can be crippling unless we understand what it actually means and entails.
Why I am on this topic today is because I met a friend yesterday who has put herself on this horribly disabling road of feeling indebted to her sister who had helped her out a long time ago. My friend's self-confidence is undermined and she always feels as if she owes it to her sister to comply with anything the sister asks or requires of her. It's like a flip-flop. My friend is very confident when it comes to a whole lot of things, but any mention of her sister and she changes into this cringing, weak person...all because her sister had, long years ago, loaned her the money to buy a house. My friend had repaid the loan, but, has been on a repayment trip ever since. Incidentally, my friend is not dependent on this sister in any way.
I remember a time when I too felt indebted to someone who had helped me get a job, till a colleague told me to quit feeling like this because I had paid back and re-re-repaid that debt of gratitude a million times already. I wasn't a liability on either this person or the institution where I was working and that in itself should have freed me from my feeling of indebtedness. How relieved I felt when I heard that, because I had found myself, often, standing on my head trying to do the impossible tasks that were given to me. Once I internalized this, I could do only what was required of me and not all the extra work being dumped on me. Best is, to my total and complete surprise, I began to elicit a measure of respect from all concerned!!
I decided to analyze this a little.
We all need help at one time or another, and we ask our friends if they can help us. But, there is an understanding - if not stated, then definitely understood, that the help will be repaid. If monetary, the loan will be paid back; if help of any other kind, then it is taken for granted that should your benefactor in his time of need ever require help, you would stretch out your hand. But it ends there. There is an element of thankfulness in indebtedness - one is grateful for help or favor received. And one is obliged to pay that back...because an obligation is a responsibility or a commitment. But, again, and I am repeating this - It ends there. After the repayment, one's obligation ceases. If you want to help the other person after this, then that is your wish, your conscious decision to do so. But it has nothing to do with having been indebted to that person once upon a time.
If we constantly feel indebted to the person who had helped us, even after paying back the debt of gratitude, then we are actually enslaving ourselves. This is in direct contradiction to the all-important aim of life to have a free heart, a free spirit...
30 November 2016
28 November 2016
Beautiful words from Parker Palmer...
The heart is where we integrate what we know in our minds with what we know in our bones, the place where our knowledge can become more fully human.
Wholeness does not mean perfection, it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of your life.
Every day, exercise your heart by taking in life’s little pains and joys — that kind of exercise will make your heart supple, the way a runner makes a muscle supple, so that when it breaks, (and it surely will,) it will break not into a fragment grenade, but into a greater capacity for love.
And today, when the very definition of democracy is under scrutiny, here are some powerful words: For those of us who want to see democracy survive and thrive … the heart is where everything begins: that grounded place in each of us where we can overcome fear, rediscover that we are members of one another, and embrace the conflicts that threaten democracy as openings to new life for us and for our nation.
Wholeness does not mean perfection, it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of your life.
Every day, exercise your heart by taking in life’s little pains and joys — that kind of exercise will make your heart supple, the way a runner makes a muscle supple, so that when it breaks, (and it surely will,) it will break not into a fragment grenade, but into a greater capacity for love.
And today, when the very definition of democracy is under scrutiny, here are some powerful words: For those of us who want to see democracy survive and thrive … the heart is where everything begins: that grounded place in each of us where we can overcome fear, rediscover that we are members of one another, and embrace the conflicts that threaten democracy as openings to new life for us and for our nation.
One critical factor...
that we need to live - really LIVE, as opposed to exist or drift - is 'purpose'. No matter what we do or plan to do, there has to be a purpose behind it....even rambling has a purpose - to ramble and not let the mind dwell on any one thing in particular. The smallest thing we have to do at work, the smallest chore at home...no matter what, we need to do it with purpose. Often we do things because we have to and not because we want to....to overcome the resentment that this is sure to breed, it is better..no wiser..to spend a couple of moments to find the purpose behind the task confronting us and find out what we are feeling resentful about doing. This requires an unflinching honesty. It's the same vis-à-vis people. There are some people we would like to meet professionally. We need to have the purpose behind meeting them, very clear in our mind. If we are meeting a friend for coffee, know why we are meeting her or him and go on from there. Besides the fact that we will be able to handle any misunderstandings that may arise, we will be able to contribute more to the moment...get more out of the interaction...This too requires a resoluteness of spirit..a courageous honesty...because then we may decide not to meet up with certain people, or be cautious in our dealings with certain people, or maybe cancel meeting certain people altogether.
It's difficult but, believe me this is the critical factor. Once we get to the purpose of something, after peeling off all the layers of thought and reflex actions and all that is covering it, we will start feeling stronger, fresher, braver, and more with it...more in tune with ourself and the task in hand.
Try it out. From the routine tasks of daily household chores, to working out in the gym or going for a walk, to setting the table for a meal, to an outing to the mall, to going to the cinema....to everything...every task big or small....to every meeting with people.....find the purpose.....and plunge whole-heartedly into it.
It's difficult but, believe me this is the critical factor. Once we get to the purpose of something, after peeling off all the layers of thought and reflex actions and all that is covering it, we will start feeling stronger, fresher, braver, and more with it...more in tune with ourself and the task in hand.
Try it out. From the routine tasks of daily household chores, to working out in the gym or going for a walk, to setting the table for a meal, to an outing to the mall, to going to the cinema....to everything...every task big or small....to every meeting with people.....find the purpose.....and plunge whole-heartedly into it.
25 November 2016
Thank you...
We've just observed Thanksgiving Day, so today would be a good day to think about what we gave thanks for.
