A lot of lessons have been learnt...

last year.

Hard, bitter lessons.

I will try to keep my focus on the lessons I've learnt so that the next year is not as painful...or, if it is painful, I'll also remember that there is a reason for the pain. Believe me, there is a reason why we go through what we do - either happiness or sadness. Today I have realized and fully believe that the painful years were necessary to shape me into what I am today - Today, I have less hassles and therefore more comprehension of my life, less complexes and more confidence. I am more accepting and less questioning. I think more about things before blindly accepting everything I see or hear about. I am less analyzing, more believing, less critical and I try to look at what is good in everything and everyone. I have more confidence in myself. I try not to say just about anything that comes to my head and likewise not accept everything that is said to me or everything I hear. I don't dismiss things out of hand so much now, without first giving a patient look at what I am being so cavalier about...Most, most importantly, I believe I've got back myself and I'm learning how to be more independent in my thinking and also in the way I go about things.

In so many ways I feel I have changed....but I know that there is more painful chiselling and discarding to be done...as well as more incorporating of the things that are of spiritual value.

I want to wish all those who have taken time to share my fears and my thoughts a Merry Christmas. May you walk into 2017 with faith, good health, peace of mind and positivity.

It's so important...

to get out of someone else's shadow, even if the shadow is that of our parents.

It is not possible to live someone else's ideals or someone else's dreams or think or do what someone else might have done. It's just not possible. Children are different from their parents. Agreed they draw their genetic map from their parents, but after that, as they grow, their environment and their experiences add on dimensions that give them their very own distinctive personalities. And this, as parents, we have to respect.

It is the same with us adults. As we grow older, day by day, we read, learn see and experience all kinds of things. We also process all that we observe/think/feel/realize/analyze differently - differently even from what we were a day ago... Understandable then, that we become different - gradually but surely - even from those we have grown up with or live with. No matter how divergent we become from those who know us and who we claim to know, we have to accord them the same respect that we have for ourselves.

Loving is meant to absorb all these differences...because the bedrock of loving is respect...respect for the person of your child/spouse/friend...whoever... and, the very first requirement of respect is to respect the fact that the other person needs his/her own space...light...air...to grow. Shadowing a person would be, in fact, not respecting the fact that the person we are shadowing is capable of growth without us. Be there for each other....but.....everyone needs to make their own mistakes.

We must neither overshadow anyone nor be overshadowed by anyone.....no matter how close the relationship....we all need sunlight, darkness, and air to breathe and grow...

Keep fighting...

and Never Give up

I got this affirmation of how we are not to give up, no matter how harsh, or frightening or terrible the situation we are in is, from a person I admire hugely---Michael Schumacher.

Schumacher's family has started the initiative 'Keep Fighting' to help and inspire others.
'The Keep Fighting Initiative is about courage, hope and belief in your own confidence. It is about giving back positive energy that the Schumacher family has received by so many wonderful people in the whole world.'

Sabine Kehm, manager, said it hoped to “spread the belief that giving up is not an option, a message that is valid not only in motor racing."

Which means that when faced with any kind of challenge, never mind if it is hard times, or something even more catastrophic, we have to believe that we can and will overcome this misfortune or suffering. Then, we have to draw out courage from our deep inner core.

Once we step into the arena, as it were, we have to take each little part of the problem and solve it slowly and carefully. Rushing through a difficulty or a seemingly impossible situation will only compound the issue. These situations cannot be wished away or rushed through. We need a clear head and strong mind to resolve it. Which means we have to banish the fear that is bound to crop up now and again. Thus, slowly and deliberately we work through the problem. The wonderful thing is that once we step into the adverse situation, we start paying heed to our inner self and allow ourselves to be guided by that clear, calm inner voice. It's only the accepting of the problem and the actual act of stepping into it that can be a little daunting. Once we are in, we, ourselves, will be surprised at our own strength and fortitude in resolving the situation.

