The...

loneliest feeling - the definitive click of a door shutting, leaving you on the outside

most haunting sound - the faint strains of Lara's theme

greatest courage - to place your hand in the hand of God trusting where He leads you

thing that gives goose pimples - the pure sound of a Hammond playing The Crimmond (Ps 23)

most comforting sound - wind moving through the trees (remember Heidi?)

sound that sends your heart soaring - 'hey Mom'

most unbearable pain - to lose your child

greatest happiness - to see your child's face, dancing, watching a good film - (read love story with a happily ever after ending!)

sweetest sound - the quiet breathing of your child in sleep

thing you crave for - to be accepted and loved as you are and to have the confidence to lean on the person offering you this

happiest place to be - your own cozy, comfy, beautiful Retreat (with lots of plants in it)

antidote to everything - the peace of solitude, a hot, scented bath in a candle-lit, incense-filled bathroom

best smells - food being cooked by a happy chef, books, wet earth, woodsmoke, a eucalyptus grove, flowers, nature

only things to treasure - your child, good friends, lovely home, a place to worship

company - friends who enrich and enliven the air, where you can speak your mind, laugh, listen and participate in the talk swirling around you, fearlessly

best way to de-stress - go for a long walk

perfumes with memories attached - Chanel No 5, Miss Dior, Lily of the Valley, Lavender, Jasmine, Fleur de Fleurs by Nina Ricci

thing to remind yourself - when you see those less fortunate, think: 'There but for the Grace of God, go I'

happiest thing to do - work of any kind, especially what you do because you enjoy doing it and not necessarily what brings in money

thing to remember - if you have two pennies - buy a loaf of bread with one, and a lily with the other

best way to sleep - out in the open under the canopy of stars

(any more that can be added in....?)

There is really no need...

for us

to go around slaying dragons - better to slay our own
to fight other people's battles - better to either stay out so as not to add to the confusion or be supportive
to be Superman and save the world - saving our little corner is enough - it all adds up
to be all things to all people - being true to ourselves is enough - others will benefit
to put people down to show ourselves up - if we treat ourselves and other with the same compassion, it'll all work out right for everyone
to find fault - others have their compulsions and weaknesses and limitations just as we have
to prove ourselves to anyone - if we are what we are, that's proof enough
to peep into the future - leave that to God
to trash everyone and everything that doesn't resonate with us - there might be a lesson there for us
to wear blinkers or close our eyes - just as good things happen, bad things also happen, let's just try to be real
to wait for the good times to happen - make them happen now - any time can be good times

Never a good idea.....

to pester Life to give you what YOU want.....to beg and plead for what YOU think you need...

Better to accept peacefully what Life gives you.

For,

If you pester and badger and beg too much, Life will give you what you want but the sacrifice may just be too great for your heart to bear...

I prefer to go by what the Bible says -

Sharing from Psalm 139:

O Lord, Thou hast searched me and known me!
Thou knowest when I sit down and when I rise up; Thou discernest my thoughts from afar.
Thou searchest out my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.


Whither shall I go from Thy spirit? Or whither shall I flee from Thy presence


For Thou didst form my inward parts, Thou didst knit me together in my mother's womb
Thou knowest me right well; my frame was not hidden from Thee
When I was being made in secret, intricately wrought in the depths of the earth,
Thy eyes beheld my unformed substance; in Thy book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.



And so why not just accept and live each moment secure in the knowledge that God knows, and He will never leave us...

If...

those who claim to love you cannot do so unconditionally, totally, non-judgmentally, and non-critically, it is better to find your own haven.......you cannot leave a situation for whatever reason or compulsion or whatever.....but you can within that create and build your own refuge-sanctuary-retreat.....and believe me, it works....

In the same breath - if you love someone, then do so unconditionally, totally, non-judgmentally and non-critically....

And again in the same breath - if the person you love so, cannot reciprocate likewise, for whatever reason, build your own beautiful retreat, for it is more important to be true to yourself, than to be someone else....changing yourself to be accepted, loved, recognized......

Everyone has a place under God's good sun...

I am increasingly...

being drawn into the beauty of meditation.

