When...

beset by doubts of any kind......................

it's best to be silent - if it happens naturally, you're lucky, but if it's something you find hard to do, preferring to try and explain (try - because you just end up becoming agitated, incoherent, and going round in circles), then you must FORCE yourself to keep quiet.

Only this seems to help resolve doubts and tangles.

The haunting strains of the theme from Papillon...

brought home to me as never before that while we all have a place under the sun, we, each one of us, also has our own special place in the scheme of things. It is extremely important to find this, and wholeheartedly accept this (this is the catch) without cynicism, rancor, or going overboard, for only then can we be at peace with ourselves, and in harmony with our surroundings.

To explain: just because we may have been brought up to believe that we are the center of the Universe, or among the flotsam of the Universe, doesn't mean that we belong there...our rightful place, if we belong to the first category, may be somewhere lower down, or, if we belong to the second group, our rightful place maybe somewhere on top - but it's always somewhere else...that is what we have to find, and accept and live...

Wonder why...

any kind of suffering or negativeness takes so long to leave the system - seems like it just permeates the whole being and causes a kind of paralysis; it wants to take up residence, and just stay on and on...

Wonder, too, why happiness and anything positive leaves the system so quickly - seems like it is in a hurry to leave, sometimes not even leaving a faint whiff of its warm, glowing perfume; or even leaving behind the impression of a memory...

Building ourselves...

on the strength of dear, good friends - friends who you know will always stand by you and share their last fragment of bread with you...

You know you are not alone, no matter what kind of or how many lemons life throws at you, because they are there to help catch/field/deflect/destroy/turn them

You know you can handle anything because of the wonderful support system they offer

You know you can face anything because of the back-up they provide

You know you can stand up to anything and anyone, because they stiffen your back and put iron into it

You are comforted, strengthened, and liberated....

           




                  I know that for my friends and me, we are the back-up we need...

Adding to living in the moment...

An exercise to be consciously done this year -

Check to see if I am living in the moment....

Of course if the moment is one in which I am working or doing something, the check is easy. The consciousness needs to be there in:

Happy moments - when I need to recognize it, participate in it fully, file it away, and.................remember that it is fleeting,                

Angry moments - when I need to get what really happened, and if needs be, even express it, instead of trying to look for reasons, rationalize, blame, suppress, and.................. remember that it is fleeting... . (There is a rider here - it's best when angry to be alone, and try not to say anything - if it would help, its even best to go off for a walk or to the gym - because what is said or done in a moment of anger may be worse than what happened to make you angry in the first place. Remember sticks and stones may hurt my bones, but angry words will hurt the soul).                                              

Hurting moments - when I need to face up to it (not wish it away, try to push it under the carpet, or rationalize it, or stifle/compress it), suffer it, cry, maybe, and.................... remember that it is fleeting...

This is a pass it on...

An extremely dear friend shared this wisdom with me - if someone has hit out unfairly at you, or what is your best effort, or your person; or has unthinkingly put you down, or tried to demean you, or wanted to show you as less; or has, because they were stressed, wrongly downloaded on you, in the process demolishing you, the best thing would be to confront the person - in fact, it is imperative to do so, (i.e., if you haven't been able to do a water-off-duck's-back kind of thing about it) - for your own sake - just for you.

If you are a person in whom such a thing would fester, evoke feelings of there-goes-again, or generate thoughts of I-am-truly-the-pits, or make you hurt and hurt and hurt, or make you go over the same ground again and again and again, with whatever it was becoming bigger and larger and more frightening in the mind...it is best to face the person who is at the bottom of your feeling this way. It could be right away, or after a month, or after six months, or a year - but get it out of the way.

Getting it out of the way, is also recognizing the fact that you are not afraid anymore - think - half the time, we don't ask the person head-on what they meant, instead, go on suffering, because we are afraid in case the person hits out in a manner that we will not be able to handle - the response may be cajoling, nasty, yelling, reasoning, a oh come-on-it's-not-serious one, or a aren't-you-reading-too-much-into-it one - all again designed to fill you with guilt, and make you question your own mind and thinking and emotions...

Fact is, as I have very recently learnt - you can take on all  or any consequences that arise from having responded to something which to you is unfair and unjust. You can - believe me, you can.

The only thing you need to remember when responding is to be factual, and state-but-not-accuse - a kind of bringing it to the mind of the person concerned.

The major question would be why? why not leave it be? Yes, leave it be if you can erase it right away - totally erase it - but otherwise, taking off on my blog on 'Gifts' - if the good Lord thought enough of us to gift us His Son, then surely we need to value the fact that we cannot gift ourselves anything but what is good and what will make us happy and what will restore the peace in our hearts...

The Upper Room...

is my Daily Devotional. Somehow, no matter what 'valley of the shadow of death' I'm passing through, or what grave doubts are filling my mind, whenever I open the Upper Room to the day's devotion, I get the feeling that it was written keeping me in mind - it's always a just-for-me kind of feeling.

One devotion that I wanted to share is the one on Gifts - we tend to associate Christmas with gifts - (I remember as children, how my brother and I would see the gifts gathering under our tree. Living in a campus, there was lots of sharing of gifts, and we used to love the gift-opening time on the 24th, as the family gathered near the fireplace. Carols and goodies, loving warmth and laughter...Later, my DD and I would share a similar ceremony at my mother's home).

There are certain traditions, so filled with memories - a wreath on the door, a Christmas tree, and the Nativity scene, that just have to be done... . From the devotion, I learned that these are also gifts. But these are gifts of a different kind. According to the devotion - 'Gifts come in various forms: not only in decorated packages sheltered beneath the lights of the Christmas tree, but also in supportive words and deeds. Gifts are symbols of the giver's love and may bring joy and wonder to the receiver.' Gifts of words and deeds can be given to ourselves, to loved ones, or to anyone we meet. Doing up our home is a gift we give ourselves, our family - it is a symbol of love that we have for each other; it is a reaffirmation of family and home. Words and deeds we offer others are symbols of our caring and can be a source of comfort and good cheer for the receiver.