Thanksgiving Day started being observed in the United States of America nearly 400 years ago. Not much is known about the first recorded feast between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians in the New World at Plymouth in 1621, after the Pilgrims successfully harvested their first crop. It was not called Thanksgiving then, but the occasion was a symbol of a coming together in happiness and gratitude for having survived one whole year in a new land and for a good harvest. It would be good to remember, at this point, that the early European colonizers and Native Americans lived in peace for about 10 years until thousands of additional settlers arrived. The ensuing fight for land and rising animosity exploded in a war in 1675.
Abraham Lincoln officially declared Thanksgiving a national holiday by proclamation in 1863.
All Americans go back or try to go back to their homes at this time. This is sacrosanct family time. It is a time for being together and a time to thank God for blessings received. For Native Americans, this is day of somber remembrance...a day to celebrate their survival.
Whether for blessings received or for having survived through difficult times, this is a time for gratitude....To consciously be grateful does not come easily to many of us. While we say Thank you very often - in fact the words just slip off the tongue, usually unthinkingly, - for help given to us, how many times are we conscious that we are thanking a person for the helping hand stretched out to us? How many of us consciously thank God for each new day...for sunlight and flowers, for rain..............for the gazillion good and happy things that happen to us and which we just accept. Indeed, we take all the good things that happen to us as our due! But breathing a Thank you?....aah there we kind of balk. It is important, though, to be able to consciously be thankful. Maybe we need to work on this and practice it and if we haven't already started it, then now would be a good time to start. Be conscious of every teeny tiny thing that happens and breathe a thank you. For those who believe, we thank God, and for those who don't just whisper a thank you anyway....it will go where it has to.... Towards people who help us or reach out to us, let's be conscious of them as we thank them...they are people just like us with feelings...
Every bit of life we are grateful for and consciously acknowledge, will come back to us. And in every bit of bad thing that happens, we will find a small gem that we can be grateful for.
But, what happens when we don't feel like being grateful? Here are some tips that I got from this link-http://motto.time.com/4578385/how-to-feel-more-grateful/?xid=newsletter-brief:
1. Don’t make it a Big Thing - Rabbi Joel Nickerson of Temple Isaiah, in Los Angeles says, “It’s not about finding new forms of positivity in life, but rather about reorienting yourself around the things that you should already be grateful for.” And not just the big, obvious ones—good health or a job promotion—but small things, too.
2. Don’t make it a chore - There is a big difference between choosing to and having to do something. When you have to do something, the instinctive reaction is to resist, but when you choose to do something, it comes out feeling more real to you.
3. Reframe your thank-yous - Instead of just saying thank you, add something personal to it recognizing, perhaps, how difficult it must have been for the person helping you, or how much you appreciate the effort that the person must have put into it....something personal.
4. Cut others some slack - Try not to be too hard on people who show public gratitude. We don't know their motive, but instead of spoiling our minds, let's just blank them out.
5. Give verbal high fives - Thanking someone who thanks you spreads good cheer.
6. Be concrete - This is a take on counting our blessings. When we count our blessings, we can be consciously thankful for each one of them.
7. Give back - Think of ways in which you could reciprocate or give back or pass on a kindness received.
Here are some thoughts on gratitude:
In giving thanks we give of ourselves.
Gratitude is a state of being. - Iyanla Vanzant
Gratitude shifts your perception. - Dr Robert Holden
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. - Melody Beattie
When you practice gratefulness, there is a sense of respect towards others. - The Dalai Lama
Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. - Maya Angelou
Every hour is grace.....be thankful for that hour.
To those who share my blog, Thank You...
Thanksgiving Day started being observed in the United States of America nearly 400 years ago. Not much is known about the first recorded feast between the Pilgrims and the Wampanoag Indians in the New World at Plymouth in 1621, after the Pilgrims successfully harvested their first crop. It was not called Thanksgiving then, but the occasion was a symbol of a coming together in happiness and gratitude for having survived one whole year in a new land and for a good harvest. It would be good to remember, at this point, that the early European colonizers and Native Americans lived in peace for about 10 years until thousands of additional settlers arrived. The ensuing fight for land and rising animosity exploded in a war in 1675.
Abraham Lincoln officially declared Thanksgiving a national holiday by proclamation in 1863.
All Americans go back or try to go back to their homes at this time. This is sacrosanct family time. It is a time for being together and a time to thank God for blessings received. For Native Americans, this is day of somber remembrance...a day to celebrate their survival.
Whether for blessings received or for having survived through difficult times, this is a time for gratitude....To consciously be grateful does not come easily to many of us. While we say Thank you very often - in fact the words just slip off the tongue, usually unthinkingly, - for help given to us, how many times are we conscious that we are thanking a person for the helping hand stretched out to us? How many of us consciously thank God for each new day...for sunlight and flowers, for rain..............for the gazillion good and happy things that happen to us and which we just accept. Indeed, we take all the good things that happen to us as our due! But breathing a Thank you?....aah there we kind of balk. It is important, though, to be able to consciously be thankful. Maybe we need to work on this and practice it and if we haven't already started it, then now would be a good time to start. Be conscious of every teeny tiny thing that happens and breathe a thank you. For those who believe, we thank God, and for those who don't just whisper a thank you anyway....it will go where it has to.... Towards people who help us or reach out to us, let's be conscious of them as we thank them...they are people just like us with feelings...
Every bit of life we are grateful for and consciously acknowledge, will come back to us. And in every bit of bad thing that happens, we will find a small gem that we can be grateful for.
But, what happens when we don't feel like being grateful? Here are some tips that I got from this link-http://motto.time.com/4578385/how-to-feel-more-grateful/?xid=newsletter-brief:
1. Don’t make it a Big Thing - Rabbi Joel Nickerson of Temple Isaiah, in Los Angeles says, “It’s not about finding new forms of positivity in life, but rather about reorienting yourself around the things that you should already be grateful for.” And not just the big, obvious ones—good health or a job promotion—but small things, too.
