invade my mind as I find myself taking stock of myself one year since I joined the gym. I joined the gym primarily on my DD's insistence. I was at a very deep low point of my life.
And so I started going to the gym as part of my journey to get back my self....to allow my mind to heal....to let my heart start feeling the right things again....to force my mind into thinking the right way.
Gradually I realized how much the discipline of going to the gym helped. It was not only the routine work-out that my instructor planned out for me, it was the whole experience - waking up in the morning and getting to the gym on time, being with strangers - working out in front of them, listening to them without understanding what they were saying...just letting the words, and nuances of tone wash over me. (I don't speak Bengali, the local language. I speak Hindi and English besides my mother tongue. Very few people in the gym speak Hindi, and English and my mother tongue not at all). This was a new experience.
Though we search for, read about and try to understand the wisest way to go about our life, it is often difficult to remember them...and wisdom often flies out when there is a critical situation on hand. Critical can be anything - it can be not being able to cope with anything that is harsh or hurtful - even the tiniest bit so. Critical can be something very big. Critical can be anything that affects just us in a bad way, critical can be something that draws in other people into our circle. The discipline of doing a routine regularly and relentlessly brings about a steadiness. You don't easily get rattled. I work on what I have to do, even though it gets tedious sometimes, very regularly and steadfastly. I'm, therefore, able to remove my mind from the tedious task. The good thing is that now I don't feel unhappy about the whole daily tasks routine. I don't feel I'm unfairly saddled with a whole barrage of humdrum things when my mind actually wants to soar. I can still allow my mind to roam around where I want it to go. I'm able to not let the routine get the better of me. It doesn't happen as blissfully all the time, but it does happen often enough for me to know that I have to work on it. Just like we have to juggle our work routine in case the work station that we are supposed to be on is not free, it is now easier for me to juggle my work at home without getting distressed.
I was initially a little skeptical about doing yoga. I didn't want to get into the mumbo-jumbo of it. My instructor said I needed to do the exercises as it would help me make myself more supple and take away a lot of the stiffness of my joints. Now I feel that it has made me a more peaceful person as well. If you cannot still your mind, you end up flailing your arms and legs - as has happened with me so many times. Peacefulness is not just a stillness of mind, though that is imperative to begin with. Peacefulness has to be a stillness with no disturbances hovering on the edges. It has to be a steady, pervasive kind of peacefulness. I'm beginning to feel this now and can make out the difference from how I used to feel.
The fact that sometimes the exercises go off smoothly and sometimes do not....and yet we go back to the gym the next time around, has helped me a lot. I used to think that everything has to be just so and if it wasn't then there was something wrong with me. Gymming has taught me that even though things don't go off as they should on certain days, the fact that they do go off well on other days, points to the fact that I'm not a failure...nothing's wrong with me.
Often, when a yoga asana is just not happening, after a while my instructor tells me to leave it off for the day. How often we have read about letting go.....and still we hang on trying and trying and trying through blood, sweat and tears only to be met with the same negative result. I've now learnt that sometimes my body just will not obey my mind. If I leave that particular exercise off and do something else, often, I can go back to what I'd left. If my body persists in its stiffness, then I leave it and do something else and feel none the worse for it....Sometimes, just sitting still helps me.
Another thing I've learnt is not to get desperate when one chore is taking longer than usual...not to hurry through things. The fact is that when exercising, there are no short cuts. One can cut short the time required to be spent on that exercise or at that work station but that doesn't really help in the long run. There is also a nagging feeling at the back of the mind that one cheated on oneself. My chores used to feel too much too handle and never-ending, now I finish one completely before moving to another, instead of doing a bit here and a bit there and then going back and doing some more before finally finishing. I've learnt that if I keep on at it, I'm able to finish it with fewer retakes and mistakes. So now I finish one task completely before moving to the next one. The bonus here is that I'm taking less time, instead of more...
A big thing I've learnt is to laugh....laugh at myself when I struggle, sometimes quite comically, at a work station. We all also laugh together - one doesn't need a language to laugh! - at someone's acrobatics. Native American wisdom says "Laughter - that is something very sacred..." (John (Fire) Lame Deer, ROSEBUD LAKOTA). Laughter is mental, laughter is emotional, laughter is physical, and laughter is spiritual. Laughter helps us find balance. If we get too angry, laughter will turn that emotion in a balanced direction. If we have a mental picture of someone who is too strong, laughter will help ease the tension. If the body is stressed, laughter will release natural relaxants into our muscles and our nervous system. Laughter often changes our attitude. We need to lighten up and laugh more.
I see those who are really very fit - I'm not even halfway there - but the truths I've learnt are priceless. Peace of mind requires the body to be in good condition, first, then it requires us to work, and work hard, towards achieving an all-pervasive quietness....One cannot be free from anxiety or worry, but one can learn that there are other things to think about as well. There are some things that we just cannot do. No point in thinking about it and fretting about it. No point in running from pillar to post. No point in hassling ourselves over it. It's not going to happen. What can happen is to free ourselves from its clutches and look at what we are, what we have, with peace of mind....with no disturbing or upsetting waves beating around the edges.
It's not easy. I'm just beginning to internalize some basics... I recognize the hard work involved and I mean to work at it...including laughter....need to laugh more....much, much more...