The first gift came to us from God Himself in the form of the baby Jesus...That gift was the symbol of His love...

Another definition of friendship...

A love-filled unjudgmental insight into the mind of a friend...

Time to remember...

Love came down at Christmas,

Love all lovely, love Divine,

Love was born at Christmas

Love shall be our token,

Love be yours and love be mine,

Love to God and all men

The contradiction of the season...

"'Tis the season to be jolly!" is the main theme of this festive season, and the weather contributes to this. There's something very nice about it being cold; walking through swirls of mist; curling your hands around a mug of hot cocoa or coffee or ginger tea; watching 'christmas' lights; listening to carols in all languages as people of different countries celebrate the birth of Christ; snuggling into woollies; curling up with a hot-water bottle; smelling the special smells of winter and festivity...

"What can I give Him, poor as I am". Because, this is also the time when a great sadness permeates the heart; being far away from loved ones; loss of one more place at the family table, seeing those who are cold and shivering and too poor to do anything about it; the thought that another year is almost over; not being able to do the things one wants to do for whatever reason; the pain of remembering happy times gone by; the specter of the past...

Good friends...

are like good wine - matured over the years, they are potent, and life-restoring...

A measure of Christmas cheer...

A slice of time...

Back after what can only be described as a time of rejuvenation, unadulterated happiness, healing, camaraderie, re-discovery of self, non-pretense, sheer joy.

It was also a time to let go and get back to the essence...

It was a reunion of 3 out of 4 best pals from college, 40 years after we last saw each other...

Had we changed? of course we had - but only in the peripheries.......the core was still intact....it had got silted over and crowded out, muddied and battered, but it was there and we were amazed that it was so.

One must never ever have expectations...

is one of the many life has taught me - and how!! till I got it...

How I fought with my Dad when he used to say this to me because time and time again he would see how my expectations played havoc with me! but would I listen? No - I thought, like all young people, that the older generation was hell-bent on not letting us get the maximum out of life.

Fact, though, is that what they said was true---not having expectations is what helps us to make sense out of life and living, as well as helps us to make the most out of life and living...

So for all those who have expectations, the wise thing would be to chuck them all out...and take life and living on  an as-is, wherever-is, whatever-is, however-is, as-it-comes basis!

How fragile...

is our sense of self-esteem and therefore our self-confidence...

When I read about women my age, who are confident in and about what they do, I either just go on reading and re-re-re-re reading about them or go on and on and on looking at their photographs and just marvel and wonder and wish and long for that kind of confidence.

Wonder if others feel this way too...

Could it be that I've been pinning my sense of self-esteem on the reactions of those around me - those I know and love and those I pass on my journey?

The huge point in my favor is that my DD is my instant pick-my-heart-up, and cheerleader - (something among many others that I am grateful for)

I guess that is reason enough for me - and maybe about time too - to start pulling up my self-confidence from where it usually resides (which is under my feet), and pushing it to my heart and mind...

Next time...

try to hear the hidden notes in the voice of the person talking to you...there might be pain, or loneliness, or tiredness, or just the need for you to look into the heart...and decipher what is actually being said, meant...

How...

can I describe what is going on in my heart - have just had a heart-to-heart with one of my three best friends? We were college-mates, 39 years and 6 months ago...and it was that time of life when our opinions on life, living, and the world in general, were born and shaped...sitting on our khats, munching peanuts or something from the Corner Shop,  in Ranjana's, or at King of Chaat, or in the dining room, or walking down Hazratganj, or on our walks around the campus, or on the dining room steps, or the steps in front of our rooms, or by the pool in the mango grove, or lounging in Miss Anand's room in the Teacher's Kothi...

The first few words..................and the years melted away - we were back in our rooms in Naunihal, Isabella Thoburn College, Lucknow....

The love is still there - as strong, as beautiful, and as comforting...

Picking up my knitting...

after close on 30 years, I found that it only took a little while, and a few mistakes to get back my rhythm. The only thing that foxed me was the ball of wool. I remember Mom making us hold our arms out and sling the long loosely wound coils of wool on our arms while she rolled them into a tight ball. Since I couldn't do that, I decided to start knitting anyway...and of course, got all entangled...not once but quite a few times. So, a couple of times, I snipped the wool, undid the knot, and joined in the ends; sometimes I had to unravel a few lines of what I'd done, and re-knit; and on a couple of occasions, I had to undo the whole and start all over again. right from casting on....

Till...

I realized that I needn't go through this unhappy, tedious process at all - all I had to do was to loosen the tangled part by gently pulling the wool in different directions, so that there was enough place for the wool to move. Resume knitting, and as I got close to the messy part, again loosen the wool and leave enough place all around. To my happiness, I saw that gradually the wool got untangled and straightened out on its own.... .This was important, as I am knitting a prayer shawl, and I'm supposed to be praying and filling the shawl with warm comforting energy (and not fractured unhappy energy)...

Learnt a lesson - when knots happen in our daily lives - as they often do and as they must - best is to leave them alone and carry on the daily round. The more we stress on them, spend time on solving them, start all over hoping to find what went wrong, the more knotted we get, and worse, the more distressed we feel. Looking at the tangle, loosening the strands, not stressing on it or even thinking about it, leaving it alone, and carrying on, seems to be the best way...the strands straighten out on their own...and fill our day with every moment full of comfort and warmth and breathed prayers...

Try it....it worked for me...

Labeling...

or speaking of people as losers according to conventional norms/ideas/yardsticks is something we all come across - we may even label or speak of ourselves as losers, using these conventional norms/ideas/yardsticks.

Agreed, a person's life may not go the way it 'is supposed to' go. We could put the reasons down to life's dealing  us a bad set of cards, DNA aberrations, karma - there are a thousand ways of trying to pin our 'losing/losing out' onto circumstances and causes both outside of ourselves or inside of ourselves.