2. Don’t make it a chore - There is a big difference between choosing to and having to do something. When you have to do something, the instinctive reaction is to resist, but when you choose to do something, it comes out feeling more real to you.
3. Reframe your thank-yous - Instead of just saying thank you, add something personal to it recognizing, perhaps, how difficult it must have been for the person helping you, or how much you appreciate the effort that the person must have put into it....something personal.
4. Cut others some slack - Try not to be too hard on people who show public gratitude. We don't know their motive, but instead of spoiling our minds, let's just blank them out.
5. Give verbal high fives - Thanking someone who thanks you spreads good cheer.
6. Be concrete - This is a take on counting our blessings. When we count our blessings, we can be consciously thankful for each one of them.
7. Give back - Think of ways in which you could reciprocate or give back or pass on a kindness received.
Here are some thoughts on gratitude:
In giving thanks we give of ourselves.
Gratitude is a state of being. - Iyanla Vanzant
Gratitude shifts your perception. - Dr Robert Holden
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. - Melody Beattie
When you practice gratefulness, there is a sense of respect towards others. - The Dalai Lama
Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. - Maya Angelou
Every hour is grace.....be thankful for that hour.
To those who share my blog, Thank You...
23 November 2016
Failure...
and caution.
These two feelings control a lot of our lives - not allowing us to pursue our dreams or achieve what we long for. Wrongfully believing these two feelings to be the same, we pass up many opportunities and chances.
We needn't. We need to understand the difference between these two forces that try to vie for first place.
Fear is an unpleasant and disturbing feeling. It causes actual changes in our physiology and psyche. Both body and mind undergo changes making us feel ill or disturbed. Sometimes, we unthinkingly allow our fears to occupy our whole body and mind. When we start feeling fear, instead of questioning it, we give in to it since it seems so big and threatening. We are afraid we don't look good, we are afraid we will lose our job if we speak up, we are afraid of being ill, we are afraid we will lose our money, we are afraid of...... a hundred thousand things. Actually, if we don't do something about our fears, then they will creep in and occupy our whole persona so that finally we exist in a permanent state of fearfulness. Paralyzed, we would have put to sleep our ability to question, reason and think.
Caution, on the other hand, is a state of being careful. We are restrained and guarded about our responses, we are careful about our handling of situations. We are vigilant of the way incidents unfold and are circumspect in our behavior carefully weighing all our options.
Fear is negative. Its very nature is to make us afraid, anxious and panic-stricken at the slightest thing. It paralyzes us.
Caution is not negative. It makes us watchful so that all our senses are primed up for a response or action. We only need to make sure that we don't get trapped in weighing all our options so many times that we lose the chances that present themselves.
Once again, I will connect this to our personal space. When something comes our way that starts the alarm bells clanging, it is best to force ourselves into our personal space and figure it out. As Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann) says, 'Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.' So if our fears are because of physical tiredness or a feeling of alone-ness, it would be best to ride them out. If they are for real, then at least we would have given ourself the time to work out something to counter the fear or at least be prepared for the worst.
On the other hand, when something new and daring and different comes our way, we need to be cautious in our approach - that is, we need to get as much information as we can before taking a step. Remember, there is no guarantee that if we tread cautiously everything will work out fine. NO. Robert Burns in 'To a Mouse' says, 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.' (The most carefully prepared plans may go wrong). But at least we would have the satisfaction of having tried!
We must just don't let fear paralyze us or too much caution prevent us from getting to where we want to go.
These two feelings control a lot of our lives - not allowing us to pursue our dreams or achieve what we long for. Wrongfully believing these two feelings to be the same, we pass up many opportunities and chances.
We needn't. We need to understand the difference between these two forces that try to vie for first place.
Fear is an unpleasant and disturbing feeling. It causes actual changes in our physiology and psyche. Both body and mind undergo changes making us feel ill or disturbed. Sometimes, we unthinkingly allow our fears to occupy our whole body and mind. When we start feeling fear, instead of questioning it, we give in to it since it seems so big and threatening. We are afraid we don't look good, we are afraid we will lose our job if we speak up, we are afraid of being ill, we are afraid we will lose our money, we are afraid of...... a hundred thousand things. Actually, if we don't do something about our fears, then they will creep in and occupy our whole persona so that finally we exist in a permanent state of fearfulness. Paralyzed, we would have put to sleep our ability to question, reason and think.
Caution, on the other hand, is a state of being careful. We are restrained and guarded about our responses, we are careful about our handling of situations. We are vigilant of the way incidents unfold and are circumspect in our behavior carefully weighing all our options.
Fear is negative. Its very nature is to make us afraid, anxious and panic-stricken at the slightest thing. It paralyzes us.
Caution is not negative. It makes us watchful so that all our senses are primed up for a response or action. We only need to make sure that we don't get trapped in weighing all our options so many times that we lose the chances that present themselves.
Once again, I will connect this to our personal space. When something comes our way that starts the alarm bells clanging, it is best to force ourselves into our personal space and figure it out. As Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann) says, 'Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.' So if our fears are because of physical tiredness or a feeling of alone-ness, it would be best to ride them out. If they are for real, then at least we would have given ourself the time to work out something to counter the fear or at least be prepared for the worst.
On the other hand, when something new and daring and different comes our way, we need to be cautious in our approach - that is, we need to get as much information as we can before taking a step. Remember, there is no guarantee that if we tread cautiously everything will work out fine. NO. Robert Burns in 'To a Mouse' says, 'The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft a-gley.' (The most carefully prepared plans may go wrong). But at least we would have the satisfaction of having tried!
We must just don't let fear paralyze us or too much caution prevent us from getting to where we want to go.
21 November 2016
Relationships...
are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves. That is, the quality and depth of our relationships are directly linked to the space we create around ourselves.
