Randomly sharing...

something I realized...   

Things happen, and you realize that you need to do a course-correction of your life. For me it was the moving away from all the roads that I've been travelling on, and surely and with no hesitation, putting my feet on the trail that is beginning to show itself. It is something I have to do.... have to allow myself to do....and it came upon me so quietly and imperceptibly. 

That's when I realized that all the reading and thinking we do, all the sorting out of the tangles in our life that we spend time and energy on, all the dealing with questions like 'is this what I'm all about, is this the real me?' that pop up at the unlikeliest of times, digging and scraping through all the layers of self-protection that we coat ourselves with, painfully pealing off coverings that we had put on for self-preservation, .....all of these lead to a heart-churning that we cannot ignore. They are kind of preparing the flower bed for the sowing......

The change, the fresh planting, as it were, though, when it does have to happen, happens without any fanfare or bugle call, or flash of lightning.....................there is no 'okay, this is it - i'm taking a new road', or ' this is the end of this phase - i'm going to change'. It's something very quiet that happens - it could be something someone dear says, it could be DD's advice, could be something read that resonates inside of you, could be something that's always been there but which you only just see - could be the rain that the wind blows across your window pane, could be that mechanically-done-everyday chore, .............................................and everything just quietly slips into place in our hearts, and we find ourselves on the road we had only hitherto dreamt of....pinpricks to revert, or go back, do happen......but from somewhere deep inside, a strength to withstand these also happens.................and a feeling of peace starts to steal in...

you know you would do well to carry on and not look back.....for that is your road...

Randomly thinking...

There is no new wisdom in the world - but when someone's wise words find resonance deep in your heart, and your heart strings fill your being with a beautiful tune, you know you have discovered a truth that is entirely your very own - and that wisdom colored with your experiences and the shades of your life, become yours to use and share...

My special day....

And I want to always remember that if I look, I'm sure to find flamingos in my backyard!!!

Tale of Two Cities...

No matter how many times I read the book, or watch the film, every time it feels like the first time. The power of it never diminishes and each character pulls at my heartstrings as powerfully as the first time... . To my mind, this is the greatest insight into human nature ever recorded....

The times—all times---are summed up as:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we 

were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way –

And the noblest of human feelings in the most dissolute of men at the time of his ultimate sacrifice, by the lines:

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.

Charles Dickens truly wrote for eternity because times and human nature is the same today as it was in his time, and as it will ever be till the end of time... 

Some details:

Illustrator - Hablot Knight Browne

Cover artist - Hablot Knight Browne

The story was serialized weekly from April 1859 to November 1859

The genre is put down as Novel - Historical - Social criticism

Cover of the serial

Randomly thinking...

Life cannot be always lived in the light streaming in from a beautiful stained glass window...
Some ordinary days, and ordinary activities, and ordinary occasions get illuminated, sometimes.... but most are done in the shadow of un-illuminated, but ever-present stained glass windows...

From Minu, a dear, dear friend...

whose tears mixed with mine...and whose words blended with mine...(mine are in italic)

I cared for her

Like a babe in my arms

Her confused eyes

Focussed on my face...

Gently I pushed back her hair

And whispered in her ear

Sleep, sleep awhile...

My brother kept watch every night - i'd wake up suddenly, at all odd hours, and see him sitting by her bed, holding her hand, stroking her head, and know a sense of great peace 

She smiled wanly

Wondering

If this was how it was meant to be?

Somehow it felt different

She vaguely remembered being on the other side---

With her children...

Tired, oh so tired

She cried, " God have mercy."

She was the mother

And yet here was her daughter mothering her

She had always given

Now she was learning to receive...

She went away

But I felt trapped

My wings broken

Oh Mom, I cried

Unable to cope

Unable to com to grips

You just left,

Without a word, a hug, or a backward glance

You did not come back

Did you know we kissed you and hugged you – wanting to give you the reassurance that you were much, much loved

You did not come back

Could you hear us singing – in parts – in tune, without a single wrong note 

You did not come back

Bubbloobeta and I dressed you the way you wanted to be dressed, Mummy,

You did not come back

When we kissed you good bye, we thought that you may not really leave us, but,

You did...

And you did not come back

I could not get enough of your lovely face, but we had to cover you

You did not come back

You went away to be with Daddy – that’s where you wanted to be

You did not come back

You were in such a hurry to go away

 You did not smile or kiss me good bye, Mummy,

You did not come back

You left me an orphan with nothing

You did not come back

You just left, and now,

You will not come back...

If only...

we can learn to accept all the problems and downs that come our way, instead of wasting - spending our energies groaning, blaming the gods, blaming fate, blaming our parents, blaming the world, and looking for scapegoats...........................

