A lot of lessons have been learnt...

last year.

Hard, bitter lessons.

I will try to keep my focus on the lessons I've learnt so that the next year is not as painful...or, if it is painful, I'll also remember that there is a reason for the pain. Believe me, there is a reason why we go through what we do - either happiness or sadness. Today I have realized and fully believe that the painful years were necessary to shape me into what I am today - Today, I have less hassles and therefore more comprehension of my life, less complexes and more confidence. I am more accepting and less questioning. I think more about things before blindly accepting everything I see or hear about. I am less analyzing, more believing, less critical and I try to look at what is good in everything and everyone. I have more confidence in myself. I try not to say just about anything that comes to my head and likewise not accept everything that is said to me or everything I hear. I don't dismiss things out of hand so much now, without first giving a patient look at what I am being so cavalier about...Most, most importantly, I believe I've got back myself and I'm learning how to be more independent in my thinking and also in the way I go about things.

In so many ways I feel I have changed....but I know that there is more painful chiselling and discarding to be done...as well as more incorporating of the things that are of spiritual value.

I want to wish all those who have taken time to share my fears and my thoughts a Merry Christmas. May you walk into 2017 with faith, good health, peace of mind and positivity.

It's so important...

to get out of someone else's shadow, even if the shadow is that of our parents.

It is not possible to live someone else's ideals or someone else's dreams or think or do what someone else might have done. It's just not possible. Children are different from their parents. Agreed they draw their genetic map from their parents, but after that, as they grow, their environment and their experiences add on dimensions that give them their very own distinctive personalities. And this, as parents, we have to respect.

It is the same with us adults. As we grow older, day by day, we read, learn see and experience all kinds of things. We also process all that we observe/think/feel/realize/analyze differently - differently even from what we were a day ago... Understandable then, that we become different - gradually but surely - even from those we have grown up with or live with. No matter how divergent we become from those who know us and who we claim to know, we have to accord them the same respect that we have for ourselves.

Loving is meant to absorb all these differences...because the bedrock of loving is respect...respect for the person of your child/spouse/friend...whoever... and, the very first requirement of respect is to respect the fact that the other person needs his/her own space...light...air...to grow. Shadowing a person would be, in fact, not respecting the fact that the person we are shadowing is capable of growth without us. Be there for each other....but.....everyone needs to make their own mistakes.

We must neither overshadow anyone nor be overshadowed by anyone.....no matter how close the relationship....we all need sunlight, darkness, and air to breathe and grow...

Keep fighting...

and Never Give up

I got this affirmation of how we are not to give up, no matter how harsh, or frightening or terrible the situation we are in is, from a person I admire hugely---Michael Schumacher.

Schumacher's family has started the initiative 'Keep Fighting' to help and inspire others.
'The Keep Fighting Initiative is about courage, hope and belief in your own confidence. It is about giving back positive energy that the Schumacher family has received by so many wonderful people in the whole world.'

Sabine Kehm, manager, said it hoped to “spread the belief that giving up is not an option, a message that is valid not only in motor racing."

Which means that when faced with any kind of challenge, never mind if it is hard times, or something even more catastrophic, we have to believe that we can and will overcome this misfortune or suffering. Then, we have to draw out courage from our deep inner core.

Once we step into the arena, as it were, we have to take each little part of the problem and solve it slowly and carefully. Rushing through a difficulty or a seemingly impossible situation will only compound the issue. These situations cannot be wished away or rushed through. We need a clear head and strong mind to resolve it. Which means we have to banish the fear that is bound to crop up now and again. Thus, slowly and deliberately we work through the problem. The wonderful thing is that once we step into the adverse situation, we start paying heed to our inner self and allow ourselves to be guided by that clear, calm inner voice. It's only the accepting of the problem and the actual act of stepping into it that can be a little daunting. Once we are in, we, ourselves, will be surprised at our own strength and fortitude in resolving the situation.

We may well find ourselves in a situation when we feel paralyzed to do any of these things. If that is so, we need to sit quietly and gather our mind in, because we all - each one of us - has a hidden store of courage. We also have the fight hidden inside of us. Once we tap into this, then we have to believe that of course we will overcome and we will prevail...if not now, then 2 weeks hence, or 2 months, or 2 years hence....no matter how long it takes.

If we are fortunate to have people we love and trust helping us, then we have to remember that we owe them so that when they are in similar straits, we don't leave them alone. We also need to reach out and share what we have learned from going through and conquering our adversity with those who are going through difficult times.

So, if ever we feel overwhelmed by difficult and hurtful situations, we need to remember that we are not going to give up...we have the spunk not to give in...and, we are going to keep fighting till we overcome the issue...

Getting dragged down...

by negativeness.

Really, negativeness has so much strength - a word spoken callously, a hurtful action, an unthinking way of behaving....generate a great deal of negativeness. While we tend to be very conscious of being at the receiving end of negativeness, we need to pause and ask how much negativeness we create or are responsible for.

Having said this, what we need to do is to use our energies into nurturing and supporting positiveness. It's not easy to be on a positive mode all the time - even the strongest intention of doing so gets weakened when negativeness hits us...and so we need to have a space to go to where we can sit quietly and get our equilibrium back. This is for us - for nurturing positiveness inside of us and so removing all the negative energies that are clamoring to get a place inside of us.

Sometimes we cannot do this alone. So, it is very, very important to have a support structure in place. We need to have people around us who will lift us up - not drag us down either by condemning us or giving us lectures about alternate ways of being able to stay on an even keel......not blaming us but by lifting our spirits by their presence......not pointing out our limitations and shortcomings, but by being supportive of what we are all about in spite of some one thing having not gone the way it should.

Most of all, we need to have those people around us who will give us also an opportunity to be there for them in return. We need to create a nurturing and supportive structure for our family and friends for when negativeness strikes at them. Reaching out to others will also reduce the power of the negative within us - from us outwards to others and from others inwards to us.

Of all the influences that hammer on our souls, we need to choose and nurture only the positive ones...

Have you noticed...

we humans are the only part of Nature that are always in a hurry....hurry for everything....

Plants - not even one leaf will sprout unless the time is right...It won't even poke it's little node out. It will wait till it is time for it to emerge. It's the same with the tiniest plant and the biggest tree. They will grow at their own pace. No amount of external 'help' will make them grow faster or bigger. They will grow as they should, when they should.

Likewise with animals - an animal will not rush around. It rests, and snoozes, and eats, and walks about if it has to. The only time an animal will act is when it is threatened, or it is stalking its prey. At all other times it is peaceful.

But,

Humans - oh how we rush about and worry so. We're in a flap about one thing or another a lot of the time....maybe most of the time. God has given us the power of intelligence, the ability to think and many talents. But we....we are in such a flap so much of the time that instead of enjoying these gifts and concentrating on using them for our own good and the benefit of everyone, we put ourselves into states of anxiety and disquietude, we get into contentious arguments and controversies and so foolishly spend our gifts and our time...

The best day of your life...

is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies. No excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

This is a quote by Bob Moawad.

Very often we get caught in the loop of the past (as my DD says I tend to do) - not deliberately, no, but thoughts of hurt and pain suffered many years ago, thoughts that we have not been able to banish from our consciousness, creep back before we even realize that they're creeping in, and then all of a sudden we find ourselves totally caught up in the feelings of that time - feelings that we should have totally got rid of. Once we get caught in this loop, then it needs a hard jolt to get us out of it because those painful, hurting thoughts still have the power to hold us in their grip. Just as we fought these feelings at the time they happened and concentrated on the tasks at hand, thus pushing them to a place deep, deep down away from our minds, we need to consciously fight and remove them completely from our heart and mind. Why, we may ask ourselves....why should we forget? We need to forget, simply because the people who dealt us those hurts and sorrows have long forgotten and are living their lives quite oblivious of the havoc and damage they created. Whereas we, by not pushing these things out of our system, are storing the poison which slowly seeps in at these times when we are in the loop of the past and debilitates us...even if it for a brief time before we snap out of it, we have allowed the poison to come out and destroy our peace of mind and upset the tenor of our lives.