It is not easy to create this space. A relationship has its own in-built demands and in our enthusiasm or need to have a particular relationship, the first thing we trade in is ourselves - we plunge headlong into a relationship that we believe is going to be good for us; or, we cultivate a relationship that we feel is going to be beneficial to us; or, we allow ourselves to be led into a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves. When we get into these relationships, we give our all, we give our best and we very willingly sacrifice our time, our money, our responsibilities, maybe even our children's claims on us. We feel that once we cement this particular relationship, it is going to afford us security...the security of a home, the security of love, financial security...
And this does not happen.
Once the initial phase of whatever it is that got us into the relationship wears off, that's it...... Sometimes it takes years for us to know that the relationship that we so ardently wished for and got, and then worked so hard to keep going, collapses...maybe not in one big catastrophic collapse but in a kind of wearing away at the foundations we thought we had made. The daily wearing away takes as much of a toll, if not more, than one big breakdown.
A relationship, however, has a chance at survival and periodic assessment and rejuvenation only and only if we keep a space around us. A space in which we grow, we discover ourselves, we strip away all the illusions that have kept us going and find the deep-hidden kernel of our own truth. It's hard to look at ourselves when we are keenly looking at and living within a relationship - no matter how good it is...and it's worse when it is an unhappy/striving-to-keep-going relationship. To be able to take a step back and look at the relationship we are in, we need to have a space to take that step in.
Cultivation of this very important space can happen at any time of our lives - we are lucky, very lucky indeed, if it happens before we enter adulthood and take on the responsibilities and challenges and difficulties that go with adulthood. But, if that didn't happen, then listen to your inner voice....it is this inner voice that will tell you it's time now.... This happened to me not very long ago. I didn't know what to do, or how to go about creating my own space because for way, way too long I had put myself down and put myself last. I had also allowed myself to get put down and put last. Further, I had allowed my illusions to cover my reality. It was only with my DD that I could at all be just me. But I knew that for my own survival I had to start work on creating my own space. Slowly, but firmly and surely I started. Getting rid of my illusions about myself was the most agonizing, but as they, and all the defenses I had created for a 'happy' life, crumbled one by painful one, I knew I had it in me to do this very important task of creating a space around me. It has not been - and still isn't - an easy path but I do believe that it is imperative to my well-being. What's more is that the definition of the illusive 'happy' has changed in my inner vocabulary. 'Happy' is now more associated with my inner condition and I strive for peacefulness - a state where there is neither inner turmoil nor strife, a state where I can process all kinds of things said and done into something I can cope with instead of bartering my inner health, a state where I can walk away from people and situations that are toxic and come back to them if need be without rancour or bitterness. The space we create around ourselves is where we retreat to, to lick our wounds, revive ourselves, refresh ourselves and for succor...
It is not easy to create this space. A relationship has its own in-built demands and in our enthusiasm or need to have a particular relationship, the first thing we trade in is ourselves - we plunge headlong into a relationship that we believe is going to be good for us; or, we cultivate a relationship that we feel is going to be beneficial to us; or, we allow ourselves to be led into a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves. When we get into these relationships, we give our all, we give our best and we very willingly sacrifice our time, our money, our responsibilities, maybe even our children's claims on us. We feel that once we cement this particular relationship, it is going to afford us security...the security of a home, the security of love, financial security...
And this does not happen.
Once the initial phase of whatever it is that got us into the relationship wears off, that's it...... Sometimes it takes years for us to know that the relationship that we so ardently wished for and got, and then worked so hard to keep going, collapses...maybe not in one big catastrophic collapse but in a kind of wearing away at the foundations we thought we had made. The daily wearing away takes as much of a toll, if not more, than one big breakdown.
A relationship, however, has a chance at survival and periodic assessment and rejuvenation only and only if we keep a space around us. A space in which we grow, we discover ourselves, we strip away all the illusions that have kept us going and find the deep-hidden kernel of our own truth. It's hard to look at ourselves when we are keenly looking at and living within a relationship - no matter how good it is...and it's worse when it is an unhappy/striving-to-keep-going relationship. To be able to take a step back and look at the relationship we are in, we need to have a space to take that step in.
Cultivation of this very important space can happen at any time of our lives - we are lucky, very lucky indeed, if it happens before we enter adulthood and take on the responsibilities and challenges and difficulties that go with adulthood. But, if that didn't happen, then listen to your inner voice....it is this inner voice that will tell you it's time now.... This happened to me not very long ago. I didn't know what to do, or how to go about creating my own space because for way, way too long I had put myself down and put myself last. I had also allowed myself to get put down and put last. Further, I had allowed my illusions to cover my reality. It was only with my DD that I could at all be just me. But I knew that for my own survival I had to start work on creating my own space. Slowly, but firmly and surely I started. Getting rid of my illusions about myself was the most agonizing, but as they, and all the defenses I had created for a 'happy' life, crumbled one by painful one, I knew I had it in me to do this very important task of creating a space around me. It has not been - and still isn't - an easy path but I do believe that it is imperative to my well-being. What's more is that the definition of the illusive 'happy' has changed in my inner vocabulary. 'Happy' is now more associated with my inner condition and I strive for peacefulness - a state where there is neither inner turmoil nor strife, a state where I can process all kinds of things said and done into something I can cope with instead of bartering my inner health, a state where I can walk away from people and situations that are toxic and come back to them if need be without rancour or bitterness. The space we create around ourselves is where we retreat to, to lick our wounds, revive ourselves, refresh ourselves and for succor...
Worth remembering...
