Struggle and conflict...

are the two constants in our lives.

We - and for people like me it happens all too often - tend to think that if we are going through some struggle or some kind of conflict, there is something wrong with us - something wrong with the way we are thinking or with the way we are doing things, with our attitudes or with our perceptions. The tendency is to blame ourselves. If we make mistakes, we blame ourselves, and if someone reacts unkindly or unfairly, then also we blame ourselves. Naturally, this has its own fall-outs and consequences - often in the form of some sort of struggle with ourselves or conflicts with others which naturally comes back to us.

Of course, there are times when we try to put the blame on others, even though we know we cannot control how others act/react or think or how they talk or what they say.

But there are many more times when we tend to blame ourselves.

We all want to live 'happily ever after' lives. Hence, any kind of conflict or struggle is an aberration and our first reaction is one of distress thereby sending the happiness factor far, far away. However, looking at it dispassionately, conflict and struggle is built into our lives. Starting with birth - birth happens after a great deal of pain and struggle. But the result - one of happiness at a new baby. Look at the baby - it undergoes a great struggle to adapt to a new environment...when the little one starts to adjust, he/she starts to grow. In fact, every tiny step of our growth is a struggle - as we overcome each struggle, painfully, we grow that much more in clarity and wisdom. Our perceptions become stronger and, best of all, we become more flexible as we give up our rigidness and try to learn new ways and new things.... in the process, enriching the whole process of living.

Every kind of growth has conflict and struggle built into the process.

Thus, conflict and struggle just ARE. They are neither good nor bad. They are a fact of life. When we recognize this fact and acknowledge it, it will bring clarity to our thinking. We learn to forgive because of conflict - forgive ourselves and others. But, we must not, must not, must not think of conflict and struggle as our enemies.....In a peculiar and paradoxical way they are our friends for they help bring about a change for the better...make us better people....and thus bring about a sense of peace...

Wisdom from great men...

have cautioned us through the centuries.

Suddenly a whole lot of things are happening around me and I am groping to get my steadiness back. Has this happened to you too? There are times when a lot of things ping at the same time on your consciousness and threaten to rock your boat? It's happening to me now. And, as always, I started getting a grip on myself during my period of meditation.


I have always got a great deal of comfort from American Indian wisdom. Here's what Fools Crow, LAKOTA, says about keeping the inner and outer worlds in balance:

"If we keep everything in balance, we are in harmony with ourselves and are at peace."

American Indian wisdom offers: As within, as without, our present thought determines our future. If we want peace outside ourselves, we must first have peace inside ourselves. It's not what is going on but how we are looking at what is going on.

It is not what IS going on, it is the million thoughts that what is going on raises in our minds that we have to deal with. Buddhists call this the monkey mind. So, first, we have to put all these thoughts that are churning about, to rest - quieten the monkey mind. Learn to look at things as they are without all the colors our thoughts are coloring them. Hazrat Inayat Khan (Sufi wisdom) says: By our thoughts we have prepared for ourselves the happiness or unhappiness we experience.

The Desiderata says: Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

American Indian wisdom offers: We need to keep ourselves in balance. We must be careful to not get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. We must know the times - time to work, time to rest, time to play, time to sleep, time to pray, time to lighten up, time to laugh, time to eat, time to exercise.

There is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). And as the Desiderata so beautifully puts it -

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

American wisdom offers: There is a saying "The honor of one is the honor of all." This means when we work with all, we need to also work on one. We need to take care of ourselves. You cannot give away what you don't have.

And as the years go on, the Desiderata cautions: Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

It really is all about being in harmony with oneself...

Important 7 Lessons...

1. Allow yourself the uncomfortable luxury of changing your mind. Cultivate that capacity for “negative capability.” It’s enormously disorienting to simply say, “I don’t know.” But it’s infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right — even if that means changing your mind about a topic, an ideology, or, above all, yourself.

2. Do nothing out of guilt, or for prestige, status, money or approval alone. Extrinsic motivators are fine and can feel life-affirming in the moment, but they ultimately don’t make it thrilling to get up in the morning and gratifying to go to sleep at night — and, in fact, they can often distract and detract from the things that do offer those deeper rewards.

3. Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator. Always remember there is a human being on the other end of every exchange and behind every cultural artifact being critiqued.

4. Build pockets of stillness into your life. Meditate. Go for walks. Ride your bike going nowhere in particular. There IS a creative purpose to daydreaming, even to boredom. Most importantly, sleep. Besides being the greatest creative aphrodisiac, sleep also affects our every waking moment, dictates our social rhythm, and even mediates our negative moods. Be as religious and disciplined about your sleep as you are about your work.

5. Maya Angelou famously said, ‘When people tell you who they are, believe them’. But even more importantly, when people try to tell you who you are, don’t believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.

6. Presence is far more intricate and rewarding an art than productivity. The cult of productivity has its place, but worshipping at its altar daily robs us of the very capacity for joy and wonder that makes life worth living — for, as Annie Dillard memorably put it, “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

7. Debbie Millman captures our modern predicament beautifully: “Expect anything worthwhile to take a long time.” The flower doesn’t go from bud to blossom in one spritely burst and yet, as a culture, we’re disinterested in the tedium of the blossoming. But that’s where all the real magic unfolds in the making of one’s character and destiny.



(I got this from: https://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/10/23/7-lessons-from-7-years/)

My relationship...

with myself.

As I get ready for my birthday tomorrow, here are some things that I need to top up on:


-----I need to become acquainted with myself. I need to accept my feelings and understand them. I also need to pay attention to my intuition. I need to listen to my inner voice. I need to nourish my soul. According to Native American wisdom, the Creator has a way of allowing us to see or know things in the spiritual world. This is called the Sixth Sense. The Sixth Sense is like a radar system; our personal radar system. It will help us "see" opportunities and help us avoid disaster. We must learn to listen to it. We must learn to trust it. We must learn to act on it even if our head says differently.

-----I need to make time for myself. I need to recognize that my needs are important. I need to do things that I love, and take good care of myself-physically, mentally and emotionally. I need to not put myself down and even if, sometimes, I have to step back, it must be with the full knowledge that I am stepping back for someone who is very important to me and because my stepping back will help him/her. I am not to step back because I feel inadequate or small. We each have our strengths and shortcomings, and I need to recognize mine, and accept and love myself with all of them.

I have to practice forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive myself and others.

I have to be able to accept where I are right now. Of course, I have to keep striving for where I may want to be, but it is important that I be patient with myself through the different chapters of my life.

I have to realize I am beautiful just as I am. There is no need for a mask, and no benefit in pretending to be someone I am not. I have to love the parts of myself that bring no applause from others. My beauty lies in my imperfections, vulnerabilities, and insecurities. I need to embrace who I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone.

A beautiful friendship...

An absolute must read:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08/23/mystery-duck-cheers-up-heartbroken-dog-grieving-over-best-friend/?WTmcid=tmgoff_soc_spf_fb&WT.mc_id=sf34124071

This is real friendship!

It is imperative...

to have a philosophy to live by. Most of us tap into the wisdom of others, cull what inspires us and then either incorporate it as is into our philosophy or tweak it to our own unique situation.

Having a philosophy of life is critical for everyday living - to stay on an even keel and to live the best way we can, using our abilities, talents and potentials.

Our mind and body are linked. And therefore impact on each other. For instance, when you are physically very tired, you would have noticed that your mind shuts down, or throws up things that don't lead to anything constructive or peaceful. Likewise, when we feel all pepped up, the mind is optimistic and sharp.

Bruce Lee expressed the mind and body as being 'each end of the battery constantly charging the other.'


Here are a few gems borrowed from Lee's wisdom:

• You will never get any more out of life than you expect
• Keep your mind on the things you want and off those you don’t
• Be a calm beholder of what is happening around you
• There is a difference between a) the world, and b) our reaction to it
• No one can hurt you unless you allow him to

Sharing Bruce Lee's wisdom...

Lee Jun-fan, known professionally as Bruce Lee, was one of the greatest marital arts exponents of our time. There is no way he could have reached that degree of skill without developing a philosophy to live by.