It used to be a scary thing for me at first, because I thought one had to go away on a pilgrimmage, or had to perform certain rituals, or follow a religious person, or be part of a group of seekers, or get into certain meditation postures, or use a particular procedure and chant mantras to still the mind...

words like enlightenment were rather frightening as well.

Pilgrimmage--I'm not into going to religious places - I need to be with nature, and love the beauty and solitude of a forest, or garden with lots of trees...
Rituals--I'm totally against rituals. Yes, I do like some symbols, but these are eclectic - chosen because they mean something very personal...
Religious person--mine is my Savior, who lives in my heart...
Group of seekers--no - I may like to go with an undemanding, all-accepting friend, maybe, but would prefer to go it alone...
Posture--I'm no good at sitting cross-legged, or any other prescribed meditating posture...
Procedure and mantras--I found I could not use any of the ones I read about...

So, have found my own meditation technique to still my mind....and believe me, it is so wonderful!! joyously wonderful!!! truly, realistically, and unpretentiously wonderful!!!

Best part is that it is saving me from so much hurt, pain, fear, and doubtfulness.....and even better, am finding that I don't have to pretend to anyone at all, or ever......and there is no fear of rejection, or isolation, or aloneness....

And all the sham just falls away, and you realize that all you need is inside of you...

Of late...

I find myself being drawn to travel books - especially the ones where the author has a personal experience. Somehow it brings the culture of the place into focus along with all the 'places to see' and 'things to do'.

Have just finished reading 'Last Seen In Lhasa' by Claire Scobi. Interwoven in her travels in Tibet, is the search for herself, and her extraordinary friendship with a nun. Her description of the places she journeys through makes you see them - you feel you are there with her and her group, and the people she meets and talks about especially Ani, the nun, come alive and you see them within the framework of their country - so, good, bad, beautiful, ugly - it's a whole experience.....

It's not easy...

to make or take any decision...

For, every decision has so many threads attaching it to various people; some may be long, some may be short, some may be thick, and some may be thin, some may be visible, but some may be invisible. The thing is we're all connected in some way or another, and so a decision has the power to send its ripples across the ether...and that's why it's so important not to be casual about a decision...somewhere, someone is going to be affected in some way or other.....

So, decide gently, for you never know whose dreams or whose life or whose space you may be trampling on...leave one tiny little opening, so that you can resolve/change/modify/or even withdraw your decision if need be.

A comforting thought...

Even in the depths of my distress, my God is with me - walking with me, supporting me and even carrying me at times, and holding my hand, and I know He will guide me till we find our way out...

What a strange feeling it is...

when you bump into someone you knew from another age, another time of life...and what if that person had sought to harm you, and almost destroy your career?

How does one react? and it's worse if it is the person's child, whom you had taught and who is now grown, is the one who affectionately comes up and greets you? She does not know what her parents did, and so excitedly asks you to speak to them, for she knows you as colleagues of her parents.....and you know you just cannot bring yourself to speak to them just then....you need time to make the adjustments in your head and heart, you need to find a suitable response without hurting the young person in front of you when images of her as a child keep dancing in front of you and superimposing themselves on her face... .You know it's foolish to allow the grudges and hurts to surface because the mind with great alacrity pulls them out of the depths of your heart and holds them up; it allows all the associated feelings to flood in; it creates a veritable cacophony in the mind and head.....and you feel torn between letting bygones be bygones, especially since more than 20 years have gone by, and the nagging fear of what if.....

What is life trying to whisper into my ear?

The best thing ever...

My DD's coming home tomorrow for the weekend!!!!! What joy.....it's amazing how just the thought of her coming home changes the whole atmosphere...... Ekdum khushi aur jashn ka maahaul ban gaya!

Happy Mother's Day too...

to all of us mothers, who can look with pride at our children, and know that we've done a good job!!!

Being a mother isn't easy, and I don't think there's any mother who isn't fraught with doubts, fears, concerns, worries, but it's all made worthwhile when our kids yell the word Mom with all its variations, depending on their moods, circumstances, and where they're at....

My whole world condenses into my DD and when I look at her, and feel her life in my heart, and know every thought that flits through her head, and every feeling she goes through, my heart is so full, it almost bursts.......and I'm so proud, so very proud that I'm her Mom - to her - exasperating, bugging, over-protective, loving-to-distraction, need-to-know, bp-raising, madly possessive, hugely-proud-of-everything-she-does MOM.

and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way..........................