“Societies and cultures are really complicated. . . . This is not mathematics; this is biology and chemistry. These are living organisms, and it’s messy. And your job as a citizen and as a decent human being is to constantly affirm and lift up and fight for treating people with kindness and respect and understanding. And you should anticipate that at any given moment there’s going to be flare-ups of bigotry that you may have to confront, or may be inside you and you have to vanquish. And it doesn’t stop. . . . You don’t get into a fetal position about it. You don’t start worrying about apocalypse. You say, O.K., where are the places where I can push to keep it moving forward.”
Barack Obama's words to his daughters Malia and Sasha
Barack Obama's words to his daughters Malia and Sasha
18 November 2016
Material wealth versus...
peace and love.
(We know all this, so this is a reminder to all of us....we often quiet the little voice inside of us....but that little voice is intrinsic to our happiness and well-being. We shut our eyes to reality hoping that if we don't see it, it will go away...fact is that the reality - often ugly - is very much around us. Thus, to do a reality check, in effect means that we check off our instant desires with the reality of life around us. Then, even if we do give in to our desires, it is with the full knowledge of life as it is.... And this will change us...make us more real humans.)
Our world is flush with all kinds of material things....and they are so attractive and affordable that we feel that we just cannot live without them. Sometimes we feel that even if something is not within our reach, we just have to have it and so we cut all kinds of monetary capers and spend our time devising all kinds of schemes so that somehow, at any cost, we get this thing that we feel we cannot live without or which we believe is critical to our happiness.
Wise men have over the years, time and time again, told us that it is better to concentrate on the heart and soul rather than spend money running after goods that after a few days or years lose their value and we, without a thought, chuck them into the waste bin.
When we die, we go without any of the things we bought....but we do carry away the energies of love and goodwill, patience and grace, elegance and refinement in words, thoughts and actions with us...
We've heard all this a zillion times but we forget and sometimes it is the picture of a distraught woman who cannot feed her child, or a child rummaging in a pile of garbage, or refugees struggling to find a haven where they can live and bring up their children in relative peacefulness that remind us of our reality. For this is our reality and not the pictures which show fast cars and gold furniture and a person displaying silks and velvets.
Creating and leading an aesthetic life matters...so does generosity of spirit. To be able to forgive those who wrong us, to be ready to walk an extra mile in another person's shoes, to keep our homes clean and pretty with natural things and not expensive articles, to yearn for and create a simple lifestyle, to ensure there is peace in our home and around us....
Red Cloud, OGLALA LAKOTA says: The Elders say that what is important is peace and love. To have material things is okay, but if not, that's okay too. To have peace and love is more important than anything material. Our children will see the value of peace and love only if adults show they are a priority. Too often we think we can offer material things and they will replace the time spent with our children. But the most important way to give our children peace and love is to spend time with them.
These words ring true because, looking beyond our own space, we, each one of us, has a responsibility to the generation that comes after us. We are responsible for the children who come into our lives. The easiest thing, as I have often seen is to bung a digital gadget into the hands of a child who, in fact, needs our attention....our cuddling, our time, and our undivided attention for a few minutes...
(We know all this, so this is a reminder to all of us....we often quiet the little voice inside of us....but that little voice is intrinsic to our happiness and well-being. We shut our eyes to reality hoping that if we don't see it, it will go away...fact is that the reality - often ugly - is very much around us. Thus, to do a reality check, in effect means that we check off our instant desires with the reality of life around us. Then, even if we do give in to our desires, it is with the full knowledge of life as it is.... And this will change us...make us more real humans.)
Our world is flush with all kinds of material things....and they are so attractive and affordable that we feel that we just cannot live without them. Sometimes we feel that even if something is not within our reach, we just have to have it and so we cut all kinds of monetary capers and spend our time devising all kinds of schemes so that somehow, at any cost, we get this thing that we feel we cannot live without or which we believe is critical to our happiness.
Wise men have over the years, time and time again, told us that it is better to concentrate on the heart and soul rather than spend money running after goods that after a few days or years lose their value and we, without a thought, chuck them into the waste bin.
When we die, we go without any of the things we bought....but we do carry away the energies of love and goodwill, patience and grace, elegance and refinement in words, thoughts and actions with us...
We've heard all this a zillion times but we forget and sometimes it is the picture of a distraught woman who cannot feed her child, or a child rummaging in a pile of garbage, or refugees struggling to find a haven where they can live and bring up their children in relative peacefulness that remind us of our reality. For this is our reality and not the pictures which show fast cars and gold furniture and a person displaying silks and velvets.
Creating and leading an aesthetic life matters...so does generosity of spirit. To be able to forgive those who wrong us, to be ready to walk an extra mile in another person's shoes, to keep our homes clean and pretty with natural things and not expensive articles, to yearn for and create a simple lifestyle, to ensure there is peace in our home and around us....
Red Cloud, OGLALA LAKOTA says: The Elders say that what is important is peace and love. To have material things is okay, but if not, that's okay too. To have peace and love is more important than anything material. Our children will see the value of peace and love only if adults show they are a priority. Too often we think we can offer material things and they will replace the time spent with our children. But the most important way to give our children peace and love is to spend time with them.
These words ring true because, looking beyond our own space, we, each one of us, has a responsibility to the generation that comes after us. We are responsible for the children who come into our lives. The easiest thing, as I have often seen is to bung a digital gadget into the hands of a child who, in fact, needs our attention....our cuddling, our time, and our undivided attention for a few minutes...
16 November 2016
To...
own what you say.
I believe this is hugely important. So often we are at the receiving end of what someone says callously, without thinking of the implications of what they are saying, or indifferently, thus negating what we feel, and sometimes in a manner that puts us down. And later, how often we've had to hear statements like - I didn't mean it that way... Come on, why are you being so sensitive... Can you not take a joke? I was only pulling your leg... and many other similar statements. A response to something said insensitively, that particularly galls me is, Oops I'm sorry. One may argue that saying sorry is enough. Believe me, it isn't. We can cover this up by saying the tone matters, the manner in which it is said matters, the occasion matters etcetcetc.... But, that's not the point. None of these excuses works.
