a very powerful statement by James Baldwin:
This collision between one’s image of oneself and what one actually is is always very painful and there are two things you can do about it, you can meet the collision head-on and try and become what you really are or you can retreat and try to remain what you thought you were, which is a fantasy, in which you will certainly perish.
I can say with total certainty that this is true - the image one has of oneself is quite, quite different from what one is.
I am in the middle of this collision right now. The image of who I am has been shaped by my parents, Leonard - my home for 23 years, my teachers and all those I came in contact with....those who love/loved me moulded me to their way of thinking and 'this is how you should be' and those who dislike/disliked me trashed everything I was and believed I was standing for...However, since your view of yourself is dominated by how your parents treated you, that becomes your take-off point till you realize that once away from parental influence and out in the world, many of those things don't work for you, simply because you are not a lot of the things you've grown up believing you were. Often, when you react naturally, at this point of your life, you get pulled up short by your mind reprimanding you or cautioning you that 'this is not what is expected of you'. And this can be disconcerting because now, then, you have to question all the ideas of yourself that you have grown up believing yourself to be.
Daily life is showing me who I am - in my reactions, the way I look at things, the way I think and the choices I want to make. And there is a clash at every point. A clash that I have to resolve....that only I can resolve...and that I want to resolve...I don't want to remain who I thought I was...Yet, a task as difficult as this needs one person who is your North Star - for me it is my DD - an eternal reassurance.
Difficult as this is, I believe that this has to be done. It means a total readjustment, realignment, cleaning out, refreshing and....being....