If we accept the problems/heartaches/setbacks/pain, that life feels we need to have, the energy we save can be spent looking for the hidden nugget of wisdom, for there is surely a gem tucked away in the heart of every down...

It's not easy - but it's do-able, and the only - only - only reason why we need to do this, is that it is ONLY this way that we will ever feel free in our heart.... . So much of life goes into battling with our downs, so much of our energy goes into smothering our pain and tucking it away in some deep recess or the other of our heart and our being, so much mental strength goes into pushing down our natural selves just because they don't fit in with someone else's image of who we should be, so much effort goes into pretending what we are not so we can be accepted, so much stress and struggle goes into our fears - 'what will happen if I'm not part of this or that or the other,'  so much effort goes into protecting ourselves from those who may pain us, how much industry we put into serving ourselves up to the world...

My mother used to whistle - and this was one of her all-time favs - she'd whistle it, sing it, make us join in, and then whistle it again...(she'd picked it up from her brothers who were in the RAF)

Pack up your troubles in your old kit bags and smile, smile, smile
While you've a lucifer to light your fag.
Smile boys that's your style
What's the use of worrying,
It never was worthwhile,
So,
Pack up your troubles in  your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile

and a line from my fav movie, Rab ne.., 'fikr nu goli maar, yaar.'

Use that effort to get free...and release your heart...

Randomly thinking...

Last evening, the neighbor's son broke the ring of the decorative pot kept outside our front door, (fortunately the plant was safe). Knowing he had done something he had been previously warned about, he ran away. No owning up, no sorry - I know I shouldn't have,... nothing. After a moment's irritation, I put it out of my mind...

Question: why did I mind?

Answer: Because some timeless values like 'not playing with a ball in an enclosed area,' ' respecting a neighbor's yard, or front door,' and most of all 'respecting plants (and animals)' had been violated. Is violated too harsh? But that is how I felt...my Dad would not scold me as much for a prank, as he would get upset if I treated one of the plants in the garden he was so proud of, badly - as in, pinched its leaves, or ran my hand carelessly over it, or bent too close to it. I remember he would insist on having plants at the entrance. We lived in a campus, and naturally there were many times when the students would come to see him. And, while waiting - invariably - would touch the plants. If they were nervous, the leaves would get pinched; if they knew they were in for a 'talk', whole branches would get broken; and if they were happy, chances are that some of the flower petals or leaves would find their way into their hands...and Daddy would, I think, sense it...and gently but firmly they would be instructed on how to respect beauty, and Nature...(in time, I think they feared that more than what they had come for!).

He never entrusted the planting of the trees and plants to the gardener - she had to just weed the garden, and generally look after it - but planting, mowing the lawn, loving and caring  were done by Dad. Even the flowers that he gently cut and brought in every day, I do believe, only smiled for, and at him...

It was the same with the trees in our yard - we could climb them, play under them, run around them, but not hurt them in any way - any way - . He even dinned it into my DD from the moment she was born, since she spent a great deal of time in the lovely garden he had created... . Never mind time of day or night - she was in the garden looking at the sunlight through the trees, or at the night sky, or having all her meals surrounded by plants... .She was very young when he passed on, but she still, somewhere deep inside her, remembers........

I think plants and trees had a telepathic connection with him.

As for my brother and me - God help us if.......

And so we grew up learning to love their company - since we shared Dad with them.

Maybe that's why I sooooooo love plants, and trees......just looking at them and spending time with them is an instant pick-me-up...it's NECESSARY to my life...

Randomly deliberating...

on an insight...

When parents/teachers/adults see the young folk do things which cause a collective intake of self-righteous breath and go - 'in our time...', I realize we are doing both the young and us, the older, a grave injustice.

The second we are in is different from the one that just went by, and the one that is waiting to happen. We are different in the second that is passed, in the second that is the now, and will be in the second that is to come. How then can two periods of time be the same? How can similar situations - arguments with parents and teachers, school/college, work life.....simply living... in two periods of time ever be the same?

No one can really, hand on heart, say that 'our times' were better - there are good times and bad times in all the ages...and all the times..........as the inexorable passage of time happens, best is to live in this second of time, without looking over one shoulder at the past, or predicting the 'dire' future...ending up making our young, our old and ourselves miserable....

Randomly rambling...

Hellen Keller, deaf, dumb and blind (how stumping-defeating-terrifying is that), said: 

Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, 

- Helen Keller

and we know that what does not exist in nature cannot exist in us - and yet, security is the one single thing that we all absolutely and totally cling to  - security of love, security of a job, security of the economics of our lives, security of our home and family, security of our possessions, security of friends.....the list is endless....seems like we can never let go............................and all the time, security remains just a superstition, and we bind ourselves to this superstition...

Semper Fidelis

Semper Fidelis - Always Faithful - is the motto of the U.S. Marine Corps.