To be able to own what we say requires huge strength of character and guts, because chances are it may require us to take some kind of punishment. On a deeper level, to own what we say will require us to introspect. Nine times out of ten we see that the people who have unthinkingly shot their mouth off with something hurtful, something that they know has hit their target, bull's eye, try to hide behind arguments and reasons making matters worse. Yet, if they own what they say, it is easier to accept their apology and maybe that would lead to something better at a later stage...for the person who apologizes genuinely as well as for the hurt person.
What do we get out of 'this is what I am take it or leave it', or of being proud of oneself for always speaking their mind and to hell with the consequences, or, 'I always say what I think'...What do we get out of hurting anyone. Even a person who drives us nuts, or is rude with us, or hurtful with us has a soft spot somewhere deep in his/her psyche and our responding by saying what comes first into our mouth, or whatever comes to mind at that difficult moment doesn't help.
We are, in the end, as diminished by our hurtful, cruel words when we say them or hear them. It is only when we realize and accept the fact that we have to own what we say that we become more complete people...
I believe this is hugely important. So often we are at the receiving end of what someone says callously, without thinking of the implications of what they are saying, or indifferently, thus negating what we feel, and sometimes in a manner that puts us down. And later, how often we've had to hear statements like - I didn't mean it that way... Come on, why are you being so sensitive... Can you not take a joke? I was only pulling your leg... and many other similar statements. A response to something said insensitively, that particularly galls me is, Oops I'm sorry. One may argue that saying sorry is enough. Believe me, it isn't. We can cover this up by saying the tone matters, the manner in which it is said matters, the occasion matters etcetcetc.... But, that's not the point. None of these excuses works.
To be able to own what we say requires huge strength of character and guts, because chances are it may require us to take some kind of punishment. On a deeper level, to own what we say will require us to introspect. Nine times out of ten we see that the people who have unthinkingly shot their mouth off with something hurtful, something that they know has hit their target, bull's eye, try to hide behind arguments and reasons making matters worse. Yet, if they own what they say, it is easier to accept their apology and maybe that would lead to something better at a later stage...for the person who apologizes genuinely as well as for the hurt person.
What do we get out of 'this is what I am take it or leave it', or of being proud of oneself for always speaking their mind and to hell with the consequences, or, 'I always say what I think'...What do we get out of hurting anyone. Even a person who drives us nuts, or is rude with us, or hurtful with us has a soft spot somewhere deep in his/her psyche and our responding by saying what comes first into our mouth, or whatever comes to mind at that difficult moment doesn't help.
We are, in the end, as diminished by our hurtful, cruel words when we say them or hear them. It is only when we realize and accept the fact that we have to own what we say that we become more complete people...
14 November 2016
Kindness...
Kindness...
is different from nicety and politeness. Kindness is revealed only in challenging times when we have to rise above happenings created by fear or anger or despair.
Carl Sagan urges: "Let us temper our criticism with kindness."
Here is a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, that spells out what kindness really is.
is different from nicety and politeness. Kindness is revealed only in challenging times when we have to rise above happenings created by fear or anger or despair.
Carl Sagan urges: "Let us temper our criticism with kindness."
Here is a poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, that spells out what kindness really is.
KINDNESS
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
There Is a Crack in Everything...
That’s How the Light Gets In
This is one of Leonard Cohen's most beloved lyric lines, from the song “Anthem” — and it remains the most meaningful message for our troubled and troubling times.
Leonard Cohen (September 21, 1934–November 10, 2016) was trained as a poet and ordained as a Buddhist monk. He wrote songs partway between philosophy and prayer — songs radiating the kind of prayerfulness which Simone Weil celebrated as “the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
Today when events in our countries, and smaller but significant experiences in our own lives, spell outrage and confrontation, what we need is a “a revelation in the heart rather than a confrontation or a call-to-arms or a defense” for healing our wounds and divides. What might our world look like if this is what we aimed for....?
Church music, synagogue music, mosque music....they all came together in Cohen. He said a good song was 'a miracle' and observed that the creative process itself was a spiritual channel to the miraculous.
It's hard to accept death, and death of a person whose life was synonymous with music is harder to accept.
Thank you, Leonard Cohen, for everything.
Leonard Cohen (September 21, 1934–November 10, 2016) was trained as a poet and ordained as a Buddhist monk. He wrote songs partway between philosophy and prayer — songs radiating the kind of prayerfulness which Simone Weil celebrated as “the rarest and purest form of generosity.”
Today when events in our countries, and smaller but significant experiences in our own lives, spell outrage and confrontation, what we need is a “a revelation in the heart rather than a confrontation or a call-to-arms or a defense” for healing our wounds and divides. What might our world look like if this is what we aimed for....?
Church music, synagogue music, mosque music....they all came together in Cohen. He said a good song was 'a miracle' and observed that the creative process itself was a spiritual channel to the miraculous.
It's hard to accept death, and death of a person whose life was synonymous with music is harder to accept.
Thank you, Leonard Cohen, for everything.
11 November 2016
Why am I feeling so devastated...
the result of the US elections.
I live in faraway Calcutta....America has always been a part of my life. I grew up in a Theological Seminary, where my father was a professor of Theology. The Seminary had many American missionaries, and their way of life made a deep impression on me. I studied in Isabella Thoburn College where I imbibed the life and philosophy of Isabella Thoburn. I was awarded a scholarship to study for one year at The Florida Southern College, Lakeland, Florida. And that's all my physical connection with the country, but over the years my decisions of how I want to live have been unconsciously shaped by America. I know it is not a perfect country - which country is - but childhood impressions shape the way one thinks...Another deep link I have is my admiration for and deep acceptance of Native American wisdom. The game 'Cowboys and Indians' formed a major part of our life too, and as kids we idealized both cowboys and American Indians.
