are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves. That is, the quality and depth of our relationships are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves.
It is not easy to create this space. A relationship has its own in-built demands and in our enthusiasm or need to have a particular relationship, the first thing we trade in is ourselves - we plunge headlong into a relationship that we believe is going to be good for us; or, we cultivate a relationship that we feel is going to be beneficial to us; or, we allow ourselves to be led into a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves. When we get into these relationships, we give our all, we give our best and we very willingly sacrifice our time, our money, our responsibilities, maybe even our children's claims on us. We feel that once we cement this particular relationship, it is going to afford us security...the security of a home, the security of love, financial security...
And this does not happen.
Once the initial phase of whatever it is that got us into the relationship wears off, that's it...... Sometimes it takes years for us to know that the relationship that we so ardently wished for and got, and then worked so hard to keep going, collapses...maybe not in one big catastrophic collapse but in a kind of wearing away at the foundations we thought we had made. The daily wearing away takes as much of a toll, if not more, than one big breakdown.
A relationship, however, has a chance at survival and periodic assessment and rejuvenation only and only if we keep a space around us. A space in which we grow, we discover ourselves, we strip away all the illusions that have kept us going and find the deep-hidden kernel of our own truth. It's hard to look at ourselves when we are keenly looking at and living within a relationship - no matter how good it is...and it's worse when it is an unhappy/striving-to-keep-going relationship. To be able to take a step back and look at the relationship we are in, we need to have a space to take that step in.
Cultivation of this very important space can happen at any time of our lives - we are lucky, very lucky indeed, if it happens before we enter adulthood and take on the responsibilities and challenges and difficulties that go with adulthood. But, if that didn't happen, then listen to your inner voice....it is this inner voice that will tell you it's time now.... This happened to me not very long ago. I didn't know what to do, or how to go about creating my own space because for way, way too long I had put myself down and put myself last. I had also allowed myself to get put down and put last. Further, I had allowed my illusions to cover my reality. It was only with my DD that I could at all be just me. But I knew that for my own survival I had to start work on creating my own space. Slowly, but firmly and surely I started. Getting rid of my illusions about myself was the most agonizing, but as they, and all the defenses I had created for a 'happy' life, crumbled one by painful one, I knew I had it in me to do this very important task of creating a space around me. It has not been - and still isn't - an easy path but I do believe that it is imperative to my well-being. What's more is that the definition of the illusive 'happy' has changed in my inner vocabulary. 'Happy' is now more associated with my inner condition and I strive for peacefulness - a state where there is neither inner turmoil nor strife, a state where I can process all kinds of things said and done into something I can cope with instead of bartering my inner health, a state where I can walk away from people and situations that are toxic and come back to them if need be without rancour or bitterness. The space we create around ourselves is where we retreat to, to lick our wounds, revive ourselves, refresh ourselves and for succor...