Thus, we need to work on believing that we are not only survivors, but have fought and moved onwards and upwards without even realizing it. We need to believe this consciously so that we live in this manner...and not creep around the edges of life. We have our place under the Sun and we need to build on this....build our own life of quality. Quality does not come in from the outside. That we are of people with sterling qualities is something we need to believe so hard and so strongly that it percolates outwards from the inside. As Bob Moawad says, “Quality begins on the inside... then works its way out.”

And so: Each day is the best day of my life because this is the day on which I decide my life is my own. No apologies. No excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, blame. The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it. This is the day my life really begins.

How blinkered can we be...

because deciding to wear blinkers is a choice. Not wanting to see the reality of pain and hurt and the distress and struggles of the people around us.....Not wanting to face breakdowns.....Not recognizing those who may make us question ourselves and the way we live or go about our lives.....Not wanting to see situations or issues that might make us uncomfortable.....Not wanting to see anything that may create questions against the status quo in our minds......Not wanting to question why we are what we are or have become what we have become.....Not wanting to find out what has happened to put us in the state we are in now.....These are all choices that we make out of our fears and insecurities.

Naturally, then, if we remove our blinkers it is going to hurt deeply....we are going to cringe at what we have become......but at least we can then fix ourselves so that as we grow older, we can be more at peace with ourselves.....the deep sense of peace that can only come from within...

For in the end, it is only us.... and so we have to align ourselves (as we have become) and our true self (our North Star), into one whole being...

Shame and guilt

Shame goes to the core of a person - there is something wrong with me.

Guilt’s focus is on behavior - I am not doing what has been expected of me.

The difference:
Shame says - I am bad.

Guilt says - I've done something bad.

We can work out our guilt. Shame, however goes deep and has to be pulled out forcefully by the roots.

When we are ashamed of something we believe is wrong with us - poor complexion, overweight/underweight, bright/dull...and this thought fills our mind, then we are putting ourselves in a space of shame. We are so cringing within ourselves that we cannot see the bigger picture. Self-esteem is at zero.

According to Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy, and judgment. The only thing shame cannot possibly survive is empathy.

Which means that we have to find courage to talk about what we are feeling shame of. Instead of making excuses, or skirting the issue, we have to be honest about what we are struggling with. This starts to open us up...we begin to feel less stressed and tight inside of ourselves.

When we attack our self - my face, my talents, my abilities, my physique - we need to recognize what we are feeling and reframe the sentences that are flooding our mind and heart. So, we instead of 'I cannot even do this', we say, 'I slipped up. But that's not too bad because everyone slips up at some time or the other. This does not make me a failure.' Or, 'How can I go in front of people looking like this', say, 'My face/physique is just one part of me. There is definitely more to me than this.' In other words, we replace the negative dialogue with cheers for the positive things we do and are capable of doing.

We all do a thousand positive things a day. Yet, strangely, we don't focus on this, but put our full attention on one small part of us or one tiny thing we did differently.

In other words, we need to start practicing loving ourselves. Talk to ourselves as we would to a dear friend; treat ourselves the way we would treat someone we care for.

Further, if it is someone else who has put you in a space of shame, say loudly who has made you feel like this....say what he/she said to you or done to you, and say it out loud that you are not accepting what has been said or done to you. You do not accept that person. This is another way of not validating those negative things that someone is trying to make you believe you have in you.

So,

• Face squarely what we are feeling a sense of shame about.
• Replace the negative dialogues with positive ones.
• Enumerate and focus on all the positive things we do and we know we are capable of doing.
• Start loving our self. 
• Put the shame in the place where it belongs so that you invalidate them and defang them.

We need to NOT transform shame into a state of being. It is a feeling and as a feeling, it will pass unless we dwell on it and give it an important space inside of us.

Sharing...

a story I wrote...

You'll find it here:

http://www.ibuzzle.com/articles/a-girl-named-maya.html

I came to know Maya when I stayed at the Christapanthi Ashram in Sihora for 3 months. I visited her home in Bhatiya village and met her mother and sister. My heart went out to Maya and all the other girls I met during my stay there. (I would tag along with the Sisters as they went on their work to the neighbouring villages.)

How I wish for these girls to break or at least bend the bonds of cruel tradition that cripple them and LIVE their lives. These are beautiful girls.....hardworking, unquestioning (sadly so), and yet full of love and laughter.....till they are married off. The laughter survives in some of them, while others live out their fate as best as they can....I love them all.

Strong words...

and most definitely a wake-up call.

"If what you're doing doesn't bring you joy every single day, what's the point?"
- Michelle Obama.

And here is the purpose of life in a nutshell. To seek to do things that bring us joy. I know many of us are not in positions to be able to choose. In which case what we do would make sense only if we put our heart and soul into finding out how best we could do it....kind of make the very best out of the unfortunate circumstances or hopeless positions we may find ourselves in. Otherwise, when confronted with a choice - and life is full of choices - we need to ask ourselves if what we are choosing...what we are homing in on brings us joy every single day.

It is the same with people. Should we find ourselves in the presence of people who do not bring us joy...with whom we cannot be joyful......we need to just walk away from these people. For whatever reason, if we cannot, then we will have to devise our own ways of  shutting them out from our heads and minds - since we cannot shut them out physically - before they make the heart sink with despair.

It is the same with the environments we find ourselves in. Walk away from debilitating environments and choose to be only in enabling environments....environments in which we feel we are growing, we are flowering, which bring us peace, which help us to use our talents, which allow us to delve into our souls and find that we are capable of making our dreams come true...

Collette...

a role model if ever there was one...

As Collette Divitto pursued her passion for cooking, friends and family all agreed there was something special about the cookie.

When Collette, who was born with Down syndrome, tried finding a job and making some money, she kept running into barriers. Potential employers told her they liked her qualities, but said she “wasn’t the right fit.” So Collette decided it was time to become her own boss. She started a website, made business cards, bought ingredients, and learned how to write invoices.

“She’s never accepted her disability,” her mom said.

(And we collapse at the slightest turn in our road...or the teeniest road bump...)

Read about Collette here, please:

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2016/11/25/boston-woman-down-syndrome-cookie-business-dreams-big/

To be able to handle...

my darkest moments....the things I've done that I'm not proud of....the compromises I've made that hurt even today....my darkest truths...

As it happens, when these dark truths surface, we immediately try to shift our mind to some task that will occupy our attention and force the dark truth down.....down into the depths and secret corners of our hearts hoping they will not surface again. The sad but true thing is that they do surface and if we don't deal with them, they will come up at a time when we will be well and truly trapped....Unpleasant and horrible as these are, we have to force ourselves to look at them and look at ourselves and deal with them when they come up. There is no weakness here in admitting we are struggling with our dark truths....for it is only great mental strength that will help us face and deal with these dark truths about ourselves.....it is a truly heroic effort, for the struggle to let it come out and then deal with it, is great.

Life is hard but it is also beautiful. And we have to be able to honor both these realities.

We will never be at complete peace, we will not be able to feel at home in our own skin...in our heart and mind and body unless we realize that we are also made up of dark truths-that-were-but-are-not-there-anymore. We cannot be real people if there are only roses....there have to be thorns too....but thorns we have dealt with and made peace with.

We have to become real.


Look at what Oprah Winfrey says - and she knows what she is saying having walked a painful road herself...

Seek to be whole, not perfect.

You are not here to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more of who you really are.

You alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty shattered spaces.

Feeling indebted...

can be crippling unless we understand what it actually means and entails.