I read this in connection with a story of a marine who was dying in the middle of a carnage, fighting someone else's war in someone else's country. A lowly marine who was just a number in the ranks and files of the U. S. army. These were his dying words... . He had been faithful right up till the end.

No great earth-shattering, headline-screaming task has to be done to change the world. You don't have to be a General or someone in the public eye. Your experiences do not make you an authority on anything - your experiences are meant to make you a better person, and brighten that tiny corner your light has been placed in.

One just has to be faithful to one's duty - day after day, no matter where life has put you - Always faithful -

One thought led to another and I couldn't help my mind turning to America - with what wonderful values the Founding Fathers built America. O course now the country is going through a bad patch, but if Americans just stop to hark back, and get back to those values, there is no reason they won't be able to put the country back in order, for, no institution/organization/country can get away from the values with which they had been created. They may be temporarily hidden, but they are bound to come back - they have to. It is the same with us here too in India. While the confused economically upper classes are going their own way, and the politicians are causing mayhem, those children of the soil who have stayed true to original Indian values are keeping the country from completely toppling over... .

The hope of any country lies in those who are Always Faithful...

The hope of any life lies in just being Always Faithful...

Reaching out...

to all those who are looking after their old ailing parents, and are having to care for them as they would babies...

A dear friend was telling me how she was devastated by the state her father was in. She and her sister had to look after their once-strapping-imperious Dad, as if he was a baby. Having gone through a similar experience, I knew how she was feeling. It is an unbearable pain in the innermost and deepest part of your heart to see the parent you once relied on, the parent who probably ruled your life with an iron hand, the parent who might have treated you unfairly on occasion, the parent who cared for you when you were ill, the parent who wiped your tears, the parent who helped you grow up, and who you left far behind  - whatever the reason...but a parent occupies a larger-than-life presence in the heart of every child no matter that the 'child' may now be an elderly person. Where once you so relied on them to take care of you, today you are caring for them as you would your own little children...what a tremendous thing to cope with - your own children on one hand, who for a parent always remain their babies, and your parents-turned-babies on the other. Bathing them, feeding them, combing their hair, looking after all their needs, caring for them, loving them so that they don't feel left out or abandoned -  what havoc this creates in the heart and mind cannot be calculated. The frustrations you experience looking at their helplessness, and at the same time trying to not let them feel the frustration of their helplessness and dependence. It can turn your whole mind upside down, and no consolation or reasoning seems to help you to come to grips with this. Many rational solutions of how to cope are offered, but nothing seems to work, and all the while you know that you cannot allow yourself to be sucked into this quicksand of sorrow - life has to go on - there is a responsibility to yourself...and to those who love you...and those you love...

And then when this parent-turned-baby passes on - you know with  your head that that was the best thing that could happen to the parent, but the pain is cripplingly overwhelmingly unbearable, leaving an aching forlorn-ness, a desolation... . My brother says it is because when you care for them as a baby, and the parent goes away, it is as if you have lost your child - and that, we all know, is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen - to lose your child....

So how do we cope? I think the only thing is to draw strength from the fact that you are not the only one who is walking on this road...so you are not alone...

Believe that you will come through....lean on grace, and keep reminding yourself that you are not alone...

and...............................

send a silent ' I know ...................I am with you....' to someone who is struggling...

A grandmother's wisdom...

"There, but for the grace of God, go I"

This was a line that my mother quoted many times. Over the years the wisdom in these words has sent down deep roots into my heart.

Something that I love doing is looking at people - I'm not sure why - but I love looking at people around me and see what they are wearing, how they are talking, or not talking, and most of all I look at their faces, trying to see what they are saying, behind what they are apparently saying... . So often, I see the pain, the heartache, the hidden longings, and sometimes I read the 'that-could've-been-me-there' look when they look at someone who seems to on top of things, and I think - "there, but for the grace of God, go I"...because all that is/was very familiar ground......and again the thought comes that "whatever happens, happens for a reason"...if only we can learn how to patiently wait to learn, and wait for the learning time to pass...

Victims all?

Are we all victims of some or other thought the mind throws up? The mind, as we learn from all reliable sources, is our greatest enemy causing any amount of damage in our heads which get translated into chaos in our lives. And though we can try to instantly put aside what the mind is telling us, in the brief instants that we give in to listening to what it has to say, we cause that much destruction in ourselves.

So see, thanks to our delusions, illusions, fanciful-imaginations-which-never-become-real, will-o'-the-wisp considerations, fleeting reflections, chimeric standards that we strive to attain, seriously-foolish-brown-studies we allow ourselves to get immersed in, we all become sojourners in victimsville.

And being in victimsville, is like being in the vice-like grip of some evil fairy...

The right kind of help...