Here are some of his sayings - sayings he believed in and lived.

1. Our lack of self-awareness that makes us look to others to tell us who we are. Learning not to do that is one of life's hardest, most important lessons.

2. The maintenance of self-esteem is a continuous task that taxes all of the individual’s power and inner resources.

Lee examines the crucial difference between pride and self-esteem:
Pride is a sense of worth derived from something that is not part of us, while self-esteem derives from the potentialities and achievements of self. For instance, we are proud when we identify ourselves with an imaginary self, a leader, a holy cause, a collective body of possessions. There is fear and intolerance in pride; it is insensitive and uncompromising. The less promise and potency in the self, the more imperative is the need for pride. The core of pride is self-rejection. Self-esteem, therefore, has to be continuously kept up and sustained.

3. Lee encourages people to strive for honest self-expression in alignment with their mind, body, and spirit.

“ALWAYS BE YOURSELF. EXPRESS YOURSELF. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF.”

4. When there is freedom from mechanical conditioning, there is simplicity. The classical man is just a bundle of routine, ideas and tradition. If you follow the classical pattern, you understand the routine, the tradition, the shadow — but ---- you are not understanding yourself.

5. Awareness (of your surroundings) is without choice, without demand, without anxiety --- in that state of mind, there is perception. To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person. Awareness has no frontier; it is giving of your whole being, without exclusion.

6. There is no such thing as maturity. There is instead an ever-evolving process of maturing, because, when there is a maturity, there is a conclusion and a cessation. That’s the end. That’s when the coffin is closed. You might be deteriorating physically in the long process of aging, but your personal process of daily discovery is ongoing. You continue to learn more and more about yourself every day.

7. Change is from inner to outer. — We start by dissolving our attitude not by altering outer conditions.

We don't need to be right all the time...

We need to simply see what we've done, which may not be super fantastic, as something we've done. Or see that we've been someone we wouldn't like to think about as having been.

Whoever said that we have to be the right person and do the right thing all the time? We are but human and we are bound to slip up, best intentions notwithstanding. But if we do slip up, then there are a million sticks to beat us with - either other people will beat us because we have not conformed to their idea of right or we have been so psyched to believe what is right by our elders that we beat ourselves up if we deviate even a tiny bit.

We forget that we have our own lights to guide us along - to live by and act by. Of course we are going to fall, make mistakes. But we would have made our own mistakes and had our own falls. And we would find the leeway and mental energy to fix it by our own self. Not wait for someone to set us on the right path and berate us into nothingness...

Looking at the concept of 'right'...

The question begs: What is this 'right'? Who decided that this is 'right' for me? Who decided this was the right thing to do or right way to be and that was the wrong thing or the wrong way to be? What gave certain people the right to decide what is 'right' for me.

While growing up, we are so often told by our parents and elders - This is not the right thing to do...That is not the right way to behave....This is not the right dress....What will society say...and so on.

Wanting to always do the 'right' thing, be the 'right' person is actually very crippling because you would be living your life according to someone else's idea of how life should be lived and how you should be. That someone else can be a beloved parent, or someone you look up to, someone who has always been a fixture in your life.......or it could even be this non-existent-man-made thing called society...but the fact still remains that you are trapped in someone else's idea of 'right' person, 'right' way of living, 'right' conduct.....

Some of us actually look to others to tell us the right thing to do or what is expected of us as being right. We've given up our faculty to decide or to see things through our own eyes. We've bartered away our ability to think and understand. We've given away our inborn gift of understanding. We've pushed our intelligence to the back of our mind instead of using it to find out what we are all about so that we can decide for ourselves what is right for us or not.  And all this for what? For something as ephemeral as the feeling of being loved or feeling secure or feeling a part of society.

Well, we are then just sailing along on someone else's ship, probably as a stowaway.

It's taken me these long years to understand this....and I am most definitely trying my hardest to get out of all these things that have crippled me all these years. I have to do and be what is right for me.....what feels right in every cell of my being.....what gives me a sense of peace and serenity... It is probably one of the most difficult tasks I've ever undertaken...but I mean to work on it...