Either way, the person who is at this 'losing' end, ends up feeling like something worse that the worst kind of pond scum...

But, after going through the period of trashing ourselves, and blaming our loser-ness on everyone and everything and ourselves, what we need to do is to straighten our spine and really look at all these loser-things that have happened - believe me, it's not easy - (you run away and come back and run away and come back again - there is something quite magnetic about this)... but finally, looking at all of these, we realize that through some we've learnt some really life-saving lessons for the future, some have made course correction necessary, some may actually have been  happy processes (which unfortunately didn't give us the results which conventionally we should have got), some may have been good experiences to go through (but ended up sour), some may have been sifting experiences (removing the husk from the grain - something which is extremely difficult because we've been believing that the husk is the grain).

And...maybe...maybe...just looking at these and adding them up, we'll see that the total leans to the positive...and maybe just maybe, while we think we have not got what we should have got, in the final tally, we've actually got something better...

Raise a toast to me...

My eBook is out....

For anyone who may care to share my thoughts, and experiences, and find in it something of help on life's journey, you're welcome to go to:


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Dedicating today...

to all those who are victims of someone else's emotional roller coaster ride...

Bite your tongue, ball your fists, grip your heart,

and stay happy...

                                                          

and

 DO NOT CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DEEP IN YOUR BEING...

Here's something uplifting and reassuring and reviving and comforting:

"By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before."  - Edwin Elliot                                                                    

                                                                     

India...

is not ready for young politicians...is my feeling...

Reason? look at the circus - inflation, scams, 4G, opening up of the FDI, 860 million mobile phone users (which includes the rural teledensity), 80% of the population being poor, illiteracy, growing ITESs, airlines serving 3% of the population and their irregularities making headlines, F1, and  Rs 32/- being considered being enough for a person to live, corporates and maoists, and on and on and on...

Plus - a 5000-year-old civilization, plus Moghul rule, plus British rule...

It is only our seasoned-and-wily-with-age-and-patient-as-Job politicians who can handle and juggle all of this...really and truly.....

India also needs all these various parties...

Reason? they act as checks and balances for every decision the Government takes or does not take, and for every word that everyone else utter or does not utter, and for every action that is taken either in good faith or bad...

The young have neither the time nor the taste for this...but this is what we have and this is what we are all about and somehow we all have to muddle along...

Somehow...

we must remember that the best thing that the young can do for the old is to allow them the space and dignity to be old...

This came to me when I had gone to the hospital. There was this very old lady who was sitting with her daughter and granddaughter. There was something about her and I could not help looking at her (staring in fact) - it was obvious that at one time she must have been very good looking. Her face told its own story, and the lines on her peaceful face spoke of character born out of years of toil and sacrifice. It was when she got up that I saw she was bent with age. Even so, very consciously she fixed her sari and then with effort started walking towards the toilet. Her daughter and granddaughter quietly watched her. I wondered what thoughts were passing through that old mother's mind, and what thoughts must have been racing through her daughter's...

She walked slowly and with obvious difficulty, and when someone stepped forward to help her, she politely refused...

And that is when it struck me hard that the greatest favor we can do our old is to let them know that we hold them in the same regard, respect, and love as we did when they were young. We have to allow them to feel as dignified as they must have felt when they were younger. We must never, ever, ever do anything to let them feel diminished in any way... . And if we must help them, then we need to be conscious that our help is not in any way lessening the image they have, deep inside, of themselves...

Talking about behavior...

In an article by Malvika Singh, 'Tn Royal Company,' she's talked about the behavior of the Bhutanese people and compared it with the Indian behavior at a similar function - a wedding... . The occasion was the wedding of the King of Bhutan

(I've removed certain sections, since what I wanted to highlight was behavior)

She says:

'No one behaved in a ham-handed manner; no guest felt that there was differentiation based on status; every invitee was treated like a VIP. All this was in sharp contrast to how guests are treated in India at similar celebrations that cease to be celebratory because of the dreadful segregation that we have mastered. Indian leaders need a crash course to learn how to conduct themselves with dignity. Grace and honourable behaviour patterns have disappeared from the rule-book. There is no one to look up to, no single individual to emulate or to get strength from. There are no heroes, no role models, except for superficial characters in Bollywood movies. Those who are privileged are busy exploiting the system for personal gain, and those who are aspiring to better their positions are attaching themselves like parasites to that particular lot. Crude and vulgar, ostentatious and clumsy, they have set the most demeaning standards. They have much to learn from their neighbor.'

This issue of 'behavior' is what always keeps raising its head... . It really seems that we are forgetting that there is such a thing as manners, let alone good manners... . And the thing is that there is so much beauty and grace and elegance in good manners.

I've heard people ask those who show basic good manners why they are behaving with so much 'formality.' Have we forgotten that tehzeeb (respect) and takalluf (etiquette) are part of our culture? Are we passing over and dispensing with the whole concept of refinement? Are we mistakenly equating the strength of gentleness with weakness?

Formality is dictated by the norms laid down by society whether in manners, or dress, or kind of food, or behavior on different occasions... . There is nothing wrong in that  - there is a kind of behavior and style for every situation. There is also a certain kind of behavior and style commensurate with every position we hold in our lives as well as the stage of life we are at. What is so wrong about that?

Informality, which is much touted today as being the 'done' way, or the preferred way, is just another excuse for vulgar and licentious behavior, and certainly another way of reducing everything to the banal.

Formality or informality, there has to be an underlying shade of respect... . For it is in whether we respect others or not, that we show how much respect we have for ourselves...

My 300th post...

Landmark...milestone...on my life road...

Looking back, there were a lot of lemons,

some I managed to add tequila and salt to by myself...

many times my DD fixed the shot for me...

Some lemons scarred with their acidity...

Some tried to spread the rottenness that had set into them, by osmosis...

Some were dry and hit hard...

Some were deceptively juicy...

Some I just threw away...

But the shots with tequila and salt................................

Cheers to all those times!!!

