It's so hard...

to take criticism, especially when it is unfairly directed towards you.

Of course, we must work towards making criticism work for us. This means that when someone criticizes us, we step back, swallow the feelings that surge through us, clear the mind and take a long hard look at what is being levelled at us. If there is something that can be learnt, then we accept it, but if it is only something vicious, then we must just walk away from it. No comments either on the side or direct, no reactions....just walk away from the criticism as intact as possible. With time this gets better, believe me. Sometimes, we will flare up - we are but human, but this is something to work towards because walking away will not stop the flow of our life...

But, what if we cannot do this?


The Tiny Buddha gives us 6 tips to remember and work on:

1. It is not the criticism or judgment that is the problem. It is the believing of it that is the problem.

Do we believe the criticism or judgment? If we believe it, then we are in deep trouble. If it niggles at the back of our mind, we have a serious issue because we have to go on living - we can't stop till we resolve this one issue. If we don't outright walk away from it, we may have a further complication.

2.  When someone shows us how we’re out of alignment with ourselves, we have an opportunity to change our beliefs.

Do I continue to hang on to a personal belief that someone has criticized? Maybe there is something inherently erroneous in it. Am I afraid of something that is deep within me? We need to give it a second or even third look. This would also be a good chance to see if we are insecure about ourselves because the criticism/judgment about this belief has shaken us badly. Insecurities are hard to remove, but for a peaceful life these have to go.

3. It really does not matter how other people see us; what matters is how we see ourselves.

Do we have a tendency to look at ourselves through the eyes of other people? How can we know if what the other person is seeing is right? Another thought that often pops up is - What must he/she be thinking about me? If I do this or think this way, how will other people react? How would he/she want me to react/behave in this situation. Thoughts like these totally negate us. Instead of looking at ourselves through our own eyes, we are cutting all kinds of mental and emotional capers trying to look at ourselves through the eyes of someone else...and that someone else could also be a person very close to us. We are clearly forgetting that we each one of us has our very own, unique, special personality.

4.  Look for the truth in the criticism and let the rest go.

If there is truth in the criticism or judgment, accept it. Now comes the important part - what are we going to do about this after accepting it? We can work on it or we can abuse ourselves and go down the I-know-I-am-a-rotten person road. We are not islands. Our paths cross those we know and those we don't know....those we care for and those we don't want to associate with; some crossings happen close to us, and some happen far away....but at some point or another, one of these roads is sure to cross ours and we will hear criticism of ourselves. What we have to concentrate on is to look for the truth, accept it without rancor, correct ourselves without self-denigration, and move on.

5. Find gratitude in every situation.

Gratitude heals, and if we look closely, there is always something to be grateful for in every situation. We can even be grateful to the person who has criticized us and passed judgment on us, because we can change that aspect of ourselves, we can understand where we are coming from and do something about what we never realized was hurtful or harmful.

6.  Always try your hardest to forgive - yourself first, and then the people who have hurt you with their criticisms and judgments.

It is very hard to believe that we are not perfect...that our every action and every word is correct and right and just so. Therefore, when someone shows us that we are not perfect, the jolt can be quite hard to bear. The good thing is that if we take this in the right way - as a way of removing the objectionable parts of us - we will be the better for it. When we are complacent about ourselves thinking and believing that we are always right, being criticized comes as a rude shock. Looking at it objectively and in the spirit of wanting to be a better person, we realize that our complacency was actually a prison keeping us inside and locking us away from real life. Once those walls are knocked down and we learn to forgive ourselves, we can then forgive the person who set us on this path, maybe quite harshly, and indeed forge out a better relationship with him/her and others.


As a wise man said - It is not what happens to us that is important. It is how we relate to what happens to us that is important...

“Nice” isn’t...

a compliment.