Walt Whitman puts it beautifully: Re-examine all that you have been told...dismiss that which insults your soul.

Having the devil within us raised...

is something we all deal with. A word, an action or some gesture sometimes, for no apparent reason, raises the devil within us. A stray thought, an imagined slight, banter, a thoughtlessly used word, an inflection of voice, an insensitive comment.....can all raise the devil within. There isn't any real reason why this should happen, other than the fact that someone has thrown a stone into the placid lake of your heart and mind. Giving in to this devil has only one result - disaster.

It's not a good feeling to go through - this raising of the devil inside - and the results can be so devastating, I felt I needed to try and make some sense out of it. So what happens. You are coasting along quite happily and cheerfully, chatting and relaxing, and someone banters or thoughtlessly says something which totally jangles you up. You start feeling upset/angry/hurt/wild.... Now here's the first catch - these are all emotions but what is really causing you to suffer is your judgment of what in the first place made these emotions surface. You've judged the word/gesture/action, that is, you've formed your own opinion based on something from the past - you've decided that this is hurtful/not called for/insensitive/thoughtless, and this judgment is now making you suffer. Further, since we all want to quickly get rid of these wretched emotions - and these have a way of sticking on - we start panicking and become anxious of what is going to happen (all this has been triggered off from incidents of the past).The result --- we go off into ourselves.....and so we effectively box ourselves in and the devil is doing its worst within us....

Why does this happen? We all want to be in a state of happiness. First, it would help a lot if we just took the word happy out of our vocabulary. Change it to consciously describe how you are feeling. (While at best of times it could be Contentment, Enjoyment, Laughter, Feeling of well-being, Cheerful, Peace of mind, Hopeful, Playful, Blessed, Secure)...right now, the not-happy-state you are in can best be described as being one of anger, upset, hurt.

And then once you have described it, you work on getting rid of it, simply because it has no place in your life - Here are two ways:

1. Practice mindfulness - Allow your thoughts and emotions to stream through and tell yourself that these thoughts and emotions don't define you. They will define you only if you give them the power to do so.

2. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again. ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Breathe in and breathe out. It's not easy, but with practice it becomes easier.

The devil, seriously, has no place in our life....

Every so often...

we wake up with a premonition that things are going to go wrong that day. And fact is, they do.

I've realized that when this happens to me, if I keep telling myself -

what happens is for the best

and

what happens, happens because it should happen - it was meant to happen

then it becomes easier to cope.


Of course there is the initial period of getting upset and irritated, even angry, maybe. That's okay provided you stop after a bit. Staying on this path only makes it worse, because you would be sending your negativeness like a river to touch everything you do or think or feel. In fact, it will unravel your whole day. But, after letting off steam for a bit, preferably to yourself (or maybe to a really trusted person), it is better to focus on something else - something that is totally different. Could be stopping your mind from thinking at all, or, going to the garden or another room - a change of scene, or, going through your recipe book and getting all the ingredients together to cook your favorite dish, or, indulging in the very simple act of pottering around in the kitchen and making yourself some coffee.... This will soon take your mind off the very thing that has happened/not happened as you expected/were ready for. You'll find that your mind is calmer and you are more in charge of yourself.

Once this happens, keep repeating the two sentences mentioned earlier, and soon you will be able to handle the rest of the day with equanimity and good cheer....maybe even laugh at yourself.

And so, you've succeeded in not taking yourself too seriously (these things happen only to me...line of thought), and you're able to do what has to be done without allowing the blackness of your earlier mindset to color the rest of the day...

I slipped up badly...

yesterday.

And am feeling rotten about it.

There is a school near my gym - one of those big factory-like schools. Since the school is at a level above the road, there is a kind of a ramp-like path connecting the road to the school. The school is bounded by a wall and there is a huge metal gate manned by a security guard, set in the wall. In the morning (around 7 o'clock) when I go to the gym, I see this mad scramble by parents trying to push their little kids in through the gate. Since this is the morning session it is only the little ones who have classes at this time. On my way back (around 9.45), there is another wave of little ones scrambling to get in. As it happens, near all schools, there are the usual 'shops' selling crisps and all kinds of other not-good-for-children-but-which-they-love snacks. There are also the ubiquitous chai (tea) shacks where parents catch their breath after the mad getting-their-children-into-the-school-gate rush. This is also the time when they discus their children's teachers and talk about all that is happening in school - comparing, dissecting, cribbing, praising, pontificating...

