Guilt’s focus is on behavior - I am not doing what has been expected of me.
The difference:
Shame says - I am bad.
Guilt says - I've done something bad.
We can work out our guilt. Shame, however goes deep and has to be pulled out forcefully by the roots.
When we are ashamed of something we believe is wrong with us - poor complexion, overweight/underweight, bright/dull...and this thought fills our mind, then we are putting ourselves in a space of shame. We are so cringing within ourselves that we cannot see the bigger picture. Self-esteem is at zero.
According to Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy, and judgment. The only thing shame cannot possibly survive is empathy.
Which means that we have to find courage to talk about what we are feeling shame of. Instead of making excuses, or skirting the issue, we have to be honest about what we are struggling with. This starts to open us up...we begin to feel less stressed and tight inside of ourselves.
When we attack our self - my face, my talents, my abilities, my physique - we need to recognize what we are feeling and reframe the sentences that are flooding our mind and heart. So, we instead of 'I cannot even do this', we say, 'I slipped up. But that's not too bad because everyone slips up at some time or the other. This does not make me a failure.' Or, 'How can I go in front of people looking like this', say, 'My face/physique is just one part of me. There is definitely more to me than this.' In other words, we replace the negative dialogue with cheers for the positive things we do and are capable of doing.
We all do a thousand positive things a day. Yet, strangely, we don't focus on this, but put our full attention on one small part of us or one tiny thing we did differently.
In other words, we need to start practicing loving ourselves. Talk to ourselves as we would to a dear friend; treat ourselves the way we would treat someone we care for.
Further, if it is someone else who has put you in a space of shame, say loudly who has made you feel like this....say what he/she said to you or done to you, and say it out loud that you are not accepting what has been said or done to you. You do not accept that person. This is another way of not validating those negative things that someone is trying to make you believe you have in you.
So,
- Face squarely what we are feeling a sense of shame about.
- Replace the negative dialogues with positive ones.
- Enumerate and focus on all the positive things we do and we know we are capable of doing.
- Start loving our self.
- Put the shame in the place where it belongs so that you invalidate them and defang them.
We need to NOT transform shame into a state of being. It is a feeling and as a feeling, it will pass unless we dwell on it and give it an important space inside of us.