While growing up, we are often told to 'Be Nice'. So, no matter how we feel, or how we react to a certain person, we have to 'Be Nice'. Okay, so when we are very young we have our parents or older people in the family to shield us from hurt. But as we grow older and along the way meet people and find ourselves in situations that we instinctively react to negatively, then sometimes an ugly conflict can happen. There is this 'Be Nice' behaviour, ingrained into us from as way back as we can remember, which kicks in, and there is this need to just turn our back or walk away or have nothing to do with someone who we - in our present state of growth - don't want to have anything to do with. When I say present state of growth, I mean our thinking, and the beliefs that we have built up along the way...there are things that we agree with and things we don't. There are people we would like to befriend, but we may want to break off that friendship when we see it is not going the way we would like it to go - we find ourselves compromising on what we think and believe for the sake of this friendship....and as the days go on, we find ourselves compromising on a whole lot of issues. These start with the big life issues, but soon filter down to the teeny issues that are still necessary for our well-being. And so we get rattled and our well-being is pushed to the back as we go about pleasing everyone for, being nice means just that - pleasing everyone and pushing our own selves to the back.

My meditation in 'Tiny Buddha' says: Nice is sweet and accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what we believe in. It does not indicate where our boundaries are.

I'll go one step further. Often we are 'Nice' in order to avoid criticism....just cannot bear to be criticized for the way we talk, or think, or dress, or behave. And so we cut somersaults in our hearts and minds and bodies in order to be what others want so that we can be labelled 'Nice'. Fact is that it is only through criticism that we can refine ourselves - our thinking - and grow in a manner that resonates with us...that IS what deep down we are.

Native American wisdom says: "No one likes to be criticized, but criticism can be something like the desert wind that, in whipping the tender stalks, forces them to strike their roots down deeper for security."    
-- Polingaysi Qoyawayma, HOPI

Since we become what we think about, if we think only about 'being nice' at every point, then we become someone with no special, distinct, characteristic features and our lives will also become indistinct, characterless and featureless. Worse, we become nothing other than what others want to see us as...our own individuality gets eroded and lost in this whole thing of wanting to 'Be Nice' at all times to all people. Mark, I'm not saying we should be impolite. No, Never. But nice means accommodation of everyone and everything with no boundaries....and getting our own self lost in the process.

Life is all about growth. Change and growth. Being nice is all about someone else taking precedence over us while we shape ourselves to their change and growth. This can only breed resentment in the end.

Just let go of the need to please....to 'Be Nice'. Be polite, be kind, but there is no need to just 'Be Nice'.        

If people cannot accept you as you are (not advocating rudeness here) then it is better to alone...till you find someone who really respects your own individuality and your own personality. Walk away from those who don't...

My Magic Circle...

I came across this concept during one of my meditations. It appealed to me greatly because there are times when I just want to close my eyes and ears to all that is happening around me - especially conflicting things - conflicting with my deep feelings and thoughts and beliefs. I am not one of those persons whose mind can move swiftly from one thing to another. I often get stuck on one thing till it is sorted out one way or another in my head. I am also not a person who can deal with too many things pinging on me at the same time. And when they do, I need to distance myself and put my thoughts in order, so that I can tackle them one at a time. I hate rushing about from one thing to another. Sadly, I am also a person who tends to blank out when there are too many words flying all around me.

I've been looking for help in being able to cope with this without coming across as aloof (though in my heart I am a loner) or selfish or rude. This meditation seemed to me the perfect solution: (I have paraphrased it a little to suit me, keeping the basic structure intact - I'm sure you would like to do the same).


Close your eyes and draw a magic circle on the ground (I live in an apartment so when I draw my circle, I have to picture the circle as being on the earth - through the floor and directly on the earth beneath). Inside the circle are clear air, sunlight filtering through the leaves of tall trees, cool, grass with wild flowers, birds, a stream with stones, birds. Nothing bad can enter the circle---not one bad memory, not one hurtful word from the past, not one painful or distressing/devastating action that has happened, not one fear for the future, not one agonizing insecurity, not one regret, not one harmful thought, not one perceived personal shortcoming (note the word perceived). Now step into the circle and picture yourself doing so. As if you are moving out from your present world into this beautiful, peaceful world. And so you lift one leg first and put your foot inside the circle and then the other. Once you've come inside, find a place that you want to be in and then JUST BE. Root yourself here. There is only you and this serene place you are in......no one and nothing else. Let the peace slowly filter into every part of your being. The peace comes up from the earth - the eternal mother. Feel the peace coming in from the soles of your feet into you. Absorb it. Feel the trees and the plants, the water and the stones all sending their love and energies into you. Let this peace soak all the way into the very marrow of your bones....into every cell of your brain and heart....let it wash your mind and heart clean. Just soak it all in...immerse yourself in the peace....at this time nothing else matters. You are one with the earth.