The rule is that as soon as it is a particular time, the gate will shut. After that noone but noone can go in. I've seen parents push their kids in through the last little gap in the closing gate and throw their school bags over. Or, in some cases, throw a bag of crisps and biscuits over, shouting out to the security guard to let their children pick it up. It's monstrous what happens. There is a teacher or there may be a couple of teachers who stand inside the gate but they just stand there looking on.

Yesterday, I was witness to this very sad and disturbing sight. As the gate started to close, a scooter came in fast with a tiny little girl all spruced and shining standing in the front. The father, seeing the gate close, pushed the girl off the scooter and grabbed her satchel, simultaneously putting the scooter on the stand. He shouted to the guard to hang on for just a minute. Mind you the gate were closing slowly and the guard was looking at them, but he didn't either help the father or pull the child in or hold the gate. Just as the father reached the gate the last gap closed and he was left outside. The little girl was standing and looking with big eyes at her Dad. The father shouted and begged and pleaded to no avail. Thing is it's been raining here and in some parts of the city, one rain is enough to flood the whole area. This man and his family probably live in one such area that was flooded. So to get out of the house and get his kid onto the scooter without the child getting very wet, possibly took time. Maneuvering through the flooded roads also would not have been easy. The man was trying to tell the guard all this - he was pleading with the teachers too...in vain. The gate remained ominously shut.

I was walking back from the gym when I saw this happening. I stood near the scooter for a while and then moved a bit and again stood watching and hoping and praying the guard would allow the little one in. I saw the distress on the child's face - seeing her father like that couldn't have been good for her. I walked slowly down the road, and kept looking back. Did this till the end of the road. But, and here's the thing - I should have gone to the child. I could have stood by the scooter and been a support for the little one. I didn't do it. There were many parents standing around. If they had all got together they may have been able to do something. At least someone could have pushed the child in through the gate and the satchel could have been thrown over the gate. But noone moved. Was I scared of the parents who were looking on, fearing a mob mentality? Was I afraid of helping seeing as of late whenever anyone protests they get beaten up by bystanders? All I know is that I was distressed beyond measure and cursed myself for not standing there - I could have done that...just showed a silent solidarity in the face of this kind of inhuman-ness. So is it that while I can talk about how callous the school system is, discus how terribly children are treated in our schools, and argue and debate a whole lot of other child-related issues, I could not do this one simple thing of standing by?

But I will never do this again, if Life gives me another chance. Words are necessary, yes, but actions are more necessary. As my DD told me, if they had not accepted my help, fine, but at least I could have shown them that someone cared. I had to be there, in that place, to show them I cared, not walk away feeling miserable and devastated by that terribly distressing sight. There are excuses and reasonings aplenty but not one will hold in the face of that little girl's heartbreak at not being able to get inside the school and her father's distress...(God help her if there was a test scheduled for that day...because she would, in all probability, be given a zero, seeing as how inhuman the school is).

A lesson...

that I'm learning over and over again....a lesson that is proving right every single time too!

In order to make life a little easier, I have a network of support staff - my DD had insisted I do this, and though it was a little difficult to put together, I've managed to get my network in place. This includes a gardener, a plumber, an electrician, and even a building contractor who has the manpower to help out with the inevitable demands of a home, since something or the other is bound to go wrong now and again...

However, as it is happens, sometimes, things don't work out as they should.

Result: frustration leading to irritation leading to, in some cases, breaking off with that particular person and getting someone else in his place, or getting into an argument with a totally unsatisfactory and unhappy exchange of charges...

I've discovered, again, much to my frustration, that replacing someone does not usually work. For one thing, I have to make a whole lot of explanations, and then, invariably, I find that the replacement is worse than the person he has replaced. So, dead end....and the whole unhappy cycle again.