We were browsing in Music World - intention being to pick up some DVDs that were on our viewing list; 'Tess', and if possible 'Swan Lake'.

Usually, one has to flip through thousands of DVDs to find what one wants, and of course that takes so much time, that you end up getting jostled by people who also need to flip through the DVDs, and being nudged by those who want to just walk around and browse. The salespeople generally add to the milling crowds, and when asked give non-committal replies, or an 'I'll just check' one. A Mr. Chandan Roy, salesperson, asked me if we were looking for anything specific. I said 'Tess', thinking, here we go...to myself.....and he goes, ' I have that -- I have that just here,' and he goes directly to the spot, thumbs through the set, and while doing so says, ' It's a Polanski film. Great one.' I was so taken aback, that I just looked at him in silence... very happily surprised...wow this guy knows... . Then, after a bit of browsing in the music section, we came back to the DVD section for one more look. Mr. Chandan Roy again................. I told him we were looking for Swan Lake. Instantly came the response, 'I have that here. It's a Tchaikovsky.' (and he had the pronunciation just right!!). An astonished WOW! to that. And he unerringly went to where he knew it was, and gave it to us...(strange thing is that we'd just thumbed through that very section without seeing it).

Terrific salesmanship, right? and terrific salesperson! so....................terrific experience!!!

Whooooosssshhhhhhhhhh......

Everyone who operates within deadlines would  love Eric Powell's understanding of deadlines (in Julie and Julia):

"I love deadlines. I love the sound they make as they go whooshing past."

And so, more often than not, it's not I wiiiissssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I could greet the deadline, it's whooooooooooosssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh there it goes...

and that is surely meant to bring a smile to all deadliners....

It's the barista...

on whom the taste of coffee depends - is what I've discovered. I'm a complete and total coffee person, and how I make/get my coffee really matters...this is something about myself that I stumbled on, because how else can I explain the wonderfully uplifting feeling a good cup of coffee gives me.

The whole matter of the taste of coffee comes up when I go to a café. CCD, initially was a great hit, so was Barista (the café). The baristas knew how to give you a really good cup of the brew. Now, sadly, it depends on which barista makes your coffee. I love mocha - but with HOTHOTHOT chocolate added to the coffee - no cream, and I totally love the barista who can make it like this - and there some - especially barista Iqbal in the Barista outlet near New Market...

Starbucks - if you're lucky, you've got it...................again!.............otherwise it's 'could you heat this up for me please?'---------------and anyone but anyone who loves coffee will know what kind of GHASTLY brew happens when coffee is microwaved...

Costa has been so far - a good coffee experience...

A cup of good old South Indian coffee in a Saravanaa Bhavan or Murugan Idli restaurant NEVER EVER EVER goes wrong...

Wish baristas would know how important they are in the life of a coffee lover!

Raising a toast (of coffee) to the baristas who make the day of all coffee buffs world over!

Building learning blocks...

I want to share something which is happening to me right now - I was given a chance at Editorial Assistant-ship  for a retail newspaper. Retail has never featured in my life-space, or life-sphere. I've always been fascinated by fashion, lifestyle, and way-out consumer goods that periodically come into the market, but never knew they came under the category of Retail, till I started off, very, very diffidently, on this new journey. Now I'm wondering at this huge outer world where all these exciting things happen...retail-related, retail-connected, and retail-connected-to-the-world happenings.

My DD, of course, took charge of my faltering steps, and gave me assignments to help me get the hang of what I was expected to do - so now I'm speeding away on the road of editorial assisting...

What I cannot but wonder at is how one tiny bit of learning starts a nuclear-reactor effect - this tiny bit of learning goes and pings against another bit of learning, which splits and releases other tiny bits of learning which also zoom off into the zones where knowledge floats around, pinging away in all directions, and contributing their bits to the original tiny bit of learning, making it large...this is exactly what is happening to me...and I'm learning and learning and learning - which is, naturally, making my DD absolutely smug, since she contributed the very first ping...

A teacher's ramblings...

I feel a great sense of fulfillment and happiness when my old students get in touch with me. It's not a regular kind of keeping in touch that they do - instead, all of a sudden I get a 'Ma'am I love you, and miss  you', or, a 'Ma'am I'm thinking of you', message, which absolutely and totally makes me go all weepy-eyed and woozy...

'Grown-up' kids is another thing I seem to stumble over--to me they are still in shorts or skirts or pinafores. Yet, some of them have school-going children now!

Best is, of course, the things I learn from them. One of my fav's taught me something new yesterday - life funk - isn't that a thoroughly and brilliantly evocative way of referring to an unsettled period of life? Realignment of different periods of life is also something I learnt from the lad - real wisdom, that from 'out of the mouth of babes'...

Sheer pleasure and joy to see my 'kids' flower....