Why I am on this topic today is because I met a friend yesterday who has put herself on this horribly disabling road of feeling indebted to her sister who had helped her out a long time ago. My friend's self-confidence is undermined and she always feels as if she owes it to her sister to comply with anything the sister asks or requires of her. It's like a flip-flop. My friend is very confident when it comes to a whole lot of things, but any mention of her sister and she changes into this cringing, weak person...all because her sister had, long years ago, loaned her the money to buy a house. My friend had repaid the loan, but, has been on a repayment trip ever since. Incidentally, my friend is not dependent on this sister in any way.

I remember a time when I too felt indebted to someone who had helped me get a job, till a colleague told me to quit feeling like this because I had paid back and re-re-repaid that debt of gratitude a million times already. I wasn't a liability on either this person or the institution where I was working and that in itself should have freed me from my feeling of indebtedness. How relieved I felt when I heard that, because I had found myself, often, standing on my head trying to do the impossible tasks that were given to me. Once I internalized this, I could do only what was required of me and not all the extra work being dumped on me. Best is, to my total and complete surprise, I began to elicit a measure of respect from all concerned!!

I decided to analyze this a little.

We all need help at one time or another, and we ask our friends if they can help us. But, there is an understanding - if not stated, then definitely understood, that the help will be repaid. If monetary, the loan will be paid back; if help of any other kind, then it is taken for granted that should your benefactor in his time of need ever require help, you would stretch out your hand. But it ends there. There is an element of thankfulness in indebtedness - one is grateful for help or favor received. And one is obliged to pay that back...because an obligation is a responsibility or a commitment. But, again, and I am repeating this - It ends there. After the repayment, one's obligation ceases. If you want to help the other person after this, then that is your wish, your conscious decision to do so. But it has nothing to do with having been indebted to that person once upon a time.

If we constantly feel indebted to the person who had helped us, even after paying back the debt of gratitude, then we are actually enslaving ourselves. This is in direct contradiction to the all-important aim of life to have a free heart, a free spirit...

Beautiful words from Parker Palmer...

The heart is where we integrate what we know in our minds with what we know in our bones, the place where our knowledge can become more fully human.

Wholeness does not mean perfection, it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of your life.

Every day, exercise your heart by taking in life’s little pains and joys — that kind of exercise will make your heart supple, the way a runner makes a muscle supple, so that when it breaks, (and it surely will,) it will break not into a fragment grenade, but into a greater capacity for love.

And today, when the very definition of democracy is under scrutiny, here are some powerful words: For those of us who want to see democracy survive and thrive … the heart is where everything begins: that grounded place in each of us where we can overcome fear, rediscover that we are members of one another, and embrace the conflicts that threaten democracy as openings to new life for us and for our nation.

One critical factor...

that we need to live - really LIVE, as opposed to exist or drift - is 'purpose'. No matter what we do or plan to do, there has to be a purpose behind it....even rambling has a purpose - to ramble and not let the mind dwell on any one thing in particular. The smallest thing we have to do at work, the smallest chore at home...no matter what, we need to do it with purpose. Often we do things because we have to and not because we want to....to overcome the resentment that this is sure to breed, it is better..no wiser..to spend a couple of moments to find the purpose behind the task confronting us and find out what we are feeling resentful about doing. This requires an unflinching honesty. It's the same vis-à-vis people. There are some people we would like to meet professionally. We need to have the purpose behind meeting them, very clear in our mind. If we are meeting a friend for coffee, know why we are meeting her or him  and go on from there. Besides the fact that we will be able to handle any misunderstandings that may arise, we will be able to contribute more to the moment...get more out of the interaction...This too requires a resoluteness of spirit..a courageous honesty...because then we may decide not to meet up with certain people, or be cautious in our dealings with certain people, or maybe cancel meeting certain people altogether.

It's difficult but, believe me this is the critical factor. Once we get to the purpose of something, after peeling off all the layers of thought and reflex actions and all that is covering it, we will start feeling stronger, fresher, braver, and more with it...more in tune with ourself and the task in hand.

Try it out. From the routine tasks of daily household chores, to working out in the gym or going for a walk, to setting the table for a meal, to an outing to the mall, to going to the cinema....to everything...every task big or small....to every meeting with people.....find the purpose.....and plunge whole-heartedly into it.

Thank you...

We've just observed Thanksgiving Day, so today would be a good day to think about what we gave thanks for.

Thanksgiving Day started being observed in the United States of America nearly 400 years ago. Not much is known about the first recorded feast between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians in the New World at Plymouth in 1621, after the Pilgrims successfully harvested their first crop. It was not called Thanksgiving then, but the occasion was a symbol of a coming together in happiness and gratitude for having survived one whole year in a new land and for a good harvest. It would be good to remember, at this point, that the early European colonizers and Native Americans lived in peace for about 10 years until thousands of additional settlers arrived. The ensuing fight for land and rising animosity exploded in a war in 1675.

Abraham Lincoln officially declared Thanksgiving a national holiday by proclamation in 1863.

All Americans go back or try to go back to their homes at this time. This is sacrosanct family time. It is a time for being together and a time to thank God for blessings received. For Native Americans, this is day of somber remembrance...a day to celebrate their survival.

Whether for blessings received or for having survived through difficult times, this is a time for gratitude....To consciously be grateful does not come easily to many of us. While we say Thank you very often - in fact the words just slip off the tongue, usually unthinkingly, - for help given to us, how many times are we conscious that we are thanking a person for the helping hand stretched out to us? How many of us consciously thank God for each new day...for sunlight and flowers, for rain..............for the gazillion good and happy things that happen to us and which we just accept. Indeed, we take all the good things that happen to us as our due! But breathing a Thank you?....aah there we kind of balk. It is important, though, to be able to consciously be thankful. Maybe we need to work on this and practice it and if we haven't already started it, then now would be a good time to start. Be conscious of every teeny tiny thing that happens and breathe a thank you. For those who believe, we thank God, and for those who don't just whisper a thank you anyway....it will go where it has to.... Towards people who help us or reach out to us, let's be conscious of them as we thank them...they are people just like us with feelings...

Every bit of life we are grateful for and consciously acknowledge, will come back to us. And in every bit of bad thing that happens, we will find a small gem that we can be grateful for.

But, what happens when we don't feel like being grateful? Here are some tips that I got from this link-http://motto.time.com/4578385/how-to-feel-more-grateful/?xid=newsletter-brief:

1. Don’t make it a Big Thing - Rabbi Joel Nickerson of Temple Isaiah, in Los Angeles says, “It’s not about finding new forms of positivity in life, but rather about reorienting yourself around the things that you should already be grateful for.” And not just the big, obvious ones—good health or a job promotion—but small things, too.

2. Don’t make it a chore - There is a big difference between choosing to and having to do something. When you have to do something, the instinctive reaction is to resist, but when you choose to do something, it comes out feeling more real to you.

3. Reframe your thank-yous - Instead of just saying thank you, add something personal to it recognizing, perhaps, how difficult it must have been for the person helping you, or how much you appreciate the effort that the person must have put into it....something personal.

4. Cut others some slack - Try not to be too hard on people who show public gratitude. We don't know their motive, but instead of spoiling our minds,  let's just blank them out.

5. Give verbal high fives - Thanking someone who thanks you spreads good cheer.

6. Be concrete - This is a take on counting our blessings. When we count our blessings, we can be consciously thankful for each one of them.

7. Give back - Think of ways in which you could reciprocate or give back or pass on a kindness received.


Here are some thoughts on gratitude:

In giving thanks we give of ourselves.

Gratitude is a state of being. - Iyanla Vanzant

Gratitude shifts your perception. - Dr Robert Holden

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. - Melody Beattie

When you practice gratefulness, there is a sense of respect towards others. - The Dalai Lama

Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. - Maya Angelou

Every hour is grace.....be thankful for that hour.


To those who share my blog, Thank You...

Failure...

and caution.

These two feelings control a lot of our lives - not allowing us to pursue our dreams or achieve what we long for. Wrongfully believing these two feelings to be the same, we pass up many opportunities and chances.

We needn't. We need to understand the difference between these two forces that try to vie for first place.