In their essence...

to my mind, Sufi music and Flamenco music are very similar - they go straight into the heart, find their way into every corner and every deep crevice and from there draw out the very heart's blood, and along with it all the fear, anger, hurt, questioning, grief, happiness, feelings of unfairness, doubt, joy,aloneness, sorrow, dark thoughts, black clouds, rainbows....and force you to look at them, and then let them go in the sheer movement of dance...

Do...

you get that gut-wrenching feeling when the kaleidoscope of colors suddenly dances into blackness??

...as if there is no next moment....

and you hold your breath and wonder if the little shards of colored light will ever come back...

then, slowly, once again the colors fox-trot back, or maybe even Charleston back...

The difference between...

Work and drudge -

Both are essentially work, but after a lot of reading and thinking, I feel that work has an element of fun in it - when you can see the fun in what you are doing, which would translate into enjoyment in what you are doing, that would be work - not saying that there won't be moments of darkness or doubt, those are in-built into everything, but the overriding feeling is one of pleasure and relish...

Drudge on the other hand, has zero fun or even zero capacity for fun, and HUGE amounts of darkness. Drudge might be paying your rent, or upkeep, or maybe something necessary (like routine housework every day all year round). The good thing is that the fall-out of drudge could be made into fun...

(Of course, what might be drudge for someone, may well be work for someone else...and vice versa!!)

And so, happy working or happy looking-for-work-in-drudge...

The non-periods of doing anything are colored by whether what you are doing is work, or drudge - work would, therefore, color periods of non-doing in happy, relaxed, stimulating, peaceful, bright colors, and drudge would color these non-doing periods in shades of grey to black.

So, check the color meter....

It's taken me so long...

to understand that each moment segues into the next and the next and the next...till they become seconds, minutes, hours, days and years of a life.

For some this happens seamlessly, and for some, like myself, it's often been a hard struggle - because life IS going to follow its path, and if you forcefully try to change its course, it's anyway going to come right back - only it would be returning over bruises and hurts and bleeding, pouring its healing powers as it comes back to the path laid down for it.

But at least the realization has happened - so, better late than never! Cheers!!

Talking about beliefs...

Everyone has a belief - those who say they don't believe in God or a supernatural Presence, or Entity, still do believe in something...maybe even believing that they don't believe anything...

The point is whether our belief makes us loving and compassionate, or astringent and severe...

Continuing with the idea of 'Confiscation...'

Every kind of relationship needs working on if confiscation is not to happen, (that is apart from the fact that if confisction is a reality, then one has to work on and through one's own secret space).

I believe that the greatest gift you can give a person is to let him/her be himself/herself without censure...

I also believe that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to accept and be yourself warts and all, faults and all, without pretense and without the need for acceptance by anyone, and absolutely not feel limited in any way...

Randomly thinking...

Am reading Azar Nafisi's 'Reading Lolita in Tehran'. It's a sensitively written book, and I'm loving reading it - it just draws you in and in a bit, you start feeling like one of the girls in the group. Being a woman, in India, many things struck a resonating chord. There was a particular phrase that just tore into my heart - 'the confiscation of one's individual life by another'. With that one phrase, Nafisi summed up the life of almost every woman, especially those in this part of the world. And so what happens? The sense of self is just not ready to give up on itself, and so seeks for ways and means to find some way of expression, some way of reconciliation...

And what happens is that she finally fashions her tiny universe, which is probably as big as the tiny space around her, or her own special corner, or, as Nafisi puts it - 'the space you create for yourself through imagination and reflection.'

Nafisi uses another phrase very evocatively - color of my dreams -

And so you use the color of your dreams to paint that little space of your own, for it is that space which gives you 'the courage to live,' and take on the world with peace and serenity...

I thought...

sunsets in the hills were dramatic....

till I saw the sky at 3 in the morning...

The night sky and the hills looked to be cut from the same cloth - black with sequins - stars in the sky-part, and the odd light twinkling in the hamlets that dot the mountain side...

and gradually, ever so gradually the drama of the dawn began...

Truly, what is man that Thou art mindful of him?

And another reminder...

Let go of something every day...

A reminder...

for everyone who is feeling jaded...

force yourself to do one thing--just one single thing--to make life special. It has to be for you - just for you - and it could be at your workplace, or at home. It could also include someone dear, or maybe even stretch to someone else...

As Po the Kung Fu Panda learnt:

To make something special, you just have to believe it's special...

Thinking about dreams...

while I'm not too keen about the interpretation of dreams, and am not heavily into reading of signs, my brother had told me a while ago that sometimes dreams, just before we wake up, are telling us something.

Having had one such experience, I do believe that there is an element of truth in this - at least one can become aware of some potential situation, and take the steps necessary to deal with the situation - cope/counter/do whatever is needed, so that the situation can be turned around...

Was wondering...

how many of us, during a conversation, ask the other person his/her:

• thoughts
• views on what is being talked about
• opinions
• maybe similar experiences
• maybe similar incidents

how many of us can be just plain appreciative without justifying, or explaining, or rationalizing, or reasoning?

how many of us draw out another person to tell us about:

• themselves
• their growing up years in school and college
• what is happening in their work areas
• their friends. acquaintances, and people they know
• their particular interests
• their likes and dislikes

how many of us really enjoy a joke with another person?

how many of us can laugh with another person:

• at ourselves
• with them about them
• about some vague thing that might have read about or experienced
• just for fun

how many of us find joy, enjoyment, and happiness in just sharing with another person?

how many of us can have pleasure in the moment without dooming and glooming?

how many of us can just be with another person without trying to advice/pontificate/tell/?

how many of us allow ourselves to be sounding boards for those for whom we are sounding boards?

how many of us give the same importance to others and what happens to them as we do to ourselves and what happens to us?

how many of us can wholeheartedly accept another's feelings, thoughts, beliefs, even though we may not agree with them, or have different points of view, only because we have a feeling of kinship with that person?

how many of us make demands of time, understanding, sympathy, empathy, and all kinds of things, without being ready to reciprocate?

how many of us so boast and go on about our achievements/wisdom/knowledge, or whatever and fail to see the hurt/longing/small-but-major-for-them achievements of others?

how many of us can just share an appreciation just for the sake of sharing the appreciation?

how many of us can cry with another, without offering any solace, except the joint grief of tears?

