Something we have to diligently strive for...

is to keep our minds still.

Here is a charming story with a great truth.

All Zen masters teach us to still our minds. It is only when the mind is still that it becomes clear.....only then can we see things distinctly and positively.....only then will things people say and do that agitate us quieten down and reality and truth surface...only then will problems and issues that uselessly clutter our mind drift away...

Like the muddy water just quietly remains where it is till the mud sinks to the bottom, we need to quietly remain where we are - no need to run around or rack our brains, or churn our minds and hearts - or talk and discuss and debate and argue...just stay still and the disturbance will sink leaving the mind crystal clear again....the way it should be. This is a patience that needs to be cultivated. It's difficult but can be done....can be worked on....we have to, have to, have to carefully and ceaselessly cultivate the patience to wait till we become still in every part of us - internal and external. Let go of everything that might push itself into the mind at this time...leave off and let everything just settle down...

The will...

to live or die.....and the pain involved...

Pulitzer-winning poet Galway Kinnell (1 February 1927–28 October 2014) addressed this elemental question of existence with extraordinary compassion and spiritual grace in a poem.

WAIT

    Wait, for now.

    Distrust everything, if you have to.

    But trust the hours. Haven’t they

    carried you everywhere, up to now?

    Personal events will become interesting again.

    Hair will become interesting.

    Pain will become interesting.

    Buds that open out of season will become lovely again.

    Second-hand gloves will become lovely again,

    their memories are what give them

    the need for other hands. And the desolation

    of lovers is the same: that enormous emptiness

    carved out of such tiny beings as we are

    asks to be filled; the need

    for the new love is faithfulness to the old.

    Wait.

    Don’t go too early.

    You’re tired. But everyone’s tired.

    But no one is tired enough.

    Only wait a while and listen.

    Music of hair,

    Music of pain,

    music of looms weaving all our loves again.

    Be there to hear it, it will be the only time,

    most of all to hear,

    the flute of your whole existence,

    rehearsed by the sorrows, play itself into total exhaustion.

(I got this from Brain Pickings)

Something to learn...

and pursue diligently...

I do believe this is the only way, not only to grow as a person, but also to not let anything ruffle my mind, or spoil its peace.

It is necessary at times to make a break with someone or some situation you have been in which you realize now has swamped who you really are...How can you be true to yourself if you are turning yourself inside out and upside down trying to be true to everyone and every situation just because you do not want to upset the boat, or be hurtful...What happens to your feelings/what you really want to do and be/your happiness/your peace?

It is better to, in your own way, separate yourself from anything or anyone who drags you down, or you find yourself in a position that is painful to you...that you know you do not enjoy....Momentarily, it may cause pain to do this, but in the long run it will be good for you....and, for all you know, it will end up being good for the other person too, and improve the situation you walked away from....

You have only you, so start looking after you....and remember we can be what we want to be. Quoting George Eliot: “It is never too late to be who you might have been.”

President Obama said...

a very important thing, among many others, in the Commencement speech he gave at Rutgers.

He said, "In politics and in life, ignorance is not a virtue."

Somehow this statement struck deep. And, how true it is.

How often I find myself saying I don't know this or that, and leaving it there, instead of taking the trouble to find out about what it is that I don't know. Yet, I know that when something or someone has caught my interest and I feel I want to know more about it or him/her, I take a lot of time and trouble going through the Internet, searching and searching till I feel satisfied with what I have learnt.

I now believe that this is something I need to do about everything that I do not know about.

Thanks to the Internet a huge, huge amount of knowledge is available. Some of the information on a subject you are studying may be erroneous, but there are very many more sites that offer correct, accurate and extensive knowledge on the subject. One just has to search. Of course it is going to require time and effort, but then that is what learning is all about, isn't it? And think of how much more you will know...! I have started doing this and little by little am extending the boundaries of my knowledge. What I am finding fascinating is that besides learning more, my head does not feel cluttered, as it does when it is going round and round in circles about something that all I needed to do was to find out more about...And, the time factor loses its hold over me. Knowing more is a liberating feeling, believe me. Another wonderful thing is that one thing leads to another and you end up knowing more about a lot of other things - associated or far removed, even - from the topic of your search. The desire to know and learn also helps in analytical skills and decision making. Decision making and analyzing is important in the tiniest things that affect our lives - these are not words that are only for the 'important', 'big', and 'serious' issues of life. Knowing about things - big, small, serious, foolish, good, bad, silly, inconsequential, necessary - expands our knowledge base and knowing more always comes in handy....in every area of life...every single area of life and living...