Fear is an unpleasant and disturbing feeling. It causes actual changes in our physiology and psyche. Both body and mind undergo changes making us feel ill or disturbed. Sometimes, we unthinkingly allow our fears to occupy our whole body and mind. When we start feeling fear, instead of questioning it, we give in to it since it seems so big and threatening. We are afraid we don't look good, we are afraid we will lose our job if we speak up, we are afraid of being ill, we are afraid we will lose our money, we are afraid of...... a hundred thousand things. Actually, if we don't do something about our fears, then they will creep in and occupy our whole persona so that finally we exist in a permanent state of fearfulness. Paralyzed, we would have put to sleep our ability to question, reason and think.

Caution, on the other hand, is a state of being careful. We are restrained and guarded about our responses, we are careful about our handling of situations. We are vigilant of the way incidents unfold and are circumspect in our behavior carefully weighing all our options.

Fear is negative. Its very nature is to make us afraid, anxious and panic-stricken at the slightest thing. It paralyzes us.

Caution is not negative. It makes us watchful so that all our senses are primed up for a response or action. We only need to make sure that we don't get trapped in weighing all our options so many times that we lose the chances that present themselves.

Once again, I will connect this to our personal space. When something comes our way that starts the alarm bells clanging, it is best to force ourselves into our personal space and figure it out. As Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann) says, 'Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.' So if our fears are because of physical tiredness or a feeling of alone-ness, it would be best to ride them out. If they are for real, then at least we would have given ourself the time to work out something to counter the fear or at least be prepared for the worst.

On the other hand, when something new and daring and different comes our way, we need to be cautious in our approach - that is, we need to get as much information as we can before taking a step. Remember, there is no guarantee that if we tread cautiously everything will work out fine. NO. Robert Burns in 'To a Mouse' says, 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.' (The most carefully prepared plans may go wrong). But at least we would have the satisfaction of having tried!

We must just don't let fear paralyze us or too much caution prevent us from getting to where we want to go.

Relationships...

are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves. That is, the quality and depth of our relationships are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves.

It is not easy to create this space. A relationship has its own in-built demands and in our enthusiasm or need to have a particular relationship, the first thing we trade in is ourselves - we plunge headlong into a relationship that we believe is going to be good for us; or, we cultivate a relationship that we feel is going to be beneficial to us; or, we allow ourselves to be led into a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves. When we get into these relationships, we give our all, we give our best and we very willingly sacrifice our time, our money, our responsibilities, maybe even our children's claims on us. We feel that once we cement this particular relationship, it is going to afford us security...the security of a home, the security of love, financial security...

And this does not happen.

Once the initial phase of whatever it is that got us into the relationship wears off, that's it...... Sometimes it takes years for us to know that the relationship that we so ardently wished for and got, and then worked so hard to keep going, collapses...maybe not in one big catastrophic collapse but in a kind of wearing away at the foundations we thought we had made. The daily wearing away takes as much of a toll, if not more, than one big breakdown.

A relationship, however, has a chance at survival and periodic assessment and rejuvenation only and only if we keep a space around us. A space in which we grow, we discover ourselves, we strip away all the illusions that have kept us going and find the deep-hidden kernel of our own truth. It's hard to look at ourselves when we are keenly looking at and living within a relationship - no matter how good it is...and it's worse when it is an unhappy/striving-to-keep-going relationship. To be able to take a step back and look at the relationship we are in, we need to have a space to take that step in.

Cultivation of this very important space can happen at any time of our lives - we are lucky, very lucky indeed, if it happens before we enter adulthood and take on the responsibilities and challenges and difficulties that go with adulthood. But, if that didn't happen, then listen to your inner voice....it is this inner voice that will tell you it's time now.... This happened to me not very long ago. I didn't know what to do, or how to go about creating my own space because for way, way too long I had put myself down and put myself last. I had also allowed myself to get put down and put last. Further, I had allowed my illusions to cover my reality. It was only with my DD that I could at all be just me. But I knew that for my own survival I had to start work on creating my own space. Slowly, but firmly and surely I started. Getting rid of my illusions about myself was the most agonizing, but as they, and all the defenses I had created for a 'happy' life, crumbled one by painful one, I knew I had it in me to do this very important task of creating a space around me. It has not been - and still isn't - an easy path but I do believe that it is imperative to my well-being. What's more is that the definition of the illusive 'happy' has changed in my inner vocabulary. 'Happy' is now more associated with my inner condition and I strive for peacefulness - a state where there is neither inner turmoil nor strife, a state where I can process all kinds of things said and done into something I can cope with instead of bartering my inner health, a state where I can walk away from people and situations that are toxic and come back to them if need be without rancour or bitterness. The space we create around ourselves is where we retreat to, to lick our wounds, revive ourselves, refresh ourselves and for succor...

Worth remembering...

“Societies and cultures are really complicated. . . . This is not mathematics; this is biology and chemistry. These are living organisms, and it’s messy. And your job as a citizen and as a decent human being is to constantly affirm and lift up and fight for treating people with kindness and respect and understanding. And you should anticipate that at any given moment there’s going to be flare-ups of bigotry that you may have to confront, or may be inside you and you have to vanquish. And it doesn’t stop. . . . You don’t get into a fetal position about it. You don’t start worrying about apocalypse. You say, O.K., where are the places where I can push to keep it moving forward.”


Barack Obama's words to his daughters Malia and Sasha

Material wealth versus...

peace and love.

(We know all this, so this is a reminder to all of us....we often quiet the little voice inside of us....but that little voice is intrinsic to our happiness and well-being. We shut our eyes to reality hoping that if we don't see it, it will go away...fact is that the reality - often ugly - is very much around us. Thus, to do a reality check, in effect means that we check off our instant desires with the reality of life around us. Then, even if we do give in to our desires, it is with the full knowledge of life as it is.... And this will change us...make us more real humans.)

Our world is flush with all kinds of material things....and they are so attractive and affordable that we feel that we just cannot live without them. Sometimes we feel that even if something is not within our reach, we just have to have it and so we cut all kinds of monetary capers and spend our time devising all kinds of schemes so that somehow, at any cost, we get this thing that we feel we cannot live without or which we believe is critical to our happiness.

Wise men have over the years, time and time again, told us that it is better to concentrate on the heart and soul rather than spend money running after goods that after a few days or years lose their value and we, without a thought, chuck them into the waste bin.

When we die, we go without any of the things we bought....but we do carry away the energies of love and goodwill, patience and grace, elegance and refinement in words, thoughts and actions with us...

We've heard all this a zillion times but we forget and sometimes it is the picture of a distraught woman who cannot feed her child, or a child rummaging in a pile of garbage, or refugees struggling to find a haven where they can live and bring up their children in relative peacefulness that remind us of our reality. For this is our reality and not the pictures which show fast cars and gold furniture and a person displaying silks and velvets.

Creating and leading an aesthetic life matters...so does generosity of spirit. To be able to forgive those who wrong us, to be ready to walk an extra mile in another person's shoes, to keep our homes clean and pretty with natural things and not expensive articles, to yearn for and create a simple lifestyle, to ensure there is peace in our home and around us....

Red Cloud, OGLALA LAKOTA says: The Elders say that what is important is peace and love. To have material things is okay, but if not, that's okay too. To have peace and love is more important than anything material. Our children will see the value of peace and love only if adults show they are a priority. Too often we think we can offer material things and they will replace the time spent with our children. But the most important way to give our children peace and love is to spend time with them.

These words ring true because, looking beyond our own space, we, each one of us, has a responsibility to the generation that comes after us. We are responsible for the children who come into our lives. The easiest thing, as I have often seen is to bung a digital gadget into the hands of a child who, in fact, needs our attention....our cuddling, our time, and our undivided attention for a few minutes...

To...

own what you say.