And then you can get back to the world, knowing you have your own secret place, your own magic circle to restore you...

Something I learnt...

quite forcefully...

In the daily rush of life and living, we tend to forget that we are not playing stellar roles in the drama of someone else's life, even though they may be family or dear friends. Each of us is the main character only in the drama of our own life.

In a family, all the close and immediate members of a family are the main characters in their own family drama. No one can share this space, not even the close extended family. For instance a brother before he is married is a main character in the family drama of his parents and siblings, but once he is married, then his own family becomes his main family, and his siblings and their families become part of the close extended family group. In which case the siblings play only a supportive role, if asked.

Now there was an issue in my family - my nephew (brother's son) is getting married according to traditional and conventional rites. Since our parents have both passed on, as the older of the two,  I felt it was my responsibility to get involved and do what was required. However, my brother and his wife have not included me in the preparations. While I was getting all agitated about this, my friend - a real friend - put me right. She asked me if I had been taken into confidence regarding the wedding, by my brother. When I said no, she gave it to me straight from the hips - asked me not to give so much credit to myself and my opinions. She said that I was important only in my own family unit, and not to think of myself as having any influence in my brother's family. I came crashing down to earth. She was right. This was the bald truth. I realized how wrong I had been.....spending countless hours getting stressed and worked up about an issue that, in actual fact, didn't concern me at all......


Two lessons I've learnt and am the better for having learnt them:

1. Only share your opinions, your feelings and the stands you may have taken, if asked. Never otherwise.
2. Make a conscious effort not to interfere or pass judgment on any one's life or the way they lead their life.

15 tips...

for living from Paulo Coelho's 'The Alchemist'


1. The universe conspires to help you
"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

2. What goes around, comes around
"When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

3. It's all about how far you can go
"Life has a way of testing a person's will, either by having nothing happen at all, or by having everything happen at once." 

4. You time starts now
"One day, you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted to do. Do it now."

5. Experience is important
"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience."

6. Never lie to yourself
"If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule - Never lie to yourself!" 

7. Self-discovery is the biggest discovery
"The act of discovering who we are, will force us to accept that we can go further than we think."

8. You have to get up after a fall
"The secret of life is to fall seven times and to get up eight times."

9. Don't explain. Noone listen's anyway
"Don't waste your time with explanations. People only hear what they want to hear."

10. Face your fears and overcome them
"Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart."

11. Your fate is in your hands
"At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie." 

12. There's no fear except the fear of failure
"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

13. A mistake can become a decision
"When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision."

14. Believe in yourself
"People are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of." 

15. I have a dream
"It's the possibility of having a dream come true, that makes life interesting."



(I got this from my meditation from The Speaking Tree)

The word...

OKAY

We use this word, (or its equivalent - right or all right, fine, cool, good), so often but have we realized the power of this word has?

Okay is actually a wonderful word. It has a great deal of meaning built into it. It works as a saving grace in times when you want to say something but can't find the right thing to say. It carries in it a wealth of wisdom, because once you say okay, the word creates a space around you and you can then decide whether you want to carry on talking or just be quiet. Once we realize that our response really doesn't matter to a person who is complaining or cribbing to us, the word 'okay' fills in the blank spaces. When we realize that our opinions are really not wanted or appreciated, even though the person asking for it gives us the feeling that what we say is valued, all we have to do is use 'okay' and bingo....we can walk away intact without getting into any kind of a controversy with the person in question.

The hardest thing to do is to be quiet. To listen quietly without offering any kind of response. There is really no point in either arguing a point or trying to convince anyone. Think about it. The person whom you really trust, who you believe is true to your friendship, who really cares what is happening to you, will never try to impose their thoughts and opinions on you when you download your worries/insecurities/problems/fears on them. They will listen and help you find your own solution. They are just there as a support whether things go right or wrong. Lesson here is that we hear a person through quietly and with full concentration and then, after a pause, when we use the word 'okay', it works beautifully and both people can walk away without either being hurt or feeling dissatisfied. The feeling that has gone out is that you've heard and you're around if and when you are wanted.