No matter how often we turn our heads away from political matters out of disinterest or ununderstanding, politics is important. It IS important to know what is happening in our city, our state, our country and in the world at large. It IS important to know what national and world leaders are thinking. It IS important to be able to grasp the workings of our country and the world. Why do we need to do this? It is only when we force ourselves to take an interest in the politics of our country and other countries that we can form informed opinions about our country and the world, and the people who shape our country and the other countries of the world. Why? Among a lot of advantages, let us just say that the very exercise of finding out and understanding will benefit us...

If we take the trouble - and it's really not all that much trouble -  to find out even about things that don't really interest us, or are not our cup of tea, or are not going to affect us, or we feel don't have a place in our lives, just the taking of that trouble will expand our minds. Going in the same mental route will eventually make our minds very small, as will having the attitude of 'what I know is enough'. This in turn will most definitely have a bearing on the quality of our lives. As people there is every chance that we will find ourselves becoming smaller and narrower in our outlook on life. In fact, slowly but surely we will shut ourselves off from the beauty and grandeur of Life.

The whole quality of our lives is bound to change for the better if we decide that we need to know....know more about the things that directly affect us....know more about the world we live in....get to know the issues that face our country.....just know for the sake and pleasure of knowing...

Ending with a quote from my favorite author, Maya Angelou.

"My mother said I must always be intolerant of ignorance......"

Think on this...

If one has no time, one has also lost oneself.


So why don't we have time? Are we

• so caught up with the daily routine and round of duties...
• in a hurry to get things out of the way, one after another, so that we can move on to something that again needs to be done to get it out of the way...
• caught up in the belief that unless we are constantly doing something we are wasting time, our talents, money - somebody's or our own...
• under the impression that our self-image depends on what all we do, and how much we can accomplish in a day...
• holding on to this: we have to account for every moment of every day by actually showing something for all the efforts we have put in every second of the day...
• by some parameter, that we have arrived upon, deciding what is important and not important, or who is important or not important so that we can apportion our time to tasks and people accordingly...
• in the middle of all this, also passing judgements on ourselves? our looks, our talents, our capabilities....

....all the usual arguments


In all this physical rushing around and mental acrobatics, are we

• aware of ourselves? the way our heart ticks? the things our body needs? our actual strengths?
• aware of the children/people around us who need us - just now - for something?
• conscious of the fact that we are a part of the Universe and somewhere, someone needs our energies and thoughts and prayers?

....what is left of us?

We have lost touch with ourselves.
We have lost the contact with our inner core.
We are no longer at home in the only home we actually have which is our own self.
And gradually we see that we really are not giving of our best to any one thing or person because we are rushing around so, from task to task and person to person. We are the most available people to everyone and for everything...but of no use to our own self, for, when we suddenly find ourselves in the stillness of the night face to face with our own self..our reality...what do we find?


We have to

• be grateful for our life, our individual gifts, talents...
• accept that we are who we are for a very specific, customized purpose...
• protect our time...
• spend time nourishing our soul...our inner life...
• learn to be ourself and love being ourself...
• remember that there is no need to copy anyone. We are, each one, a separate, distinct individual...We can change ourself, but not to become anyone else, but better copies of our own self...
• work regular hours. If something is left over, leave it for the next round of fixed working hours; if it gets bad - well, it wasnt' meant to be and if it stays, then it was meant to get attended to...
• read books, watch movies, walk in the rain...
• pray...
• switch off all devices at certain times of the day and reconnect to our core...
• wear purple...Do whatever we want to...would love to do...pine to do...