Sharing...

some pictures of the dawn breaking over the mountains...

Would it be time to...

• take stock
• do an inside check 
• re-focus
• get back to nature
• do a re-assessment of attitude
• do a re-alignment of body-heart-soul
• spring clean the inside, remove the cobwebs, discard what doesn't fit
• do a stain removal and mop up

What might be the indications a laundering is needed? - when you start feeling distinctly not at peace with your work life...whether work out of home, or work at home...or when you stop feeling comfortable with yourself (warts and all)...

Lesson 5...

 Consider the gentleness of the  mountain people...

they know that they are safe, living in the shadow of the mighty mountains, and the monastery They don't need to scramble, or be aggressive, or fight for their place in the sun.                                


                     There's a prayer that I'd like to share here:

Teach me the faith of the mountains

          Serene and sublime,

The deep-rooted joy of just living 

          One day at a time,

Leaving the petty-possessions

         The valley-folk buy,

For the glory of windswept spaces

         Where earth meets the sky.

Teach me the faith of the mountains

          Their strength to endure,

The breadth and the depth of their vision

           Unswerving and sure,

Counting the dawn and the starlight

           As parts o fone whole

Wrought by the Spirit Eternal,

        Within His control. 

                  ---Anon

  

For a long time...

many, many years, I allowed myself to be buffeted by every wind that blew...responded to every voice I heard...reacted to every situation I found myself in...

It's only now - after all these zillion years, that I've realized that my only truth is what lies inside of me...

Loved this...

How people treat you is their karma

How you react is yours

       - Wayne Dyer

Digressing again...

with a story I read recently -

'About halfway through a rehearsal conducted by Sir Michael Costa, with trumpets blaring, drums rolling, and violins singing their rich melody, th piccolo player muttered to himself, " What good am I doing? I might as well not be playing. Nobody can hear me anyway.' So he kept the instrument to his lips; but he made no sound. Within moments, the conductor cried, 'Stop! Stop! Where's the piccolo?' The most important person missed the picclolo's seemingly unimportant contribution.

There are many, many times when we decide to be silent piccolos, feeling insignificant and useless, and our weak moments may drive us to think very poorly of ourselves. But, as the story goes on to say, ' ....the grand performance is not complete until we do the best with what we have...'. And so all of us with our piccolos of growing old fears, insecurities, health problems, work problems, physical-psychological-emotional problems have a place in the Grand Score....we just need to love being part of the music...

Digressing from the mountains...

to thoughts on sharing our fears....

I do believe that one can only share one's fears with those in whom there is total and absolute trust....

Experience has shown me time and again, that a mistake here can be very costly emotionally, and psychologically, not to mention the adverse impact it can have on your life...

So why do we need to share our fears at all - simply because it sometimes becomes too much for the lone heart to bear...

Looking at this from the other side - trusting another person with this deepest of deep feelings, in a way empowers the person you trust - empowers him/her to know how valued he/she is, and what a source of comfort...gives the person more confidence in himself/herself too - that he/she was worthy of trust.

What the person you trust does with that piece of your heart depends on that person entirely....the trust can deepen or be betrayed.....

Another way of looking at sharing our fears is to tell the person you trust that thanks to you, I came out of it..and I'm here for when you need someone to lean on...

And still another way of looking at this is to show that with help any fear can be overcome

At the end of the day we have to find our own solutions....having a trusting hand to hold, helps....

Lesson 4...studying...

the photographs....

                                                 

it came to me that no matter what the color of the clouds that swirl around the mountains, the mountains never change...white, black, dark grey clouds - they all move, and drift away -  the mountains remain pristine
 It's the same with us - Deep inside us are the mountains of truth, beauty, and goodness. White clouds of happiness, dark clouds of doubt, fear, unhappiness, grief, drift around - but as the beautiful white mountains remain the same, steady and unchanging, our core too remains unchanging...

We need to always carry the image of the mountains with us. When any dark thing assails us, all we need to do is to conjure up the image of the mountains and wait....

            the peace and strength will surely flow in....

(I guess that's why every wise person tells us to always hark to the inner voice - it will come if we are still enough)

Lesson 3...

I'm not a ritualistically religious person, but the only lines that came into my mind when I saw the mountains were these:

I will lift up mine eyes to the hills.
                                           Psalm 121

 Oh Lord
how majestic is Thy name in all the earth                  




When I look at your heavens,
  the work of your fingers








What is man that You are mindful of him,






Or the son of man that you care for him?
                                       Psalm 8

Digressing from the mountains...

to something I learnt today from an old student of mine...he was Phantom in our version of The Phantom of the Opera...a lovely child with a pure voice...today he was reminiscing about our practice sessions - me a novice, hiding my diffidence and fear behind a stern taskmaster-ish front, trying to make sense of an assignment which I had no experience of, but which a demanding Head wanted - or else - and here this boy, my Phantom, goes - 'Looking back on those days always brings me back to a sense of contentment' - the years vanish, and I can hear him sing 'Music of the Night' with all the passion of a teenager...and interpret it in his own unique way -

and I think - after all these years - that if those hard days could have created good memories in my kids, then it was all worth it....

Those assignments also taught me that when there was no way out, the best thing was to just get started - do one thing and then another, and then another.....and slowly, the windows and doors just open..... . (When the final performance was ready, I could hardly believe the way it all began!!!)

So, after all, the demanding Head did have a place in my life - the assignment  taught me to take an unknown task, a challenge, hard conditions, and turn something beautiful out of it -  besides the fact, of course, that I too learnt so much - from the kids and from the whole task of putting up a musical...an affirmation for me of me, and memories for my students...