And so, the American values of home and hearth, their fierce independence of spirit, their innate honesty of being able to look at themselves, their fearless acceptance of every opportunity that came their way, their ability to work hard and against all odds, their love of adventure, their fighting up for the underdog, their incredible creativity, their breadth, height and depth of intellectual thought, their ability to reach out even if it is something as simple and basic as taking a batch of freshly-baked cookies to welcome someone who has just moved into their neighbourhood....and many other big and small characteristics. I have always loved the wit, wisdom and music of the African Americans...from Maya Angelou to Michelle and Barack Obama...from the Jazz greats to the a capella spirituals.... I do believe with my whole heart that the best of America is still the best in the world. Can you imagine then, my total horror and dismay that the person who was voted in to lead this great country was a man who exhibited and revelled in the exhibition of the basest and crudest of attitudes and standards of behavior. It is all very well to say he was gracious in his acceptance speech but the worth and character of a man can be judged only in the way he reacts and responds when he loses/fails....would a man who kept claiming that the 'system was rigged' and who baldly said he would not accept a result in which Hillary Clinton won, been gracious in his defeat? What vituperation he spewed throughout his campaign.... what was his demeanor during the debates? Of course when one sees the actual numbers, one realizes it was not a great victory at all, but then one does not see numbers, one only sees the man....and I feel as if I have lost something very precious.
It is not that people make mistakes, it is not that all countries go through cycles of good governance and bad ones, it is not about riding this through... It is something more....You know what happens when something you hold dear gets an irreparable crack in it....? It is the unbelievable and not-ready-to-accept feeling you get when you see that the country you idealize has a clay base...
That's the way I'm feeling right now.
Why America? Why did you do this to yourselves? Why did you hurt the world so?
I live in faraway Calcutta....America has always been a part of my life. I grew up in a Theological Seminary, where my father was a professor of Theology. The Seminary had many American missionaries, and their way of life made a deep impression on me. I studied in Isabella Thoburn College where I imbibed the life and philosophy of Isabella Thoburn. I was awarded a scholarship to study for one year at The Florida Southern College, Lakeland, Florida. And that's all my physical connection with the country, but over the years my decisions of how I want to live have been unconsciously shaped by America. I know it is not a perfect country - which country is - but childhood impressions shape the way one thinks...Another deep link I have is my admiration for and deep acceptance of Native American wisdom. The game 'Cowboys and Indians' formed a major part of our life too, and as kids we idealized both cowboys and American Indians.
And so, the American values of home and hearth, their fierce independence of spirit, their innate honesty of being able to look at themselves, their fearless acceptance of every opportunity that came their way, their ability to work hard and against all odds, their love of adventure, their fighting up for the underdog, their incredible creativity, their breadth, height and depth of intellectual thought, their ability to reach out even if it is something as simple and basic as taking a batch of freshly-baked cookies to welcome someone who has just moved into their neighbourhood....and many other big and small characteristics. I have always loved the wit, wisdom and music of the African Americans...from Maya Angelou to Michelle and Barack Obama...from the Jazz greats to the a capella spirituals.... I do believe with my whole heart that the best of America is still the best in the world. Can you imagine then, my total horror and dismay that the person who was voted in to lead this great country was a man who exhibited and revelled in the exhibition of the basest and crudest of attitudes and standards of behavior. It is all very well to say he was gracious in his acceptance speech but the worth and character of a man can be judged only in the way he reacts and responds when he loses/fails....would a man who kept claiming that the 'system was rigged' and who baldly said he would not accept a result in which Hillary Clinton won, been gracious in his defeat? What vituperation he spewed throughout his campaign.... what was his demeanor during the debates? Of course when one sees the actual numbers, one realizes it was not a great victory at all, but then one does not see numbers, one only sees the man....and I feel as if I have lost something very precious.
It is not that people make mistakes, it is not that all countries go through cycles of good governance and bad ones, it is not about riding this through... It is something more....You know what happens when something you hold dear gets an irreparable crack in it....? It is the unbelievable and not-ready-to-accept feeling you get when you see that the country you idealize has a clay base...
That's the way I'm feeling right now.
Why America? Why did you do this to yourselves? Why did you hurt the world so?
09 November 2016
I came across this fascinating lady...
Sande Chase, who went straight to my heart.
And I found her thanks to Vicki Archer. I've been following Vicki for many years. Her page http://vickiarcher.com/ has held great attraction for me, not only because I love to look at and study French fashion but also because she showcases people and places very charmingly.
Sande Chase is battling Glioblastoma Multiforme brain cancer.
Her thoughts and words carry infinite wisdom. I'd like to share what I culled from Vicki's website.
1. I always make time to watch the sunsets, which I have become fascinated by as a gift of nature that is shared by the whole world. I take them as a message that we need to share our world, not divide it. We have somehow mixed up citizenship with ownership of our countries and the world. This saddens me for the generations ahead.
2. I love starting my day with beauty and communication.
3. I like that I took permission to speak my mind and remove toxic or negative people from my life. It is essential to my well-being right now.
4. Ageing in a physical sense or number never concerned me for some reason. I would have liked to embrace physical activity more instead of always living in my head. I did so a few years ago with cycling, which I loved.
5. I can’t say I dislike getting older. I recently accepted that this is my old age right now, I am living it in a condensed and accelerated version and I have claimed it as gracefully as I can. I find I reminisce about all the stages of my life. It keeps me grateful at a time when I could choose to be bitter but I refuse to give into that. I have had a wonderful life supported by love and beauty and amazing people.
6. I would have asked my parents and grandparents more question about their lives. Our family has discovered a most interesting ancestry and lineage from France to New France (Canada) and I have many questions.