Two centuries ago, Danish philosopher Kierkegaard lamented our greatest source of unhappiness — “Of all ridiculous things,” he wrote, “the most ridiculous seems to me, to be busy.”

Profound words...

that popped up during my meditation reading: "Human trafficking is what happened to you. It's not who you are."

Substitute 'human trafficking' for anything - any action or words, too - that may have happened to make you feel insecure, scared, unsure, weighed down, deeply sad, anxious....something so unfair that happened to you to make you feel like this was the end of your road, that there is nothing more in life, that your life has been and is, in your eyes, futile, and that you don't see any change happening to make your life easier or more peaceful, or dare we say, happier...

Repeat - This is something that is happening TO me. It's not who I am. It's not who I believe I am, and it's not who I know myself to be. Then, force your mind back to one happy memory (or more) - stick to it and with it. You'll see that slowly, maybe, but surely, you will get back your centre of gravity and your focus...

Caution: the first set of feelings will not get displaced easily. In fact, they will keep trying to seep into your consciousness and into your heart. So, keep repeating the other set of words and they will finally totally displace what is hurtful and ruinous.

The good thing is that you feel strong....and get stronger...

Some thoughts...

on Freedom.

Why Freedom? Because the answers to our inner quests, a feeling of relief from inner pain, and the desire to be just who we are, unapologetically (not crudely) lie in this one thing....freedom.

My search led me to what James Baldwin writes:

Freedom is not something that anybody can be given; freedom is something people take and people are as free as they want to be. One hasn’t got to have an enormous military machine in order to be un-free when it’s simpler to be asleep, when it’s simpler to be apathetic, when it’s simpler, in fact, not to want to be free, to think that something else is more important.

See, freedom has to be deeply and single-mindedly desired.....and then it has to be fiercely and diligently worked towards....

Not easy.

Easier to just blame fate.... Drift along with whatever tide one finds oneself in..... Think we are not important, and our lives are not worth a damn anyway..... Let others take all the decisions, make all the plans take all the initiatives....It's easier....

Why express our inner feelings which may lead to uncomfortable moments? Why come out of anaesthetized moments?

Because even one moment of real personal freedom would be worth it all.....

Baldwin says, 'One is only as free as one wants to be.' Though difficult to come by, and one has to work very hard - no, desperately hard - for every moment of freedom, I think....I believe it will be worth the effort....

And if you ask why freedom is so important, the answer ---- when you are hurting inside of yourself, when you feel dissatisfied with the way your life is going, when you feel trapped emotionally and psychologically ------ that is your soul wanting to be free.

Continuing with the topic of aging...

Got some deadly advice from my DD yesterday. At 65, she said I should be caring a rat's ass about a lot of hitherto considered 'serious' issues and concentrating on being a total badass....

The rider is that I must first clean out the clutter in my head. Thich Nhat Hanh says: People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. True. Debris from past hurts, words that put me down and raise the ugly head of insecurity, unanswered questions, doubts that have built up into fears, unsureness, due to my age, leading to regressive thoughts, thoughts that break me down, and modes of thinking that don't let me go on ahead or hold me back from trying to fight my fears and insecurities, conflicting, suffering-producing thoughts that end up pulling me down......all these have to go...have to be cleaned out.

Fantastically releasing..........and I intend to start cleaning up right now.....

(Secret: Not sure how it works, but I am definitely determined to learn. Starting with the delicious dream of becoming a total badass, I resolve to work towards making the dream a reality!!!!!! Now there's something to look forward to, right?!)

So, cheers to badasses and those on the way to becoming badasses!

Reconciling...

with our aging bodies with grace is hard enough and needs a lot of will power, practice, positive thinking and Zen, but, what is definitely harder to do is to harmonize the external and the internal. You feel young on the inside - You hear music that makes your fingers snap to the beat and your feet itch to move - the whole of you wants to blend with the music and dance..but...... You see an outfit that looks and feels definitely you, and then it gradually dawns on you that you are the wrong size and the dress is clearly the wrong style for you..and so..... There's that yum mud pie just calling out to you..but..... and so it goes. You are absolutely young on the inside, but the outside doesn't match up.... This is the greatest conundrum for those of us who find ourselves on the wrong side of 50...60...70... And, this is where gentleness comes in. The reconciling has to be done not only with grace, but with gentleness...