Really - it is true - no experience goes to waste - it does surface somewhere, in some form, to complete a hitherto jagged facade in the heart...and no matter how long it takes, but hardships do return as sweet-smelling bouquets...and something good does come out of everything - bad and sad, good and happy....

Lesson 2...

The mind, heart, body need to be in sync - the mind meanders, and throws up lots of miscellaneous, and sometimes disparate pictures in various colors, in different lights. These need to be screened, sifted, and ratified against the backdrop of the unchanging mountains. Only when they have been endorsed by the depths of the heart can these thought-pictures even be considered. Naturally, there will be shades of dark and light, but these will blend and balance, and create a whole effect. And then, finally, the body needs to act....not to disrupt, but to complement and complete the picture.

And there is perfect sync--perfect peace....

Lesson drawn from the mountains....

This too will pass, as all things must - good and bad
And the ending will be the sweeter for it....

Back...

from a wonderful holiday in Pemayangtse, Pelling, Sikkim. Over the next few days, I'll try and capture the essence of the intensely spiritual experience of living in the shadow of the Kanchenjunga...

Ever tried...

listening to the songs that totally had your mind and heart during your college days? those days when everything was drawn in the sharpest and brightest of colors, and songs would express the deep passions of your heart?

If you try this, 30, 40 years down the line, they give you an instant spirit-lift...that is what happened to me when I suddenly thought of some songs, and downloaded them (bless the Net)...I couldn't stop giggling, and it was the most delicious, spine-tingling feeling that swept through me....(I can just see my DD's face as she goes - oh Maaaaaaaaaaaaa!!)........some of the faves I remembered and tracked were: Jawaani aayi mast, mast; Ajeeb dastaan hai yeh; Dream, dream, dream; Pearly Shells; Are you lonesome tonight......Lord!! I think only this sums it up:

Dil dhoondtha hai, phir wohi, phursat ke raat, din.....

So, where are we headed?

It is at times like this, when the heroes (and that clearly included the ladies) of our youth pass on that we need to review where we are going...

Democracy means treating all people with respect, regardless of any difference, the common denominator being that we are all human, that we all have the potential to rise above ourselves. While it does not mean elitism, it means the recognizing of the elite - as opposed to feudal, and certainly as opposed to elitism by right - as well as the belief that everyone can rise to become elite....It does not mean a pedestrianization of culture, or a giving in to the lower side, or the base side of human-ness...it is to realize that we are not Bollywood item numbers in creation, but have it in us to create something higher, and something aesthetic in every part and areas of our lives and the way we live...

And talking about Pataudi...

that's one more icon gone...

There are some people who impact on us - for me it is Gayatri Devi, Pataudi, Jackie Kennedy, among some other, who have gone...I use 'is' because I still hold them as models in my mind...models of all that is gracious and elegant, fearless and very courageous, stylish but not vulgar, eminently cultured and yet discreet, and never coarse or crude, different and yet down-to-earth. Some notes in their personalities have struck a resonance - and this has nothing to do with any tangible reason...it is something completely intangible, something that I feel....kind of sympathetic notes?...but there...

I guess now their legacies will sustain those who are seeking for a blueprint to living...

Sharing some thoughts:

First class is not a boarding pass, it's a way of life...

and, a great favorite of mine - Excerpts from a poem by William Channing:

To live content with small means,

To seek elegance rather than luxury, 

and refinement rather than fashion. 

To be worthy, not respectable, 

and wealthy, not rich.

To study hard, think quietly, 

Talk gently, act frankly. 

To bear all cheerfully, 

do all bravely, 

await occasions, 

hurry never. 

                     
Which brings to mind what Pataudi said in an interview. To Karan Thapar's statement that his friends thought that Tiger Pataudi could have achieved more had he been a little less laid back, Pataudi's reply was brilliant. He said that he was probably prepared to accept that he was a little laid back, however - and here's the reply of a formidable cricketer - 'how much more I could have achieved by running around, I am not so sure. I am happy as I am.'


Clearly, clearly something to chew on and internalize...

It's about their personalities...

.......talking about people like Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi.....

or about Rahul Dravid, of Kumar Sangakkara, or Lionel Messi.....

or whoever one admires -

it's not so much about the game, for me....because there is precious little I know either about cricket or football....

for me it is always the person...I keep thinking about what might be going on in their minds, what kind of life do they live, what kind of people are in their lives, how are they like as people...

it's also about the way they conduct themselves on the playing field...

it's about the way they play...the beauty of the way they play...

it's about the way in they handle success and failure on the field...

it's about the way they work with their mates...

Think of...

the most delicious improbables you'd like to see come into your life....

for......you never know....

there might just be some lovely possibilities there!!

Sharing....

the ravage created by the earthquake in Sikkim...









This about sums it all up.....desolation...

Something that rankled...

was a statement I heard: Oh her life is going down the drain...

Somehow, the words troubled me no end, and kept teasing at my gut...till it came to me that in actual fact, no one's life even goes down the drain - no one can send anyone's life down the drain, and certainly we do not allow our own lives to go down the drain...we may make wrong choices in good faith and trusting, we are likely to take a whole lot of wrong decisions unknowingly, and more often than not, may make a number of mistakes, some serious and costly, and some minor. Even so, there is no need to define ourselves through another person's eyes, or damn ourselves because of anyone's judgments and pronouncements or predictions about us.

Each life is precious, and each life is certainly going somewhere, for, it's never too late to: put things in perspective, start afresh, begin anew, and discover something beautiful, hitherto unknown, within.

I do believe...

that rough journeys to a destination end up enriching your life...

Of course one can set out with a sense of adventure, or one may just find oneself, unwittingly, on harsh terrain, or one may find oneself totally ill-equipped emotionally and/or physically, on a rocky, rugged freeway.

Your life would then be counted not by the years, but by the mileage.... (to quote Indiana Jones)

A theory...