7. I wish I had been more supportive to people going through what I am going through now. I always did something but not enough. I was always worried about being intrusive and I missed opportunities to be more supportive. I wish I had been the first one at their door when something happened.
And I found her thanks to Vicki Archer. I've been following Vicki for many years. Her page http://vickiarcher.com/ has held great attraction for me, not only because I love to look at and study French fashion but also because she showcases people and places very charmingly.
Sande Chase is battling Glioblastoma Multiforme brain cancer.
Her thoughts and words carry infinite wisdom. I'd like to share what I culled from Vicki's website.
1. I always make time to watch the sunsets, which I have become fascinated by as a gift of nature that is shared by the whole world. I take them as a message that we need to share our world, not divide it. We have somehow mixed up citizenship with ownership of our countries and the world. This saddens me for the generations ahead.
2. I love starting my day with beauty and communication.
3. I like that I took permission to speak my mind and remove toxic or negative people from my life. It is essential to my well-being right now.
4. Ageing in a physical sense or number never concerned me for some reason. I would have liked to embrace physical activity more instead of always living in my head. I did so a few years ago with cycling, which I loved.
5. I can’t say I dislike getting older. I recently accepted that this is my old age right now, I am living it in a condensed and accelerated version and I have claimed it as gracefully as I can. I find I reminisce about all the stages of my life. It keeps me grateful at a time when I could choose to be bitter but I refuse to give into that. I have had a wonderful life supported by love and beauty and amazing people.
6. I would have asked my parents and grandparents more question about their lives. Our family has discovered a most interesting ancestry and lineage from France to New France (Canada) and I have many questions.
7. I wish I had been more supportive to people going through what I am going through now. I always did something but not enough. I was always worried about being intrusive and I missed opportunities to be more supportive. I wish I had been the first one at their door when something happened.
07 November 2016
I read these words somewhere...
'anxiety of life' and it got me between the eyes.
The Bible repeatedly tells us not to be anxious for anything. And yet we are anxious all the time....if not for one thing, then for another.
Compounding our anxiety is our fear - fear of the unknown; fear of collapsing and not being able to get back up again; fear that we will spiral out of control; fear of change and what change may bring; fear of a zillion things - big and small.
The trouble is that anxiety and the accompanying fears pull us down...they paralyze us...they cause friction in the atmosphere and disturb the peace of the home/work place.
We HAVE to realize is that it is okay to be anxious; it is okay to be scared. BUT.....and this is a big BUT.....we also need to get out of this frame of mind for our own sakes. The only way to do this is to be present in our feelings of pain/insecurity/hurt/anger/upset.... Accept them for what they are. Lean in and acknowledge our pain. Listen to our pain. Understand where it comes from.
And gradually we will start trusting our own self. We will start taking care of our self. We will learn to let go. We will learn to make peace with the past, and enjoy the present....for this present is all we have. Though the temptation is there to reach out to someone, the reality is that noone but noone can really make things okay for us. We have to make it okay for our own self and the beauty is that we have all the tools inside of us to make things right.
The Bible repeatedly tells us not to be anxious for anything. And yet we are anxious all the time....if not for one thing, then for another.
Compounding our anxiety is our fear - fear of the unknown; fear of collapsing and not being able to get back up again; fear that we will spiral out of control; fear of change and what change may bring; fear of a zillion things - big and small.
The trouble is that anxiety and the accompanying fears pull us down...they paralyze us...they cause friction in the atmosphere and disturb the peace of the home/work place.
We HAVE to realize is that it is okay to be anxious; it is okay to be scared. BUT.....and this is a big BUT.....we also need to get out of this frame of mind for our own sakes. The only way to do this is to be present in our feelings of pain/insecurity/hurt/anger/upset.... Accept them for what they are. Lean in and acknowledge our pain. Listen to our pain. Understand where it comes from.
And gradually we will start trusting our own self. We will start taking care of our self. We will learn to let go. We will learn to make peace with the past, and enjoy the present....for this present is all we have. Though the temptation is there to reach out to someone, the reality is that noone but noone can really make things okay for us. We have to make it okay for our own self and the beauty is that we have all the tools inside of us to make things right.
Faced with the death of a loved one...
and the pain and insecurities and questions that come in its wake, what does one do? what can one do?
I reached out to Zen.
Stephen Fry refers to Dogen, the founder of the school of Zen that he was ordained in. Dogen says – again and again and again: “Focus on this life. Live this actual day. Pay attention to just this very moment. This is where it’s all happening, not in some future lifetime, not in your next birth or your ‘middle existence’ between incarnations. Just here. Just now.”
Osho says that the Zen approach to death is utterly different and immensely profound. While other religions say death is not to be worried about, not to be feared because the soul is eternal, the Zen attitude about death is the same as the Zen attitude to life - that of laughter, joy, celebration.
Zen does not seek to answer subjective questions related to God, the afterlife, reincarnation, and spiritualism. Zen cannot confirm nor deny them, therefore, it is better to remain silent and to live simply in the moment.
I reached out to Zen.
Stephen Fry refers to Dogen, the founder of the school of Zen that he was ordained in. Dogen says – again and again and again: “Focus on this life. Live this actual day. Pay attention to just this very moment. This is where it’s all happening, not in some future lifetime, not in your next birth or your ‘middle existence’ between incarnations. Just here. Just now.”
Osho says that the Zen approach to death is utterly different and immensely profound. While other religions say death is not to be worried about, not to be feared because the soul is eternal, the Zen attitude about death is the same as the Zen attitude to life - that of laughter, joy, celebration.
Zen does not seek to answer subjective questions related to God, the afterlife, reincarnation, and spiritualism. Zen cannot confirm nor deny them, therefore, it is better to remain silent and to live simply in the moment.
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