Some cardinal rules...

I've made out for myself:

1. Treasure and preserve your own personal space, no matter what... Likewise, never encroach on anyone else's personal space.

2. Never give any helpful tips or offer solutions when someone comes to you in tears, with a problem or because he/she feels they are in serious trouble UNLESS asked to...Often the person just wants a shoulder to lean on.

3. Do not take anyone seriously unless they have proved to be a real friend. By extension, do not take yourself so seriously that you allow yourself to be hurt by someone's random words or actions.

4. Help when you can. Otherwise stay by yourself. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.

5. Give of yourself only if you are certain you will be appreciated and cherished.

6. It's better to be alone than with people who sap your energy, don't take you seriously, are not interested in getting to know you, and in whose company you have to be someone else in order to be accepted. Resist, with all your might, anyone who tries or may try to control you.....even in the tiniest way.

7. Always be you - become a better and better you....and never bargain yourself away.

8. Work towards coming to terms with yourself and making peace with yourself.

9. The only thing that matters is your inner energy...direct it, at all times, to work for you - to keep you calm and on an even keel....to remind you of who you are (not in judgment, but in love)....to keep you centered.

10. You are responsible only for your children and for your own self. Towards everyone else, act responsibly.

Finally, here are 2 mantras for life -
1. To each his own...for we do not know another's exigencies or pressures
and
2. There, but for the grace of God, go I....don't be judgmental, for that person could have been you

Gentleness...

is a word with great depth of meaning for me. In fact, I would rate gentleness and kindness among the qualities I try to cultivate assiduously. These are also qualities I look for in others...they are certainly deciders for me... Of course if one has been badly hurt, these qualities are not going to be anywhere on the horizon - not in the being of them, not in the giving of them and not in the receiving of them. But then, comes a time when one cannot hang on to past grievances and hurts. They start to weigh down the soul and heart. Then you know, for your own good, it is better to let these go. Letting go of past hurts without having solved them or resolved them is not easy - at all. But, how long can you go on with a weight on your heart? How long can you hang on to something that is probably never going to get resolved? How long can you be a victim, searching for and wanting an elusive justice? How much longer are you going to wait to be reassured that you have your own place in the sun, even though everything points to that, and you are just refusing to see it because you are hanging on to something that happened, that cannot be undone, and that cannot be cleared up?

Be gentle and kind with yourself. What has happened has happened and even if it is resolved, you cannot get the years that have passed, back...you cannot go back to being who you were at that particular point of time... That time is gone...this time is here and here you are - as you have evolved over the years.... Your insights have changed, your perceptions have changed, everything about you has changed...you are not even that person..you are, in fact, a new person...

It's not easy, but, maybe, knowing we are not alone on this journey towards being gentle and kind with ourselves, will help....we can reach out to each other in the cosmos....we can send our healing and loving feelings across the ether...because the last destination on our journey to the great unknown has to be one of gentleness and kindness...only in this will we find the peace to say hello to each new day, live each moment with gratitude and in the evening when we say our prayers, we can lay our head down and drift into a sweet sleep.....ready for another new day....

Some thoughts...

To make the best of what I have
To make the most of every situation
To light candles and sip wine any time of the day
To dance in the rain
To wear purple

And,

To ensure -
Cultured speech
Civilized behaviour
Aesthetics in daily life

Once again...

Harsh, cold, clinical, self-centered words
Have sprinkled ash on my heart
Leaving it writhing in pain....
It happens so often

Only, this time, it seems once too much...

The colors of my world have got buried
Under the cold ash
And the irrepressible colors of the landscape of my heart
Have turned to bleak - black - white - grey...


And then, once again, my backbone straightens

I am forced to stand and throw my shoulders back
Raise my eyes and look straight....look up
Scrub the pain down and clean my heart
So that bright colors can find their reflection anew...

I may be a little more bashed up, a little more pared
A little more cautious, a little more reserved
A little more quietly alone
But, I have got to my feet.......once more....