Ours is a multi-cultural society. Actually it is a multi- lot of things. One of the major questions that pops up, especially for those who belong to one state and find themselves settling in another state because of economic-marriage, or whatever-else reason, is: Where are my roots? Each state is actually a different country, so it is not unnatural for those from one state, who have settled in another, to ask themselves this question. No matter how well you may have integrated into the new place, the deep difference is always there - it may be at different levels below the surface for different people, but it is always there.

So how does one reconcile this deep difference - to my mind there is only one way - to spend time with yourself and really get to know your roots, appreciate where you come from, no matter how many flaws there are, and accept your roots. Being ashamed of your roots, will forever cause discomfort to your soul. You may get angry with it, you may reject aspects of it, but you cannot deny it, for actually, that is the only place where you will be ever accepted wholly for yourself. If, you can be comfortable about your roots, with all the internal adjustments you make for yourself, then you will never ever be a confused person especially when exposed to  cultures that are attractively different. You will learn to appreciate the very differences, maybe even accept some aspects of it, precisely because you are not confused about where you come from.

Thinking along these lines, a kind of theory popped up in my mind: If a person is comfortable in his culture, he will be accepting of others, and will never feel the pain and dissatisfaction of confusion. Such a person will be able to adapt to any environment, anywhere and in any situation and circumstance. A person who is not comfortable with his culture, is going to allow all kinds of winds to blow him all over the place with the result that there is nothing but confusion, and discontentment, leading to unhappiness and being disgruntled all the time. Of course, the ultimate would be to have roots within yourself, but even then, the faint perfume of what you are will always linger....that is something no amount of whitewashing will ever remove...

Something enticing...

Here's an utterly delicious phrase - and something to weave a dream around...

I'm going alone, to an undisclosed destination, on an undeclared day, for an unannounced length of time...

My grief...

The only words that can draw out pain are words like: Agony of my grief, anguish of my heart, burden of my pain, storm-swept barrenness of loss............this came to me when I read Howard Thurman’s meditation from ‘Meditations of the Heart.’  He puts it so beautifully - -

"I share with you the agony of  your grief,

The anguish of your heart finds echo in my own.

I know I cannot enter all you feel

Nor bear with you the burden of your pain;

I can but offer what my love does give:

The strength of caring,

The warmth of one who seeks to understand

The silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss.

This I do in quiet ways,

That on your lonely path

You may not walk alone."

When someone walks with you in this way, understanding your grieving, you know that you are in a safe harbour, and coming to terms becomes easier...

And again...

"A bereaved person, no matter what his or her age, needs safe places, safe people, and safe situations."

 - H. Norman Wright

How difficult it is to explain to someone that this is actually the only thing that helps...

Randomly asking...

Why is it that we try to fill our days with work? why must we be busy all the time being 'useful'?

Why can we not use the pauses that life puts us in, in quiet reflection, calm contemplation, and peacefulness?

Instead of measuring our days by the busy-ness of the hours, why not measure it by the not-doing-anything-just-sitting-still hours?

Talking about frames...

In all the pictures that we create in the frames of our lives, there have to be lines - these lines are terribly important, in that we must try not to cross them - lines between people (you have to recognize the validity of your life), events (the good, the bad, and the ugly), happenings (planned and unplanned, small and large), in everything....otherwise the picture will only be a blotch - the clarity and consequently the beauty of the colors, (including the black parts) will go. Remember the blacks and the blanks add to the shape. One doesn't want one's life to be a smudge...

Randomly thinking...

Just as in a marriage, each partner is a witness to the life of the other (from Shall we Dance), in our own personal life it is our parents who form the contours of our life, having seen us from the time we were born. (I guess older siblings would fall in this category too). In fact, Mom gives us the anchor from the time we are conceived... . They are also our point of reference. So, when the parents pass on, one has to be conscious of, or consciously try to re-form these contours to keep the point of reference and put our lives in context.....

'milling & thinking...

about an article I read in the Times of India - Like daughter LIKE MOTHER, and thought back to the time when I was first made aware of the fact that one has to compete with one's daughter, if one is not to be shelved.

Walking down the corridor of the school where I worked, and smiling to myself because my DD was due home that day, I was stopped by a colleague who asked me how old my DD was - at the time I'm talking about, she was in her late teens, and I very proudly told her so. To which was a response I'd never expected...this lady goes - so what are you doing about yourself? are you going for a complete makeover aat the parlour? and a whole lot of questions in the same vein. When I finally understood the drift - because for a few minutes there I was kind of stunned into stupor - I realized that this lady was trying to tell me that our growing daughters were a kind of threat to our image, that we would start looking old, that we would be passed by without a glance, if we, mothers of teenage daughters didn't make sure we looked and dressed and talked and behaved in a manner that would make us seem young. As I said, I got into a kind of stupor, and then when the whole idea started getting clear, I totally and completely rejected it. I have always been and still am ENORMOUSLY PROUD of my DD and terribly, terribly proud to be her mother...and I love being acknowledged as such by all her friends...

While fully understanding and accepting the need of some mothers to look as young as their daughters, and be mistaken for their daughters' sister, I find the idea difficult to swallow. And my question is WHY? why do we shy away from our age? why do we shy away from accepting that this young, beautiful girl is 'my daughter'? why would we want the spotlight to even fall on us, when it is clearly the daughter's time in the sun? it's enough to be in her shadow, and pat ourselves and say what a great job we've done!!

What's wrong with chic and gracious and slow and lovely as opposed to hip and happening?  - maybe we could even be chic and happening without compromising on our age?? and without being 60 going on 16?........................I wonder...................

Share...

the images or words that come to mind when you say the word - 'charm' to yourself?

Use this pointer - Age cannot wither her nor custom stale her infinite charm (have substituted the word charm for the original 'variety' - from Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra)...

Do share...it could be anything...

A reflection...