I have decided to use this word 'okay' more often now. Enough of being made the scapegoat, enough of my views and ideas being trashed, enough of being trampled on.

On the other side, 'okay' helps deal with discontent and dissatisfaction. We are taught to be grateful for the good things that happen to us, but we forget to be also grateful for the bad things that happen, because dealing with these bad things is what gives us insights and helps us to grow. We know, with our heads, that whatever happens to us happens because it was meant to happen....it happens for a reason. The trouble is internalizing this. We have to make it a part of our thinking and daily living. Here's where the 'okay' helps a lot. Good things happen - okay. Bad things happen - also okay. Difficult things happen - okay. Happy things happen - also okay. Painful things happen - okay. Life, for a bit there, is peaceful - also okay. 'Okay' gives us the leeway to deal with everything and be grateful......You are not asking for anything, you are not offering any answers or solutions, you are just accepting everything that lands on your plate with this most powerful of words - okay...

Okay helps you to step back, allows you to put some space between you and whatever it is that is the issue at the moment, gives you time to formulate an answer or work out a plan....

Thus, talk less. Say only what you mean even if it may not be what the person you are talking to wants to hear. Be quiet - at least then you will not exacerbate a situation. Silently take whatever unfair thing has been handed to you without either trying to prove a point or justify yourself or. Never get into explanation mode.....that is the worst.

Just say.....okay...... 'Okay' helps you move on....helps you to actually flow...

Something...

I realized today at the gym and want to share with you.

In earlier blogs 'Three things to share - 7 good effects of going to the gym', and 'Gymming', I'd talked about the benefits of going to a gym, but there is one huge benefit that I left out, as I realized today:

Mental stability. This is a big, big thing that gymming does.

This morning when I went to the gym, my mind was in a topsy-turvy state. I was missing my DD; I had a whole lot of pending work at home; household chores seemed endless......my mind had constructed this impossible list of to-do's and must-do's and have-to-do's and just thinking about all this was making me ill. I was in a terrible state of tension.

The gym also was rather full, because tomorrow being a holiday, many of us had been rescheduled for today.

Just as I put on my shoes, the treadmill became free and my instructor told me to work on that. I could barely put one foot in front of the other, but there was no choice.....the belt moved and my feet moved along with it....after about 10 minutes, I felt my muscles loosening up and wonder of wonders, I felt my mind becoming blank...not a negative blankness or a tired blankness, but a positive, stable, calm blankness. There was no way I could check my phone because phones are frowned on, talking is not encouraged, and I could not stop to brood because we all follow the routine the instructor sets us....so it was just one work station after another till my personal workout sched started to move seamlessly....I was totally at peace with myself...my mind was completely stable.

So what had happened? I had distanced myself from the work I had waiting for me at home. Distanced myself enough to see that I need not do everything, in fact, I could just not do any of the things that were staring at me...I could just curl up with a book and then tackle whatever I could...or do only whatever was necessary......or restructure and prioritize my chores...... Since my mind was stable, I'd be able to do whatever I wanted to in a not-rushed, frantic-to-finish state of mind and the day would move forward peacefully.

This was an important lesson. Somehow - for me it was the gym, but for you it could be a walk...it has to be a physical activity, preferably done alone and something we cannot take a short-cut on - we have to put a distance between us and the chores that are hounding us in our mind and destroying the peace of it...destroying the stability of our mind. Any kind of imbalance in the mind has a cascade effect and soon the heart feels heavy, the body feels paralyzed and we are stuck in a vicious cycle.

By extension, we could also distance ourselves from destructive thoughts, people who hurt us, situations that cause tension and unhappiness...

And this goes back to Wu Wei, where we've been learning to go with the flow. Distancing ourselves makes our mind stable, brings the focus back and we are free to merge into the flow of life.

I got distracted from Wu Wei for a bit there...

but am back...because this is a lesson I am struggling to make a part of me...

Lao-Tzu says: “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

This is the most difficult thing to do......to just keep quiet, keep my thoughts and opinions and ideas to myself, and WAIT for the turbulent waves and rush in my heart and mind to settle down. I need to focus only on the task at hand...keep myself centered only on what I am doing at the moment.