I believe this is hugely important. So often we are at the receiving end of what someone says callously, without thinking of the implications of what they are saying, or indifferently, thus negating what we feel, and sometimes in a manner that puts us down. And later, how often we've had to hear statements like - I didn't mean it that way... Come on, why are you being so sensitive... Can you not take a joke? I was only pulling your leg... and many other similar statements. A response to something said insensitively, that particularly galls me is, Oops I'm sorry. One may argue that saying sorry is enough. Believe me, it isn't. We can cover this up by saying the tone matters, the manner in which it is said matters, the occasion matters etcetcetc.... But, that's not the point. None of these excuses works.

To be able to own what we say requires huge strength of character and guts, because chances are it may require us to take some kind of punishment. On a deeper level, to own what we say will require us to introspect. Nine times out of ten we see that the people who have unthinkingly shot their mouth off with something hurtful, something that they know has hit their target, bull's eye, try to hide behind arguments and reasons making matters worse. Yet, if they own what they say, it is easier to accept their apology and maybe that would lead to something better at a later stage...for the person who apologizes genuinely as well as for the hurt person.

What do we get out of 'this is what I am take it or leave it', or of being proud of oneself for always speaking their mind and to hell with the consequences, or, 'I always say what I think'...What do we get out of hurting anyone. Even a person who drives us nuts, or is rude with us, or hurtful with us has a soft spot somewhere deep in his/her psyche and our responding by saying what comes first into our mouth, or whatever comes to mind at that difficult moment doesn't help.

We are, in the end, as diminished by our hurtful, cruel words when we say them or hear them. It is only when we realize and accept the fact that we have to own what we say that we become more complete people...

Kindness...

Kindness...

is different from nicety and politeness. Kindness is revealed only in challenging times when we have to rise above happenings created by fear or anger or despair.

Carl Sagan urges: "Let us temper our criticism with kindness."

Here is a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, that spells out what kindness really is.

KINDNESS

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

It is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

There Is a Crack in Everything...

That’s How the Light Gets In

This is one of Leonard Cohen's most beloved lyric lines, from the song “Anthem” — and it remains the most meaningful message for our troubled and troubling times.

Leonard Cohen (September 21, 1934–November 10, 2016) was trained as a poet and ordained as a Buddhist monk. He wrote songs partway between philosophy and prayer — songs radiating the kind of prayerfulness which Simone Weil celebrated as “the rarest and purest form of generosity.”

Today when events in our countries, and smaller but significant experiences in our own lives, spell outrage and confrontation, what we need is a “a revelation in the heart rather than a confrontation or a call-to-arms or a defense” for healing our wounds and divides. What might our world look like if this is what we aimed for....?

Church music, synagogue music, mosque music....they all came together in Cohen. He said a good song was 'a miracle' and observed that the creative process itself was a spiritual channel to the miraculous.

It's hard to accept death, and death of a person whose life was synonymous with music is harder to accept.

Thank you, Leonard Cohen, for everything.

Why am I feeling so devastated...

the result of the US elections.

I live in faraway Calcutta....America has always been a part of my life. I grew up in a Theological Seminary, where my father was a professor of Theology. The Seminary had many American missionaries, and their way of life made a deep impression on me. I studied in Isabella Thoburn College where I imbibed the life and philosophy of Isabella Thoburn. I was awarded a scholarship to study for one year at The Florida Southern College, Lakeland, Florida. And that's all my physical connection with the country, but over the years my decisions of how I want to live have been unconsciously shaped by America. I know it is not a perfect country - which country is - but childhood impressions shape the way one thinks...Another deep link I have is my admiration for and deep acceptance of Native American wisdom. The game 'Cowboys and Indians' formed a major part of our life too, and as kids we idealized both cowboys and American Indians.

And so, the American values of home and hearth, their fierce independence of spirit, their innate honesty of being able to look at themselves, their fearless acceptance of every opportunity that came their way, their ability to work hard and against all odds, their love of adventure, their fighting up for the underdog, their incredible creativity, their breadth, height and depth of intellectual thought, their ability to reach out even if it is something as simple and basic as taking a batch of freshly-baked cookies to welcome someone who has just moved into their neighbourhood....and many other big and small characteristics. I have always loved the wit, wisdom and music of the African Americans...from Maya Angelou to Michelle and Barack Obama...from the Jazz greats to the a capella spirituals.... I do believe with my whole heart that the best of America is still the best in the world. Can you imagine then, my total horror and dismay that the person who was voted in to lead this great country was a man who exhibited and revelled in the exhibition of the basest and crudest of attitudes and standards of behavior. It is all very well to say he was gracious in his acceptance speech but the worth and character of a man can be judged only in the way he reacts and responds when he loses/fails....would a man who kept claiming that the 'system was rigged' and who baldly said he would not accept a result in which Hillary Clinton won, been gracious in his defeat? What vituperation he spewed throughout his campaign.... what was his demeanor during the debates? Of course when one sees the actual numbers, one realizes it was not a great victory at all, but then one does not see numbers, one only sees the man....and I feel as if I have lost something very precious.

It is not that people make mistakes, it is not that all countries go through cycles of good governance and bad ones, it is not about riding this through... It is something more....You know what happens when something you hold dear gets an irreparable crack in it....? It is the unbelievable and not-ready-to-accept feeling you get when you see that the country you idealize has a clay base...

That's the way I'm feeling right now.

Why America? Why did you do this to yourselves? Why did you hurt the world so?

I came across this fascinating lady...

Sande Chase, who went straight to my heart.

And I found her thanks to Vicki Archer. I've been following Vicki for many years. Her page http://vickiarcher.com/ has held great attraction for me, not only because I love to look at and study French fashion but also because she showcases people and places very charmingly.


Sande Chase is battling Glioblastoma Multiforme brain cancer.

Her thoughts and words carry infinite wisdom. I'd like to share what I culled from Vicki's website.

1. I always make time to watch the sunsets, which I have become fascinated by as a gift of nature that is shared by the whole world. I take them as a message that we need to share our world, not divide it. We have somehow mixed up citizenship with ownership of our countries and the world. This saddens me for the generations ahead.

2. I love starting my day with beauty and communication.

3. I like that I took permission to speak my mind and remove toxic or negative people from my life. It is essential to my well-being right now.

4. Ageing in a physical sense or number never concerned me for some reason. I would have liked to embrace physical activity more instead of always living in my head. I did so a few years ago with cycling, which I loved.

5. I can’t say I dislike getting older. I recently accepted that this is my old age right now, I am living it in a condensed and accelerated version and I have claimed it as gracefully as I can. I find I reminisce about all the stages of my life. It keeps me grateful at a time when I could choose to be bitter but I refuse to give into that. I have had a wonderful life supported by love and beauty and amazing people.

6. I would have asked my parents and grandparents more question about their lives. Our family has discovered a most interesting ancestry and lineage from France to New France (Canada) and I have many questions.

7. I wish I had been more supportive to people going through what I am going through now. I always did something but not enough. I was always worried about being intrusive and I missed opportunities to be more supportive. I wish I had been the first one at their door when something happened.

I read these words somewhere...

'anxiety of life' and it got me between the eyes.

The Bible repeatedly tells us not to be anxious for anything. And yet we are anxious all the time....if not for one thing, then for another.

Compounding our anxiety is our fear - fear of the unknown; fear of collapsing and not being able to get back up again; fear that we will spiral out of control; fear of change and what change may bring; fear of a zillion things - big and small.

The trouble is that anxiety and the accompanying fears pull us down...they paralyze us...they cause friction in the atmosphere and disturb the peace of the home/work place.

We HAVE to realize is that it is okay to be anxious; it is okay to be scared. BUT.....and this is a big BUT.....we also need to get out of this frame of mind for our own sakes. The only way to do this is to be present in our feelings of pain/insecurity/hurt/anger/upset.... Accept them for what they are. Lean in and acknowledge our pain. Listen to our pain. Understand where it comes from.

And gradually we will start trusting our own self. We will start taking care of our self. We will learn to let go. We will learn to make peace with the past, and enjoy the present....for this present is all we have. Though the temptation is there to reach out to someone, the reality is that noone but noone can really make things okay for us. We have to make it okay for our own self and the beauty is that we have all the tools inside of us to make things right.