Happy Mother's Day Mummy...

I hope you are at peace, Mummy, knowing how much your children love you and miss you......

Memories come back of the many Mother's Days when we had you with us. The cards we made for you, the special meals we planned for you, and the flowers - always the flowers......so many gestures to tell you how much we loved you.....never thought a day would come when you wouldn't be here.....it just seemed that you would always be around for us...to love and be loved, fight with, to argue with, to get an occasional whack, to be cared for,and for the thousand things that you meant.......for the goodies you baked, the songs we harmonized, the gifts of music and reading that you dinned into Philip and me, and for all those little Mummy touches that now come back to haunt.....

Be happy Mummy, wherever you are, for we love you dearly.....

And this is our tribute to you on this special day, though in truth, every day is Mother's Day.

Something to fall back on...

'Don't listen to the clamor that goes on in your mind. Wait for the small, quiet voice.'

I read this in one of my morning meditations, and I felt it is something that I need to keep reminding myself.

So often something happens, and the clamor in the mind is truly loud. Opinions, suggestions, directives....all equally strong, pound the mind, and each one sounds so right, probably because they are so loud. And the louder they get the more sure they seem, and come across as the only way forward, the only way to act/think/be... .

And.......... invariably these end in some form of grief/disappointment/unhappiness/misunderstanding/strife.....

This is something we all battle with many times every day.

When I'm in the 'aware' frame of mind, I just wait till the noise dies down - don't do anything and go about my routine work. But if it catches me unawares..................I promptly fall into the trap....

So, something I'm working towards, and working really hard on, is to still myself, hold myself down quietly, and let the clamor die down, and then wait for the quiet little word, the whisper. Thing is, till now the whisper has never failed me - so I ask myself, then what's the hurry to act/speak/do....?

One day it WILL happen..........

Random thoughts...

Never go by what you see or hear - go by what you feel and sense...

A soft voice is louder than the loudest sound...

and,

Pure logic is the ruin of the spirit. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The biggest human temptation is to settle for less - Thomas Merton (and it's a temptation we resist in our greed? desire? search for more/bigger/better...)

The tears...

neither fall from my full eyes...

nor do they stop...

There is a lovely word.....

in Hindustani - soonapan - it signifies the haunting loneliness of one's heart...
a pain which can be softened only by an all-accepting, all-embracing, non-stifling, totally respectful love...

Needed to affirm...

and reaffirm.....

and reassure and re-reaffirm those who are in jobs they are questioning......

that it is true - the more you stick with something, no matter how difficult and unreasonable the task may be at times, or how many cul-de-sacs there are and you have to reverse to get out of it and try another route, or how  steeply uphill it is for long stretches, or how many mental gymnastics you have to do to keep on top of it........

stick with it, and the rewards do come in......
('twas proved again to me this morning!)

I read this...

in my book of meditations - Streams in the Desert.


A little seed lay on the ground
And soon began to sprout.
"Now which of all the flowers around,"
It mused, "Shall I come out?"

The little seed said to itself: "I don't want to be a lily, for lilies are so cold and lofty. I don't want to be a rose, for the rose is loud in color, it dies quickly, its edges wilt and it isn't very practical. I don't want to be a violet, for the violet is too small, too dark, and grows too close to the ground." Thus, the little seed was critical of everything around it. It found fault with all its neighbours. It didn't like the color of some, the perfume of others, the size and shape of others. It had nothing constructive to offer, even in its own behalf.

And so it criticized each flower
This supercilious seed,
Until it woke one summer hour
And found itself a weed!

We really don't need to be like anyone else......there is a place for each one under God's sun, and all we have to do is to love ourselves, love where we are, do what we can to the very best of our abilities in the place that He has placed us, and above all, love the God who created us for His purpose....

And so, there are weeds, and weeds, and weeds....and,
I may be a weed, but I am God's weed......

And this is only for those...

over 50, or 60, or 70, or 80......

what is your dream when finally, finally your responsibilities and commitments are over?

Mine is to live in a forest in the hills, or become a beach bum......

Dream of this time, for this the dream of life........and the stuff of life.....