We plan our days up to the minute, hoping we'll have time for reading, resting, me-time, or to do the one thing that has been waiting to get done, and which we keep putting off waiting for a conducive time. It could be that we are just plain tired of everything, that we are feeling totally jaded about everything....All we want to do is to curl up with a book. But there are chores to be done, food to be put on the table, clothes to be washed...etc..etc....etc... There is also the soul crying out for a bit of quiet...for some rest...for a snooze...to just sit still...

The day just seems to be taking off on its own momentum.

So what then?

Here are some practical steps for learning how to go with the flow...

1. Realize that you can’t control everything - Realize and accept that there are many things that are beyond our control and they are going to happen anyway.

2. Become aware - Observe your mind - what are the thoughts that are popping up...what are the feelings that are surging. Once you are aware of these, you can then begin to push them out or do something to let them just go. (What you do...what you have figured out for yourself as something to do to let disturbing/disruptive thoughts go is uniquely what works for you.)

3. Breathe - This is extremely important. Breathe deeply and observe your breath coming into your body and leaving your body. And, with each breath, let go of the poison and upset........and take in Nature.....breathe in Nature.

4. Check to see if your perspective is right - Take a step back. Put a little distance between yourself and what is happening to throw you off balance. Tell yourself, a few hours...days...weeks...a year from now this is not going to be important. No one will remember and no one will care so then, why should you break your head and heart over this.

5. Laugh - Laugh at the mistake you've made, laugh at the absurdity of the situation, laugh at what is happening............laugh even if you don't feel like laughing. This helps detach you from the unhappy/unpleasant situation you find yourself in.

6. Meditate - This is an absolute must. Find a place where you can sit quietly. If you like, you can light a candle.....do whatever it takes to make this little space of yours conducive to your just sitting still. The first thing you have to do is to do some deep breathing. After that, see where your mind takes you....maybe you feel like doing a review.....maybe you feel like just doing nothing......just BE STILL.

7. Remember, always, that you cannot control other people or events - Every human being, even those close to us, those we love, even our children, our parents, are people in their own rights. They have their own personalities and they will act according to their own lights. Accept this. It's hard to do, but it has to be done.

8. Accept change - Change is hard for all of us and for some it is downright traumatic.... But, the hard fact is that things change...people change...circumstances change...the world is constantly changing...we are constantly changing.

9. Accept that there is imperfection - Things or people or situations or conditions are never what we want them to be...there are a thousand imperfections in all we see. But then we are not perfect either! We have to accept this fact.

10. Learn to enjoy - Enjoy the world as it is. Appreciate people as they are. Savor life...as it happens. Life is not static. It may become messy, it may be harsh, it may show brilliant, brief shots of beauty and kindness... Life is not going to wait for you....it is on the move, so you need to take cheerfully whatever comes your way.


The three important riders are:

1. Practice - This is an ongoing process. Do this again and again and again till it becomes a part of you.

2. Take baby steps - Take one incident at a time. Don't be disheartened if you fail once, twice, a hundred times....there is still another time...and you will succeed in going with the flow.

3. Keep a journal - Make a note of why you got upset, why you let something get under your skin, why you did what you did and which ended up in grief. This will help you focus on what you can do next time. See, what works for me may not work for you - you have to find what will bring you back to the center....It may not be one thing. It may be different things in different circumstances. Checking with your journal will help you remember and keep you focused.

Finally: “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” – Thich Nhat Hanh


(I find great peace in the teachings of Zen and my search led me to this site which I have shared with you - http://zenhabits.net/12-practical-steps-for-learning-to-go-with-the-flow/)

Two things...

hit me hard this past week.

One was the President of the Philippines referring to President Obama as the 'son of a whore'.

And the other was the movie 'Sully'.

Any number of things have been said about the Obamas - the daughters have not been spared either. Of course good things have been said over the past 8 years, but the bad has been really bad and without count. This last was the pits, I thought. And yet, through it all, including this last one, President Obama has remained calm and outwardly unperturbed and has retained his dignity. When asked about this latest jibe, he merely said it was not personal and he went on to have a short meeting with President Duterte.

Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger  had 42 years of unblemished record, and yet, when his plane US Airways Flight 1549 landed on the Hudson River on January 15, 2009, he was being judged on 208 seconds. The NTSB grilled him. He must have replayed what happened on that fateful flight, countless times. Especially tough questions by the NTSB would surely have raised doubts and questions in his mind. Importantly, and especially, since every one of his passengers and crew was safe, was there really any need for this kind of grilling? To be questioned as one who had options but had not taken them, or as one who had made a wrong judgment call? But he never once blamed the people on the Board. When Jeff Skiles, the first officer, expresses his anguish and understandable anger, all Sully says is that the NTSB is doing their job. It was nothing personal.

It is nothing personal-----Two great men under tremendous stress and pressure have the strength of mind to say about the horrible things said to them or by which they were to be judged that these were not personal. In the first instance, it was possible President Duterte was himself in a very weak position and this was his way of hitting out. In the second, a group of people were trying to find out if what the pilot did was all that could have been done under the circumstances or did he make a wrong decision. I thus came to realize that President Duterte's remarks reflected on him and him alone. And, the case built up against Sully was to be looked at as regular standard procedure.

So, then, what should be taken as being personal - From these two and many more instances that come to my mind, I've come to understand that BEING PERSONAL IS ABOUT HOW WE ARE. How we behave under duress....How we behave when we are abused....How we defend ourselves against unfair and unjust charges....

Whether we can maintain our own personal dignity AT ALL TIMES...

Continuing my thoughts on Wu Wei...

On Wednesday I talked about going with the flow. Here is another phrase that will surely help.

Why I'm bringing this in is because I have not been able to understand or practice going with the flow successfully all the time. I live in a challenging situation and my search for inner calm and peace have led me to this....(all the time I'm looking for concepts that I can work on and do to help me)

The phrase, I learnt, that is connected with 'going with the flow' is --- to roll with the punches...

The Free Dictionary explains this very well. To roll with the punches means -

----to absorb the force of a blow. Don't try to get even - this is a mistake we make because we feel that some of the blows are just so unfair....and so unjustly slammed on us...  We feel, 'We are not like this', and then we try to prove that we are not what is being said about us.....try to prove that we do not deserve what is being done to us...and this never, ever, ever works. Absorbing the force of the blow would imply stepping back or moving away to one side as we are being hit by the 'blows of life'.

----to adjust to difficult events as they happen - without shutting our mind to them or finding explanations. Just put one foot in front of the other on the tiny path that appears in front of us.

----to be able to deal well with difficulties or criticism - Half--no---more than half the time people say and do nasty things without realizing what they are doing. Maybe they are having a bad hair day, or maybe they are hurting....whatever the reason they take it out on others. If such a thing happens to us, idea is for us to just laugh it off, no matter how hurtful, or just walk away, or just plain ignore. Yes, if there is truth in what they are saying, then we can do what has to be done to fix it - but this would be for ourselves...we want to be right...we want to be a better person...we don't want to be hurtful.

----Cope with and withstand adversity, especially by being flexible. Here flexible would mean just moving away. If possible you see the other person's point of view, but if you feel the gall and hurt and anger and upset rising up from deep inside you, the best thing would be to just FORCE yourself to move away. Blank out. Go away from that place - maybe a walk or to the gym. Do something...anything..like sitting with the Dictionary and Thesaurus to work out a crossword puzzle even though nothing is quite going into your head. Pick up a favorite book and just go through the motions of reading......

Work towards developing the patience to seek clarity in the unhappy situation or circumstance you find yourself in. Be honest with yourself without being judgmental about yourself...this will lead to being non-judgmental about others too, gradually.

Work towards acquiring simplicity. This means learning to be open-minded, and free from any kind of prejudice. It means being restrained in our actions and removing all complication born out of being self-focused. It means not getting entangled in explanations or getting into condemning mode - condemning ourself/the other person/the unfair, unjust situation/the contentious issue. It means not trying to force things to happen. Simplicity means trying to think clearly and see things clearly.

Both patience and simplicity require us to develop our mental strength...the determination to work towards rising above what is spoiling the tranquility and serenity of our mind and heart.

Thus what we need are patience, simplicity, and the strength of mind to let life flow....to roll with the punches...

Wu Wei...

...the way of Tao.