We may well find ourselves in a situation when we feel paralyzed to do any of these things. If that is so, we need to sit quietly and gather our mind in, because we all - each one of us - has a hidden store of courage. We also have the fight hidden inside of us. Once we tap into this, then we have to believe that of course we will overcome and we will prevail...if not now, then 2 weeks hence, or 2 months, or 2 years hence....no matter how long it takes.

If we are fortunate to have people we love and trust helping us, then we have to remember that we owe them so that when they are in similar straits, we don't leave them alone. We also need to reach out and share what we have learned from going through and conquering our adversity with those who are going through difficult times.

So, if ever we feel overwhelmed by difficult and hurtful situations, we need to remember that we are not going to give up...we have the spunk not to give in...and, we are going to keep fighting till we overcome the issue...

Getting dragged down...

by negativeness.

Really, negativeness has so much strength - a word spoken callously, a hurtful action, an unthinking way of behaving....generate a great deal of negativeness. While we tend to be very conscious of being at the receiving end of negativeness, we need to pause and ask how much negativeness we create or are responsible for.

Having said this, what we need to do is to use our energies into nurturing and supporting positiveness. It's not easy to be on a positive mode all the time - even the strongest intention of doing so gets weakened when negativeness hits us...and so we need to have a space to go to where we can sit quietly and get our equilibrium back. This is for us - for nurturing positiveness inside of us and so removing all the negative energies that are clamoring to get a place inside of us.

Sometimes we cannot do this alone. So, it is very, very important to have a support structure in place. We need to have people around us who will lift us up - not drag us down either by condemning us or giving us lectures about alternate ways of being able to stay on an even keel......not blaming us but by lifting our spirits by their presence......not pointing out our limitations and shortcomings, but by being supportive of what we are all about in spite of some one thing having not gone the way it should.

Most of all, we need to have those people around us who will give us also an opportunity to be there for them in return. We need to create a nurturing and supportive structure for our family and friends for when negativeness strikes at them. Reaching out to others will also reduce the power of the negative within us - from us outwards to others and from others inwards to us.

Of all the influences that hammer on our souls, we need to choose and nurture only the positive ones...

Have you noticed...

we humans are the only part of Nature that are always in a hurry....hurry for everything....

Plants - not even one leaf will sprout unless the time is right...It won't even poke it's little node out. It will wait till it is time for it to emerge. It's the same with the tiniest plant and the biggest tree. They will grow at their own pace. No amount of external 'help' will make them grow faster or bigger. They will grow as they should, when they should.

Likewise with animals - an animal will not rush around. It rests, and snoozes, and eats, and walks about if it has to. The only time an animal will act is when it is threatened, or it is stalking its prey. At all other times it is peaceful.

But,

Humans - oh how we rush about and worry so. We're in a flap about one thing or another a lot of the time....maybe most of the time. God has given us the power of intelligence, the ability to think and many talents. But we....we are in such a flap so much of the time that instead of enjoying these gifts and concentrating on using them for our own good and the benefit of everyone, we put ourselves into states of anxiety and disquietude, we get into contentious arguments and controversies and so foolishly spend our gifts and our time...

The best day of your life...

is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies. No excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

This is a quote by Bob Moawad.

Very often we get caught in the loop of the past (as my DD says I tend to do) - not deliberately, no, but thoughts of hurt and pain suffered many years ago, thoughts that we have not been able to banish from our consciousness, creep back before we even realize that they're creeping in, and then all of a sudden we find ourselves totally caught up in the feelings of that time - feelings that we should have totally got rid of. Once we get caught in this loop, then it needs a hard jolt to get us out of it because those painful, hurting thoughts still have the power to hold us in their grip. Just as we fought these feelings at the time they happened and concentrated on the tasks at hand, thus pushing them to a place deep, deep down away from our minds, we need to consciously fight and remove them completely from our heart and mind. Why, we may ask ourselves....why should we forget? We need to forget, simply because the people who dealt us those hurts and sorrows have long forgotten and are living their lives quite oblivious of the havoc and damage they created. Whereas we, by not pushing these things out of our system, are storing the poison which slowly seeps in at these times when we are in the loop of the past and debilitates us...even if it for a brief time before we snap out of it, we have allowed the poison to come out and destroy our peace of mind and upset the tenor of our lives.