Faced with the death of a loved one...

and the pain and insecurities and questions that come in its wake, what does one do? what can one do?

I reached out to Zen.

Stephen Fry refers to Dogen, the founder of the school of Zen that he was ordained in. Dogen says – again and again and again: “Focus on this life. Live this actual day. Pay attention to just this very moment. This is where it’s all happening, not in some future lifetime, not in your next birth or your ‘middle existence’ between incarnations. Just here. Just now.”

Osho says that the Zen approach to death is utterly different and immensely profound. While other religions say death is not to be worried about, not to be feared because the soul is eternal, the Zen attitude about death is the same as the Zen attitude to life - that of laughter, joy, celebration.

Zen does not seek to answer subjective questions related to God, the afterlife, reincarnation, and spiritualism. Zen cannot confirm nor deny them, therefore, it is better to remain silent and to live simply in the moment.

It's one of those days...

when what is needed is a hug, and words that reinforce, soothe...and maybe even allow me to cry a little...


"The best things in life happen to you when you’re alone.” ~ Artist Agnes Margin

"I came to see that what constitutes strength is not just muscle or will. It can also include the most desperate vulnerability, the saddest heartache, the lightest, sweetest laughter." ~ Brenda Shaughnessy

"Things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully." ~ Hanya Yanagihara

“Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free." ~ Rumi

“In every human Breast, God has implanted a principle, which we call Love of Freedom; it is impatient of Oppression, and pants for Deliverance.” ~ Poet and onetime slave Phillis Wheatley

"A person is limited only by the thoughts that he chooses." ~ James Allen

"Do not underestimate yourself. That picture you have in your head of the person you want to be, know that it is within your grasp to become it this year. It won’t happen overnight, and yes there will be moments where we will fall. But with a strong trust in the Light within us, we can pick ourselves back up knowing we will get there eventually, and that even a misstep it is still a step towards our destiny." ~ Kabbalah

“Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.” ~ Unknown

"O Great Spirit Whose voice I hear in the winds, And whose breath

gives life to all the world, hear me! I am small and weak. I need your

strength and wisdom. Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever

behold the red and purple sunset." 

~ From PRAYER TO THE GREAT SPIRIT 

Just because we...

wake up one morning and suddenly realize that it is taking longer to get out of bed and do all the myriad physical chores that need to be done during the course of the day. We see that the skin on the face and neck are sagging and there are pouches of fat where there shouldn't be any.... These are the physical aspects.

What about the mental-emotional-psychological aspects? We see that maybe we've become more fragile and short-tempered and crabby and critical and unforgiving.....

We read about how as we grow older we need to accept our bodies with all the changes. We also read about how, now that we have most of our life in the past, we ought to draw on the wisdom we have garnered to make this last phase the best one of our lives.

So many things to accept, understand, change when we reach that certain distinct age. More often than not is the physical inadequacy we feel, the emotional insecurity, the fear of financial dependence....and more...interspersed with feelings of wanting to give up and just go away and hide, to remove ourselves from the bustle of daily living and to allow insecurity to suck us into its black hole.

Yesterday I saw a small video clip of women of a certain distinct age talk about what they might have done when they were younger, had they but known and paid attention to the present they were living in.....and how finally they had come to the conclusion that it was more important TO BE than To DO and that they were going to live out the rest of their lives BEING and not try to do or feel bad about not being able to do.

There are many sites which encourage women and men of that certain distinct age to revel in their age...to look at the new stage of life with new eyes...to repair damage done in the years that are gone...to take on new challenges instead of hiding from them...to look on the new phase as an adventure...to greet each day with gratitude and happiness...

It's really strange...

how when you start studying a philosophy you are attracted by, or read a particular topic of great interest to you, or, indeed, have fallen in love with a particular author, somehow, more and more matter comes into your hands on the same topic/person. It's almost as if the Universe is colluding to bring you all that it has to offer on what you are immersed in.

I've been reading The Forty Rules of Love by Elif Şafak. It is about the Shams of Tibriz and Rumi. I am drawn deeply to Sufi mysticism, and so when I found this book in my DD's library, I was hooked. This morning I get this in my mail:

20 Powerful Quotes From Rumi’s Spiritual Teacher, Shams Tabrizi

Rumi (1207-1273) was a 13th-century Persian poet, Islamic scholar, theologian, and Sufi mystic. And Tabrizi was a Persian Sunni Muslim, who is credited with being Rumi’s spiritual instructor.

1. Instead of resisting to changes, surrender. Let life be with you, not against you. If you think 'My life will be upside down' don’t worry. How do you know down is not better than upside?

2. The universe is a complete unique entity. Everything and everyone is bound together with some invisible strings. Do not break anyone’s heart; do not look down on those weaker than you. One’s sorrow at the other side of the world can make the entire world suffer; one’s happiness can make the entire world smile.

3. A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, eastern or western…divisions only lead to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definitions. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul of fire! The universe turns differently when fire loves water.

4. Most conflicts and tensions are due to language. Don’t pay so much attention to the words. In love’s country, language doesn’t have a place. Love is mute.

5. This world is like a mountain.

    Your echo depends on you.

    If you scream good things,

    the world will give it back.

    If you scream bad things,

    the world will give it back.

    Even if someone talks badly about you,

    speak well about him.

    Change your heart to change the world.

6. There are more fake guides and teachers in the world than stars. The real guide is the one who makes you see your inner beauty, not the one who wants to be admired and followed.

7. Don’t search for heaven and hell in the future. Both are now present. Whenever we manage to love without expectations, calculations, negotiations, we are indeed in heaven. Whenever we fight, or hate, we are in hell.

8. The whole universe is summed up in the Human Being.
    Devil is not a monster waiting to trap us,
    He is a voice inside.
    Look for Your Devil in Yourself,
    not in the Others.
    Don’t forget that the one who knows his Devil,
    knows his God.

9. The real dirt is not outside,
    but inside, in our hearts.
    We can wash all stains with water.
   The only one we can’t remove is the grudge and the bad intentions sticking to our hearts.

10. The summary of the advice of all prophets is this; Find yourself a mirror.

11. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?

12. Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.

13. While the parts change, the whole always remains the same. For every thief who departs this world, a new one is born. And every decent person who passes away is replaced by a new one. In this way not only does nothing remain the same but also nothing ever really changes.

14. It is pointless trying to know where the way leads. Think only about your first step, the rest will come.

15. The past is an interpretation. The future is an illusion. The world does not move through time as if it were a straight line, proceeding from the past to the future. Instead time moves through and within us, in endless spirals. Eternity does not mean infinite time, but simply timelessness. If you want to experience eternal illumination, put the past and the future out of your mind and remain within the present moment.

16. You can study God through everything and everyone in the universe, because God is not confined in a mosque, synagogue or church. But if you are still in need of knowing where exactly His abode is, there is only one place to look for Him: in the heart of a true lover.

17. Love is a journey. All travelers whether they want or not are changed. No one can travel into love and remain the same.

18. When everyone is trying to be something, be nothing. Range with emptiness. Human beings should be like a pot. As the pot is held by its emptiness inside, a human being is held by the awareness of his nothingness.

19. To get closer to Truth and Right, we need a beautiful and soft heart. Every human learns one day or another to become softer. Some accidentally, some because of disease, some suffer from human loss, some other from material loss.... We all face these situations, but we can either see the good in it and open our hearts, or, unfortunately, see another occasion to lock it forever.

20. The past is a fog in our minds. The future? A complete dream. We can neither guess the future, nor change the past.

Dubai...

I'm amazed every time I visit Dubai. The changes.....the growth....are mindblowing. The rulers of Dubai have taken the best of all cultures and used it in their buildings and lifestyle. Really a matter of great pride for them that they have been able to make their desert bloom so beautifully......and in a way that everyone - rich and poor, Arab and expat - can enjoy...