To understand Wu Wei we need to look at the underlying philosophy of Tao.

The Tao is a poem. Tao or Dao is a Chinese word signifying 'way', 'path', 'route', or sometimes more loosely, 'doctrine' or 'principle'.

Tao allows natural things happen naturally.

(The two factors that may come into play when we allow things to happen naturally are Interference and Intervention. It is important to know the difference:

Interference - Something - could be an act or instance -  that hinders, obstructs, or impedes. Interference would cause conflict leading to external and internal discord. This is where the 'but' comes in. 'But this.......' or 'but that......'.

Intervention - When you modify or determine events in a manner that improves the situation. This would involve patient assessment and planning to remedy or prevent a problem or issue.)

The Tao says that most goals are not gained by struggle but by patience.

Wu Wei (Chinese, literally “non-doing”) is an important concept of Taoism and means natural action, or in other words, action that does not involve struggle or excessive effort. Wu-Wei implies that there’s an inherent flow, a certain natural order to everything.

Wu Wei is the cultivation of a mental state in which our actions are quite effortlessly in alignment with the flow of life.

What is the flow of life? Lao-Tzu puts it beautifully: “Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

No matter how much structure we create in our lives, no matter how many good habits we build, there will always be things that we cannot control — and if we allow them to, these things can be a huge source of anger, frustration and stress. The simple solution: LEARN to go with the flow. Accept change without getting angry or frustrated. Take what life gives you, instead of trying to mold life to be exactly as you want it to be. Struggling towards a goal is not always the best way to attain it. Sometimes, you have to let it be, give it time...

Slip into Wu Wei...

Three things to share...

7 good effects of going to the gym:

1. It's great for your brain

2. You feel happier

3. It retards the aging process

4. Your skin looks better

5. Helps you recover from illness, even a major one

6. Makes the fat cells shrink

7. All-round good results whether you engage in a micro or regular fitness program


(I got this from the Time - http://time.com/4474874/exercise-fitness-workouts/?xid=newsletter-brief)


Good relationships keep us healthier and happier

1. Social connections are good for us and those who are connected to family friends and community are happier, physically healthier and live longer.
Loneliness kills. It is toxic. People who are more isolated are less happy, their health declines, and their brain functioning also declines.

2. The quality of your close relationships matter. Living in the middle of conflict is really bad for health. Living in good warm relationships is protective. Good close relationships seem to buffer us from the slings and arrows of getting old.

3. Good relationships protect our brains. Being in a securely attached relationship in your 80s is protective. These are relationships where each one can count on the other in times of need. These people's memories stay sharper longer too.

4. Good relationships do not have to be smooth all the time. Some octogenarians bicker a great deal, but as long as they know they can count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.

5. Lean into your relationship. This involves people time (spending time with each other), doing something together, reaching out to the family member you haven't spoken to in years... There is a terrible toll emotionally and psychologically on people who hold grudges.

Mark Twain: “There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.”

(I got this from a TED talk - What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness - https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness?language=en)


My plants.....my friends.....my refuge....

Looking after plants is therapeautic. Maybe you don't have place for a garden. Maybe it's just a balcony where you can make a little space. Maybe you just have a large-ish kind of window ledge...Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter if you can't have a lawn. Make space for just one flowerpot. But, keep a plant...make a small garden...

There is unrivalled benefit in seeing a new leaf sprout....it is a feeling like nothing you have ever experienced...the joy of it...the way the tiny little thing that has all the makings of a big leaf - a perfect miniature, actually - suddenly, one morning, makes its presence felt...

Tending for your plant:

See to it that it has enough space around it - yes, even plants need their own personal, private space. It should get enough sunlight and fresh air.

Watering your plant is tricky, so you have to be careful. Too much water and not enough water are both bad for the plant. In fact, a little on the dry side may be better because it makes the roots stronger as they push downwards and outwards in search of water.

They need nourshing. Fertilizers, tea leaves, coffee dregs, egg shells....as you see your plant grow, you will find yourself scouring the local nursery or crawling the Net to see what you can give your plant to make it grow big and strong.

They need human companionship. You have to talk with them, touch them and run your fingers through the leaves. You have to bring your face close to them.