Thus, we need to work on believing that we are not only survivors, but have fought and moved onwards and upwards without even realizing it. We need to believe this consciously so that we live in this manner...and not creep around the edges of life. We have our place under the Sun and we need to build on this....build our own life of quality. Quality does not come in from the outside. That we are of people with sterling qualities is something we need to believe so hard and so strongly that it percolates outwards from the inside. As Bob Moawad says, “Quality begins on the inside... then works its way out.”

And so: Each day is the best day of my life because this is the day on which I decide my life is my own. No apologies. No excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, blame. The gift is mine - it is an amazing journey - and I alone am responsible for the quality of it. This is the day my life really begins.

How blinkered can we be...

because deciding to wear blinkers is a choice. Not wanting to see the reality of pain and hurt and the distress and struggles of the people around us.....Not wanting to face breakdowns.....Not recognizing those who may make us question ourselves and the way we live or go about our lives.....Not wanting to see situations or issues that might make us uncomfortable.....Not wanting to see anything that may create questions against the status quo in our minds......Not wanting to question why we are what we are or have become what we have become.....Not wanting to find out what has happened to put us in the state we are in now.....These are all choices that we make out of our fears and insecurities.

Naturally, then, if we remove our blinkers it is going to hurt deeply....we are going to cringe at what we have become......but at least we can then fix ourselves so that as we grow older, we can be more at peace with ourselves.....the deep sense of peace that can only come from within...

For in the end, it is only us.... and so we have to align ourselves (as we have become) and our true self (our North Star), into one whole being...

Shame and guilt

Shame goes to the core of a person - there is something wrong with me.

Guilt’s focus is on behavior - I am not doing what has been expected of me.

The difference:
Shame says - I am bad.

Guilt says - I've done something bad.

We can work out our guilt. Shame, however goes deep and has to be pulled out forcefully by the roots.

When we are ashamed of something we believe is wrong with us - poor complexion, overweight/underweight, bright/dull...and this thought fills our mind, then we are putting ourselves in a space of shame. We are so cringing within ourselves that we cannot see the bigger picture. Self-esteem is at zero.

According to Brené Brown, shame needs three things to survive: silence, secrecy, and judgment. The only thing shame cannot possibly survive is empathy.

Which means that we have to find courage to talk about what we are feeling shame of. Instead of making excuses, or skirting the issue, we have to be honest about what we are struggling with. This starts to open us up...we begin to feel less stressed and tight inside of ourselves.

When we attack our self - my face, my talents, my abilities, my physique - we need to recognize what we are feeling and reframe the sentences that are flooding our mind and heart. So, we instead of 'I cannot even do this', we say, 'I slipped up. But that's not too bad because everyone slips up at some time or the other. This does not make me a failure.' Or, 'How can I go in front of people looking like this', say, 'My face/physique is just one part of me. There is definitely more to me than this.' In other words, we replace the negative dialogue with cheers for the positive things we do and are capable of doing.

We all do a thousand positive things a day. Yet, strangely, we don't focus on this, but put our full attention on one small part of us or one tiny thing we did differently.

In other words, we need to start practicing loving ourselves. Talk to ourselves as we would to a dear friend; treat ourselves the way we would treat someone we care for.

Further, if it is someone else who has put you in a space of shame, say loudly who has made you feel like this....say what he/she said to you or done to you, and say it out loud that you are not accepting what has been said or done to you. You do not accept that person. This is another way of not validating those negative things that someone is trying to make you believe you have in you.

So,

• Face squarely what we are feeling a sense of shame about.
• Replace the negative dialogues with positive ones.
• Enumerate and focus on all the positive things we do and we know we are capable of doing.
• Start loving our self. 
• Put the shame in the place where it belongs so that you invalidate them and defang them.