 I do believe Dubai is a testimony to the tenacity and beauty of the human spirit.

                               

                 Some shots of the incredible Burj Khalifa...

   
 

and the stunning Dubai Fountain, the world's largest choreographed fountain system.

When we let...

anything get to us, we are allowing it to invade our personal space - the space of freedom. This is a space we need to guard and if we love ourselves, we will do this. Loving ourselves seems to be very difficult to do. If we love ourselves, we will take care of ourselves and that includes not letting anything mar us mentally, emotionally or psychologically. A small example: My DD told me I was hunching a great deal - while sitting, standing, walking. I realized after a lot of looking into myself that this was my body's way of protecting me from hurt/sadness/and any kind of upset. Obviously I was allowing things to get into my personal space. Now that I am conscious about it, I'm working towards clearing this up. It is not that we are perfect - far from it. But we need to work through our own imperfections without allowing ourselves to be made to feel guilty or bad about these imperfections.

There are times when people are nasty, say hurtful things, or try to provoke us. If we allow this to get to us then things take a wrong turn. What does this getting to us entail? We allow ourselves to feel bad, question ourselves, be harsh with ourselves, and put ourselves down. There are even times when try to counter what we are being accused of or blamed for. We go to great lengths to prove that we are not what we are being painted as. It doesn't help. The person who has sent this poisonous dart has gone his/her way and we are left trying to patch up our broken/shattered/disturbed/upset selves. Result: Feelings of inadequacy, deep despondency, insecurity....to name some of the horrible things that we experience.

It's not an easy thing to do, but when someone is nasty, and needling you, either keep a strict control on your tongue, or, if you cannot do that, then walk away...just turn on your heel and walk away. You'll find it very easy then, to tell the person, at a later, calmer point, that you don't appreciate the way he/she talked or behaved.

Not taking it personally means just this......not letting anything or anyone (other than your child) come into your personal space. That space is sacrosanct...

I had a wonderful time...

with my DD in her home. Her home evokes peacefulness, and happiness, and I soaked it all in like a starved and thirsty sapling. Cooking for her and her husband - the sweet darlings - was hugely enjoyable as they loved what I made. Walking on the Marina, sipping wine while cooking, sitting and dreaming on her balcony watching the boats go by on the bay towards the sea, snuggled in a warm, soft blanket with a book, in her drawing room, pottering around her plants, having an evening drink as a family, sitting with her and checking out all the things she's bought.....and on...and on.... Every moment was special.

There are a lot of things that I realized during this past week with my DD.

The first is: Freedom makes sense only if there is respect. Respect for yourself and respect for others. When we say that we believe in the maxim 'Live and Let Live' we are actually talking about freedom - freedom to live as we envision living to be and according the same freedom to others to live as they visualize their lives to be.

We all know how difficult the freedom to be ourselves is, because we live in a social structure, be it in our home, our work place, where we shop, or in what we do for recreation. And yet our deepest craving is for freedom...this is what we relentlessly and tirelessly strive for... Just to be free...to feel free...to live free...

This freedom is never going to happen unless we respect ourselves. Through all the compromises that we make or choose to make or are forced to make, one thing that is for sure is that we have to work hard to not put ourselves in a situation that will require us to forfeit our freedom...we cannot compromise on the respect we ought to have for ourselves...we cannot shortchange ourselves and then soothe ourselves by saying that we did it for others. Naturally, this means that we have to become aware of who we are, we need to force our mind to think clearly and sensibly, and ww do not shy away from making some hard decisions if we have to.

Freedom is actually the space we give ourselves....the space we build around ourselves. And how can we do this if we do not honestly take a hard look at ourselves...unless we get to know and understand who we really are, what we really like and dislike and most of all, how far we are willing to be pushed.

Once we start on the road to making ourselves free, I do believe that a lot of things will fall into place.....a lot of issues about ourselves will become clearer.....and life will become infinitely more interesting. The first step is always the hardest, isn't it....?

And when we get to that critical place called freedom, we'll see that we are perfectly willing to allow others to have their own freedom without any kind of judgmentalism...

I'm so happy...

am on my way to my daughter's home for almost 10 days. I will try and blog from there but if I don't know that I'm in heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much has happened these last few days and these incidents have given me so many insights, I need to process them all....and then will share.....

Dancing with happiness..................................

Random thoughts...

invade my mind as I find myself taking stock of myself one year since I joined the gym. I joined the gym primarily on my DD's insistence. I was at a very deep low point of my life.

And so I started going to the gym as part of my journey to get back my self....to allow my mind to heal....to let my heart start feeling the right things again....to force my mind into thinking the right way.

Gradually I realized how much the discipline of going to the gym helped. It was not only the routine work-out that my instructor planned out for me, it was the whole experience - waking up in the morning and getting to the gym on time, being with strangers - working out in front of them, listening to them without understanding what they were saying...just letting the words, and nuances of tone wash over me. (I don't speak Bengali, the local language. I speak Hindi and English besides my mother tongue. Very few people in the gym speak Hindi, and English and my mother tongue not at all). This was a new experience.

Though we search for, read about and try to understand the wisest way to go about our life, it is often difficult to remember them...and wisdom often flies out when there is a critical situation on hand. Critical can be anything - it can be not being able to cope with anything that is harsh or hurtful - even the tiniest bit so. Critical can be something very big. Critical can be anything that affects just us in a bad way, critical can be something that draws in other people into our circle. The discipline of doing a routine regularly and relentlessly brings about a steadiness. You don't easily get rattled. I work on what I have to do, even though it gets tedious sometimes, very regularly and steadfastly. I'm, therefore, able to remove my mind from the tedious task. The good thing is that now I don't feel unhappy about the whole daily tasks routine. I don't feel I'm unfairly saddled with a whole barrage of humdrum things when my mind actually wants to soar. I can still allow my mind to roam around where I want it to go. I'm able to not let the routine get the better of me. It doesn't happen as blissfully all the time, but it does happen often enough for me to know that I have to work on it. Just like we have to juggle our work routine in case the work station that we are supposed to be on is not free, it is now easier for me to juggle my work at home without getting distressed.

I was initially a little skeptical about doing yoga. I didn't want to get into the mumbo-jumbo of it. My instructor said I needed to do the exercises as it would help me make myself more supple and take away a lot of the stiffness of my joints. Now I feel that it has made me a more peaceful person as well. If you cannot still your mind, you end up flailing your arms and legs - as has happened with me so many times. Peacefulness is not just a stillness of mind, though that is imperative to begin with. Peacefulness has to be a stillness with no disturbances hovering on the edges. It has to be a steady, pervasive kind of peacefulness. I'm beginning to feel this now and can make out the difference from how I used to feel.

The fact that sometimes the exercises go off smoothly and sometimes do not....and yet we go back to the gym the next time around, has helped me a lot. I used to think that everything has to be just so and if it wasn't then there was something wrong with me. Gymming has taught me that even though things don't go off as they should on certain days, the fact that they do go off well on other days, points to the fact that I'm not a failure...nothing's wrong with me.

Often, when a yoga asana is just not happening, after a while my instructor tells me to leave it off for the day. How often we have read about letting go.....and still we hang on trying and trying and trying through blood, sweat and tears only to be met with the same negative result. I've now learnt that sometimes my body just will not obey my mind. If I leave that particular exercise off and do something else, often, I can go back to what I'd left. If my body persists in its stiffness, then I leave it and do something else and feel none the worse for it....Sometimes, just sitting still helps me.

Another thing I've learnt is not to get desperate when one chore is taking longer than usual...not to hurry through things. The fact is that when exercising, there are no short cuts. One can cut short the time required to be spent on that exercise or at that work station but that doesn't really help in the long run. There is also a nagging feeling at the back of the mind that one cheated on oneself. My chores used to feel too much too handle and never-ending, now I finish one completely before moving to another, instead of doing a bit here and a bit there and then going back and doing some more before finally finishing. I've learnt that if I keep on at it, I'm able to finish it with fewer retakes and mistakes. So now I finish one task completely before moving to the next one. The bonus here is that I'm taking less time, instead of more...

