Last year went by so painfully—-deaths, illness….so much grief and pain…and unbelievable suffering. I too fell victim. It is the most lonely kind of illness, as you struggle to breathe, struggle to get some food down, struggle to move… And the fear is almost paralysing. The worst is that this affects the mind. Blankouts, the feeling of sinking, too tired to take the next breath, the pulling backwards when you want to go forwards…. Months on, I am still trying to get my mind back. Having come close to death, it is not fear of death, it is the fear of living.
On the other side of this darkness is the light of gratitude. The deep gratefulness of being able to see my daughter and granddaughter. The joy in holding them and touching them. The gratefulness of seeing the sunshine come in through the window, the blue sky, the boundless ocean, the plants…..and hearing every day sounds of children’s laughter, people talking, cars honking…. The deep gratitude of being alive. The darkness tries to pull me back but the light drags me on. I cannot give up. There is a whole new life ahead and i mean to live it.