We need to NOT transform shame into a state of being. It is a feeling and as a feeling, it will pass unless we dwell on it and give it an important space inside of us.

Sharing...

a story I wrote...

You'll find it here:

http://www.ibuzzle.com/articles/a-girl-named-maya.html

I came to know Maya when I stayed at the Christapanthi Ashram in Sihora for 3 months. I visited her home in Bhatiya village and met her mother and sister. My heart went out to Maya and all the other girls I met during my stay there. (I would tag along with the Sisters as they went on their work to the neighbouring villages.)

How I wish for these girls to break or at least bend the bonds of cruel tradition that cripple them and LIVE their lives. These are beautiful girls.....hardworking, unquestioning (sadly so), and yet full of love and laughter.....till they are married off. The laughter survives in some of them, while others live out their fate as best as they can....I love them all.

Strong words...

and most definitely a wake-up call.

"If what you're doing doesn't bring you joy every single day, what's the point?"
- Michelle Obama.

And here is the purpose of life in a nutshell. To seek to do things that bring us joy. I know many of us are not in positions to be able to choose. In which case what we do would make sense only if we put our heart and soul into finding out how best we could do it....kind of make the very best out of the unfortunate circumstances or hopeless positions we may find ourselves in. Otherwise, when confronted with a choice - and life is full of choices - we need to ask ourselves if what we are choosing...what we are homing in on brings us joy every single day.

It is the same with people. Should we find ourselves in the presence of people who do not bring us joy...with whom we cannot be joyful......we need to just walk away from these people. For whatever reason, if we cannot, then we will have to devise our own ways of  shutting them out from our heads and minds - since we cannot shut them out physically - before they make the heart sink with despair.

It is the same with the environments we find ourselves in. Walk away from debilitating environments and choose to be only in enabling environments....environments in which we feel we are growing, we are flowering, which bring us peace, which help us to use our talents, which allow us to delve into our souls and find that we are capable of making our dreams come true...

Collette...

a role model if ever there was one...

As Collette Divitto pursued her passion for cooking, friends and family all agreed there was something special about the cookie.

When Collette, who was born with Down syndrome, tried finding a job and making some money, she kept running into barriers. Potential employers told her they liked her qualities, but said she “wasn’t the right fit.” So Collette decided it was time to become her own boss. She started a website, made business cards, bought ingredients, and learned how to write invoices.

“She’s never accepted her disability,” her mom said.

(And we collapse at the slightest turn in our road...or the teeniest road bump...)

Read about Collette here, please:

http://boston.cbslocal.com/2016/11/25/boston-woman-down-syndrome-cookie-business-dreams-big/

To be able to handle...

my darkest moments....the things I've done that I'm not proud of....the compromises I've made that hurt even today....my darkest truths...

As it happens, when these dark truths surface, we immediately try to shift our mind to some task that will occupy our attention and force the dark truth down.....down into the depths and secret corners of our hearts hoping they will not surface again. The sad but true thing is that they do surface and if we don't deal with them, they will come up at a time when we will be well and truly trapped....Unpleasant and horrible as these are, we have to force ourselves to look at them and look at ourselves and deal with them when they come up. There is no weakness here in admitting we are struggling with our dark truths....for it is only great mental strength that will help us face and deal with these dark truths about ourselves.....it is a truly heroic effort, for the struggle to let it come out and then deal with it, is great.

Life is hard but it is also beautiful. And we have to be able to honor both these realities.

We will never be at complete peace, we will not be able to feel at home in our own skin...in our heart and mind and body unless we realize that we are also made up of dark truths-that-were-but-are-not-there-anymore. We cannot be real people if there are only roses....there have to be thorns too....but thorns we have dealt with and made peace with.

We have to become real.


Look at what Oprah Winfrey says - and she knows what she is saying having walked a painful road herself...

Seek to be whole, not perfect.

You are not here to shrink down to less, but to blossom into more of who you really are.

You alone must fill yourself with love in all your empty shattered spaces.