Looking back, in silence, on all that has happened in my life, one thing has become very clear -

God, (or Life, for those who don't believe in God), prepares us for every event - every single event....right actions, and even the wrong actions, good things that happen, and bad things that happen, hurts, and happinesses,  all blend together to get us ready for the next event - the next stage in our lives.

Just sit and reflect, and you'll see that everything follows a very clear pattern -

We really do not need to stress and struggle and despair - whatever we're doing is what we should be doing, and wherever we're at, is where we should be at, and what is happening, is meant to be happening. We only need to trust and surrender ourselves to the moment - even the bad-sad-unhappy ones--simply because it is happening as it should....

Realizing...

That the good Lord gives us, in abundance, what we need - and not what we ask for -

maybe its getting time to do a little more trusting and leaving it to Him, here....

Continuing my fascination...

Check out the wisdom of Mama Odie--- (an excerpt)


Don't matter what you wear,
How many rings you got on your finger
Don't matter where you come from
Don't even matter what you are





(all those who sought her) - they all knew what they wanted
What they wanted me to do
I told them what they needed
Just like I be telling you

You got to dig a little deeper
Find out who you are
You got to dig a little deeper
It ain't really that far
When you find out who you are
You'll find out what you need
Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed

All you need is some self-control
Make yourself a brand new start
Open up the windows
Let in the light

Blue skies and sunshine guaranteed!!
Could there be a better incentive??

Sharing...

something I came across, and which made a lot of sense - 

It is not the road ahead that wears you out - it is the grain of sand in your shoe.

                                                                         An Arabian Proverb

and can you just picture an unending desert to be crossed...

I love...

animated films...

they're utterly charming, contain nuggets of common-sense, and take you away into a wonderful world...

Randomly thinking about The Tree House...

 Small frames, large frames, plain frames....any kind of frame....

Look at everything that happens to you...

        Put everything that happens....

                        In a frame

And you'll see the difference it makes to you, the person. For, when you put everything into a frame, you are giving it a context. Contexts change, and so do frames................but, seeing things within a framework, make it easier to perceive, understand, handle, and accept.

We all need...

a treehouse...

Randomly thinking...

It's easier to have gentle thoughts when one is in a beautiful, calm, serene place....

easier to be tranquil...
         



          easier to be at peace...

Early morning rambling...

Am sitting at my desk waiting for my Newsletter edit page to open - its one of those days when the server is down, and my editor, teammates and I are all frantically trying to access the website. The newsletter has to come out by 10 a.m.....

Looking out of my window - my heart is getting restoring drafts of cool wind - its a GORGEOUS day outside...raining, and windy and dark...

Randomly rambling...

We do have a penchant, and clearly the ability, for trivializing? localizing? bringing-everything-down-to-the-lowest-levels-possible? everything - no matter what...

Now that the festive season is upon us, gods and goddesses are going to underscore and reiterate this...

Ganesh idols are in Anna Hazare mode, and who knows, maybe this year, Durga will be in the Mamata Bannerjee cast....

Napoleon's words come to mind:  'From the sublime to the ridiculous there is but one step.'

and for those who know French, the original, I'm sure, would convey the thought best: "Du sublime au ridicule il n'y a qu'un pas."

Thank God...

for Lionel Messi and Daniel Craig....

Their coming to India is a highpoint for all of us who are beleaguered by uncontrollable rising prices, the antics of politicians and media persons, whom you take seriously at your own risk and peril, and a crazy everyone-does-exactly-as-he-pleases country.

Thank God for Messi and Craig who bring to life and reinforce the belief that life can be exciting....and that life can be beautiful...

We can’t be Messi and Craig, but we can take some of their stardust and sprinkle it on ourselves.........

Sharing...

nuggets of wisdom from 'The Treehouse' by Naomi Wolf.

The story about a monk who lived in China - he spent his lifetime carving a stone cicada. It was a beautiful cicada. The very last thing he did was to carve a perfect ruby tongue in its mouth. Of course no one would ever see the ruby tongue. But the monk would know it was there. As a monk who was praying with his work, and as an artist, he knew that only when that unseen detail was finished would the stone cicada be complete...

Ordinary details are innately sublime; they are full of glory. When we notice the details, the glory reveals itself. But-----that does not mean we get bogged down by details.

A poem to live by:

STOP

GO BACK

YOU ARE GOING

THE WRONG WAY

Remember - There is room in the Universe for all of us and for all our efforts. No effort ever goes to waste. They all get connected...so,  Be happy doing whatever you are doing, NO MATTER WHAT COMES OF IT.  

Randomly sharing...

something I realized...   

Things happen, and you realize that you need to do a course-correction of your life. For me it was the moving away from all the roads that I've been travelling on, and surely and with no hesitation, putting my feet on the trail that is beginning to show itself. It is something I have to do.... have to allow myself to do....and it came upon me so quietly and imperceptibly. 

That's when I realized that all the reading and thinking we do, all the sorting out of the tangles in our life that we spend time and energy on, all the dealing with questions like 'is this what I'm all about, is this the real me?' that pop up at the unlikeliest of times, digging and scraping through all the layers of self-protection that we coat ourselves with, painfully pealing off coverings that we had put on for self-preservation, .....all of these lead to a heart-churning that we cannot ignore. They are kind of preparing the flower bed for the sowing......

The change, the fresh planting, as it were, though, when it does have to happen, happens without any fanfare or bugle call, or flash of lightning.....................there is no 'okay, this is it - i'm taking a new road', or ' this is the end of this phase - i'm going to change'. It's something very quiet that happens - it could be something someone dear says, it could be DD's advice, could be something read that resonates inside of you, could be something that's always been there but which you only just see - could be the rain that the wind blows across your window pane, could be that mechanically-done-everyday chore, .............................................and everything just quietly slips into place in our hearts, and we find ourselves on the road we had only hitherto dreamt of....pinpricks to revert, or go back, do happen......but from somewhere deep inside, a strength to withstand these also happens.................and a feeling of peace starts to steal in...

you know you would do well to carry on and not look back.....for that is your road...