A big thing I've learnt is to laugh....laugh at myself when I struggle, sometimes quite comically, at a work station. We all also laugh together - one doesn't need a language to laugh! - at someone's acrobatics. Native American wisdom says "Laughter - that is something very sacred..." (John (Fire) Lame Deer, ROSEBUD LAKOTA). Laughter is mental, laughter is emotional, laughter is physical, and laughter is spiritual. Laughter helps us find balance. If we get too angry, laughter will turn that emotion in a balanced direction. If we have a mental picture of someone who is too strong, laughter will help ease the tension. If the body is stressed, laughter will release natural relaxants into our muscles and our nervous system. Laughter often changes our attitude. We need to lighten up and laugh more.

I see those who are really very fit - I'm not even halfway there - but the truths I've learnt are priceless. Peace of mind requires the body to be in good condition, first, then it requires us to work, and work hard, towards achieving an all-pervasive quietness....One cannot be free from anxiety or worry, but one can learn that there are other things to think about as well. There are some things that we just cannot do. No point in thinking about it and fretting about it. No point in running from pillar to post. No point in hassling ourselves over it. It's not going to happen. What can happen is to free ourselves from its clutches and look at what we are, what we have, with peace of mind....with no disturbing or upsetting waves beating around the edges.


It's not easy. I'm just beginning to internalize some basics... I recognize the hard work involved and I mean to work at it...including laughter....need to laugh more....much, much more...

It's so hard...

to take criticism, especially when it is unfairly directed towards you.

Of course, we must work towards making criticism work for us. This means that when someone criticizes us, we step back, swallow the feelings that surge through us, clear the mind and take a long hard look at what is being levelled at us. If there is something that can be learnt, then we accept it, but if it is only something vicious, then we must just walk away from it. No comments either on the side or direct, no reactions....just walk away from the criticism as intact as possible. With time this gets better, believe me. Sometimes, we will flare up - we are but human, but this is something to work towards because walking away will not stop the flow of our life...

But, what if we cannot do this?


The Tiny Buddha gives us 6 tips to remember and work on:

1. It is not the criticism or judgment that is the problem. It is the believing of it that is the problem.

Do we believe the criticism or judgment? If we believe it, then we are in deep trouble. If it niggles at the back of our mind, we have a serious issue because we have to go on living - we can't stop till we resolve this one issue. If we don't outright walk away from it, we may have a further complication.

2.  When someone shows us how we’re out of alignment with ourselves, we have an opportunity to change our beliefs.

Do I continue to hang on to a personal belief that someone has criticized? Maybe there is something inherently erroneous in it. Am I afraid of something that is deep within me? We need to give it a second or even third look. This would also be a good chance to see if we are insecure about ourselves because the criticism/judgment about this belief has shaken us badly. Insecurities are hard to remove, but for a peaceful life these have to go.

3. It really does not matter how other people see us; what matters is how we see ourselves.

Do we have a tendency to look at ourselves through the eyes of other people? How can we know if what the other person is seeing is right? Another thought that often pops up is - What must he/she be thinking about me? If I do this or think this way, how will other people react? How would he/she want me to react/behave in this situation. Thoughts like these totally negate us. Instead of looking at ourselves through our own eyes, we are cutting all kinds of mental and emotional capers trying to look at ourselves through the eyes of someone else...and that someone else could also be a person very close to us. We are clearly forgetting that we each one of us has our very own, unique, special personality.

4.  Look for the truth in the criticism and let the rest go.

If there is truth in the criticism or judgment, accept it. Now comes the important part - what are we going to do about this after accepting it? We can work on it or we can abuse ourselves and go down the I-know-I-am-a-rotten person road. We are not islands. Our paths cross those we know and those we don't know....those we care for and those we don't want to associate with; some crossings happen close to us, and some happen far away....but at some point or another, one of these roads is sure to cross ours and we will hear criticism of ourselves. What we have to concentrate on is to look for the truth, accept it without rancor, correct ourselves without self-denigration, and move on.

5. Find gratitude in every situation.

Gratitude heals, and if we look closely, there is always something to be grateful for in every situation. We can even be grateful to the person who has criticized us and passed judgment on us, because we can change that aspect of ourselves, we can understand where we are coming from and do something about what we never realized was hurtful or harmful.

6.  Always try your hardest to forgive - yourself first, and then the people who have hurt you with their criticisms and judgments.

It is very hard to believe that we are not perfect...that our every action and every word is correct and right and just so. Therefore, when someone shows us that we are not perfect, the jolt can be quite hard to bear. The good thing is that if we take this in the right way - as a way of removing the objectionable parts of us - we will be the better for it. When we are complacent about ourselves thinking and believing that we are always right, being criticized comes as a rude shock. Looking at it objectively and in the spirit of wanting to be a better person, we realize that our complacency was actually a prison keeping us inside and locking us away from real life. Once those walls are knocked down and we learn to forgive ourselves, we can then forgive the person who set us on this path, maybe quite harshly, and indeed forge out a better relationship with him/her and others.


As a wise man said - It is not what happens to us that is important. It is how we relate to what happens to us that is important...

“Nice” isn’t...

a compliment.

While growing up, we are often told to 'Be Nice'. So, no matter how we feel, or how we react to a certain person, we have to 'Be Nice'. Okay, so when we are very young we have our parents or older people in the family to shield us from hurt. But as we grow older and along the way meet people and find ourselves in situations that we instinctively react to negatively, then sometimes an ugly conflict can happen. There is this 'Be Nice' behaviour, ingrained into us from as way back as we can remember, which kicks in, and there is this need to just turn our back or walk away or have nothing to do with someone who we - in our present state of growth - don't want to have anything to do with. When I say present state of growth, I mean our thinking, and the beliefs that we have built up along the way...there are things that we agree with and things we don't. There are people we would like to befriend, but we may want to break off that friendship when we see it is not going the way we would like it to go - we find ourselves compromising on what we think and believe for the sake of this friendship....and as the days go on, we find ourselves compromising on a whole lot of issues. These start with the big life issues, but soon filter down to the teeny issues that are still necessary for our well-being. And so we get rattled and our well-being is pushed to the back as we go about pleasing everyone for, being nice means just that - pleasing everyone and pushing our own selves to the back.

My meditation in 'Tiny Buddha' says: Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.

I'll go one step further. Often we are 'Nice' in order to avoid criticism....just cannot bear to be criticized for the way we talk, or think, or dress, or behave. And so we cut somersaults in our hearts and minds and bodies in order to be what others want so that we can be labelled 'Nice'. Fact is that it is only through criticism that we can refine ourselves - our thinking - and grow in a manner that resonates with us...that IS what deep down we are.

Native American wisdom says: "No one likes to be criticized, but criticism can be something like the desert wind that, in whipping the tender stalks, forces them to strike their roots down deeper for security."    
-- Polingaysi Qoyawayma, HOPI

Since we become what we think about, if we think only about 'being nice' at every point, then we become someone with no special, distinct, characteristic features and our lives will also become indistinct, characterless and featureless. Worse, we become nothing other than what others want to see us as...our own individuality gets eroded and lost in this whole thing of wanting to 'Be Nice' at all times to all people. Mark, I'm not saying we should be impolite. No, Never. But nice means accommodation of everyone and everything with no boundaries....and getting our own self lost in the process.

Life is all about growth. Change and growth. Being nice is all about someone else taking precedence over us while we shape ourselves to their change and growth. This can only breed resentment in the end.

Just let go of the need to please....to 'Be Nice'. Be polite, be kind, but there is no need to just 'Be Nice'.        

If people cannot accept you as you are (not advocating rudeness here) then it is better to alone...till you find someone who really respects your own individuality and your own personality. Walk away from those who don't...