An argument does not work out, because the support staff will always have the upper hand seeing as I'm the one who needs them! Plus, an argument or an angry exchange of charges does not leave a loophole to escape from or retract into or come to an understanding of sorts, so that we can go on.

And so I've learned that when something goes wrong, the best is to fix it myself if I can, or if I can't, first give myself a period of letting of steam, then approach the same person to fix or rectify the problem.

This is not only for people. Have you seen that when you try to solve an issue, often the solution makes the problem worse....? Tried to clean a tiny stain? Chances are that after your efforts, it looks worse! This has happened times without number to me...

No matter what, the thing to remember is that nor people nor things are perfect...we aren't, either....and so we need to create a space around those we deal with and also around ourselves. A space for maneuvering...

9&3/4s of the time...

when Person A tells Person B what they have done, or what they want to do, or what they do, Person B will give his two- three- six-penny bit and say - why don't you do it this way or why don't you this, or, this is cheaper, or this is better, or this is the what I did and it came out tops, or oh! you have a lot of money is it?, or well, this is how I would have done this, but it's your call...and so on and so forth......
......very difficult to accept and acknowledge what Person A tries to do or does. Very difficult even to just listen without adding or subtracting something.

WHY?

Why can we not just accept what someone is telling us....why do we always have to say something. Why can we just not listen quietly....why do we feel we have to contribute our mite - be it our experience or the experience of someone we know, or even something we have read...WHY? Why can we not give our full attention to what the person is telling us or trying to tell us. Why do we feel we have to give our advice or share our wisdom? If we feel there is a genuine issue, then we can find a way to gently ease our experience/insight/wisdom into the conversation without making that person feel small or ignorant or foolish. But that is a big IF.....doesn't have to be done. It is absolutely okay not to always contribute to a conversation unless you feel it is adding to it, or improving the general atmosphere. People like to find out for themselves that they may be wrong or there is a better way to doing something. The key phrase is: find out for themselves. Most of the time, people just like to know that there is someone they can share with....that's all - they are more than ready to do the rest themselves, or find out whatever it is for themselves.

Always trying to correct a person or give your suggestion as being better is very likely to leave that person feeling alone or sad or different...

Believe me. I've been at the receiving end and so now am very careful that I do not, even inadvertently, try to give my two-penny bit/wisdom/advice. It's working and that's why I'm sharing this - it's making me feel better and not a Miss know-all!!! and better still, it's keeping the atmosphere peaceful....

Try it....

I think, above all, it is important to protect another person's feeling of self-worth and self-esteem...

Continuing...

with the need to look at the colors within us, here is something from Iyanala Vanzant -


'You must filter through the layers of your mind on a daily basis just to make sure that you are not lost in the fog of yesterday.'


Let the colors come through. Never mind if sometimes, the colors are dull or dark or grey. Just keep checking. Once you realize that your inner colors are pulling you down and darkening your inner landscape, you can do something about it - lighten it, erase it, clean the palette.................and get the brushes of your mind and heart ready to splash some bright colors on this new layer of your mind...

We've often heard...

of how rigidity kills. Rigidity is not only about being inflexible in our thinking. Rigidity can also express itself in the way we treat ourselves - if we are harsh and severe with ourselves, that is also rigidity....and this will maim and eventually kill us. While a certain amount of austerity - as opposed to ostentation - is charming, a relentless pursuit of austerity will gradually ossify our minds and distort us...

I discovered the amazing Shel Silverstein this morning. The poster below, is one that has been created from a saying of his in 'Where the Sidewalk Ends'.

It set me thinking...

In our daily living, often becoming rigid in our habits of housekeeping and working, and even in our grocery shopping, I realized that the predominant color of our lives, after a bit, becomes a dull grey. If we don't pay attention to ourselves, this grey-ness seeps into every nook and cranny of our soul and the whole of us becomes greyer...and relentlessly greyer...

PAUSE

We need to look at all the colors inside of ourself, for we all have colors inside us. The colors that we have tried to suppress, the colors that we have denied as being inside us, the colors that we dream about for ourselves....the colors that we know we have but which the world doesn't know we have....

and slowly let these colors come through...