Two words that have to become part of my consciousness...part of me...
There are times without number when I find myself swallowing my words. Words that I so want to say. I guess it is better to swallow them than be misunderstood or worse, cause pain to someone...anyone.
There are also times when I have not acted the way I want to...not done something I have wanted to. I'm not sure this is such a good thing.
One has to weigh one's words and actions - I agree with this...but where I am getting stuck is that there are many times that weighing and weighing and weighing, causes me to start feeling so jammed up inside. This is a feeling I'm not liking any more. There is a deep need in me now to feel free in my heart and spirit and mind.
One huge deterrent has been that I've always been paranoid about unpleasantness. For me, any kind of unpleasantness has meant the end of the world - my world. One book I just finished reading - and I loved so much - is Fredrik Backman's 'My Grandmother sends her regards and apologizes'. There are parts of it that I re-re-re-re-re-read so many times that I feel they've gone deep inside of me. Now I have to loosen up so that I can live them. And the most important thing I learnt is that unpleasantness is inevitable and if it is inevitable, I don't have to fear it...I have to learn to let it pass....not hang on to it, not act on it, not analyze it, not blame or tear apart myself for it, not predict the worst, not anything.....
I have to bring back fairy tales from where they have been delegated to and concealed in the depths of my heart...