They need music. Music helps plants grow like nothing else. And they have choices too! So pay attention to that!!

They need to be weeded. Weeds threaten them. They are bad for the plants' growth and so have to be removed.

The soil needs to be turned over periodically. This has to be done carefully so as not to damage the roots, and yet allow fresh air to circulate.

Pruning is another thing that has to be done regularly. It's really a painful task because you have to snip off perfect branches so that more branches can grow. You will also have to cut off the dead leaves and flowers...

Sometimes you have to change their place so that they get a round of rain and sun. Then they need extra care because you have changed their place and the surroundings are new.

The absolutely saddest time is when a plant cannot survive and you have to remove it. That is the worst thing of all to go through. I've learnt that turning over the pot and mixing fresh soil with the old one (maybe even replace all the soil), and letting it all air out a bit and stand for a while before planting a new plant helps. Don't give up.

I live in a place where the water is so full of iron that it has taken me more than 3 years to get a sort of garden going....but plants, I've realized are as important to me as the air I breathe. I love to sip my morning cup of coffee with them. It always soothes me and sets the tone for the day. When things go wrong now and again, sitting for a few moments with my plants brings back the balance. Most of my plants are on the balcony. I love to have my meals there, and every evening I light my lamp there before I go to sleep. I keep some plants downstairs in a small area near the car park, and spend some time with them every evening, as well as when I come back from the gym or my morning walk. If I go out anywhere, when I get back, the first stop is to say hello to them, then go upstairs. I also have a few plants outside my front door. It's a lovely feeling when I open the door every morning and see them! Or the way they greet me when I come up the steps....

Keep a plant or plant a garden...It helps a lot and you will feel the happiness the plants send out to you...as they do to me....It's unconditional love at its best......grab it and revel in it...

(This is from me...)

We often...

believe the lies that others tell us about ourselves. We believe the accusations levelled against us. (How do we know these are lies? or that these accusations are false? Because, deep down we know that what they are telling us about ourselves isn't true. We are not like this.... or that..... or the other........ ) And then we get into repair-the-damage mode vis-a vis that person or incident or situation...Just to prove to others that we are not what they are claiming we are.

What about the lies about us that people insinuate through their conversations and looks...unspoken, but loud and clear? This also affects us and we tie ourselves up into knots trying to prove that we are not what they are portraying us to be.

Some things that we can do:

1. We can pick out these spoken or insinuated accusations or lies, about what we are claimed as being, examine them as objectively as we can and see if there is any truth in them. If there is any truth, we can fix it - WITHOUT TRASHING OURSELF. We are human and we will fail. Making a mistake or doing something we had not thought through, happens precisely because we are human. But we will also get up and get going....we have that strength inbuilt in us. 

2. We can dump these spoken or insinuated accusations or lies into the dustbin. Forget about them and carry on. This also becomes sifting time...because we can then sift out the people we want to continue to know or move away from them. If someone is constantly trying to prove us wrong and make us feel small and not bright, then they are not worth wasting even a microsecond on.

3. Spoken or insinuated accusations or lies about us have not to be taken seriously at all. They are meant to hurt us. Of course, knowing this, we can stave off these lies about us.....but there are times when we are feeling not too strong, or not quite ourselves, or maybe we are feeling vulnerable at that point of time....and at these times these spoken or insinuated accusations or lies hurt....they hurt deeply wounding us to the quick.

If we can tie ourselves up into knots trying to prove to the world that we are not what is being claimed - spoken or insinuated - our first duty actually should be to ourselves....We have to tell ourselves over and over again lovingly and kindly that we are important for us first and foremost, and also for those who truly love us - love us unconditionally - and that we owe it to ourselves and these true friends not to accept these spoken or insinuated accusations and lies..... We owe it to ourselves to find happiness and peace and be in a space that allows us to make mistakes, learn from them, pick ourselves up, try something new..... We owe it to ourselves not to feel as if we are useless or rubbish or incompetent or incapable of thinking or doing things..... We owe it to ourselves not to feel unwanted or unworthy or not good enough..... We owe it to ourselves not to blame ourselves for things that go wrong or awry..... We owe it to ourselves to fulfil and expand what is deep inside us - what we are...want to be...how we want to be...how we want our life to be lived...