cannot be pleasant?
cannot observe basic courtesies?
cannot be civil?
need to show one up-manship?
cannot keep our yards clean?
are so loud?
cannot respect other people's privacy?
think that what we think is the only way to think?
trash out of hand other people's opinions?
are so opinionated?
do not simply feel the need to obey rules and regulations?
do not have any respect for the law?
feel proud when we circumvent the law?
believe that the only law is the parallel law that finds loopholes in the law of the land?
have no regard for anyone?
have this disconnect between mind and action?
if we have money, feel that we are above all moral, ethical and social norms?
Our school party - 80 of us adults and children, were to go to Kerala by train recently. The route was one we had never been on - it was all along the Konkan coast. In fact, this rail route was created entirely by Indians in independent India. There was great excitement, because we realized that we would get to see a part of the country that we had never seen. Also, we would be travelling in a train after a very long time. We were to board the Netravati Express, Bombay to Trivandrum, at a place called Chiplun, about 4 hours from Panchgani. By the time we reached Chiplun, we felt that we were on an adventure! Impatiently we waited for the train, and at last it came - a little late. We were booked in the 2nd class, 3-tier sleeper coach. With great enthusiasm we boarded the train, but here we had our first disappointment - the compartment was quite dirty. Even though the train had started from Bombay which was just a few hours from Chiplun, it was obvious that the compartment had not been cleaned before the train left Bombay. The berths were dusty, the window panes were smudgy, and the window sills and floor were positively grimy. The bathroom too had not been cleaned. Anyway, our enthusiasm and excitement carried us over this hurdle and we managed to make ourselves comfortable. Lots to learn from children - they immediately got down to playing games and listening to music, cutting out, as it were, the squalor of the environment in which they found themselves. As adults, though, we felt bad that this was the kind of deal the kids got, because having seen and experienced this kind of indifference and dirtiness, what kind of standards would be getting formed in their young minds? what kind of standards were we teaching them to accept? To our utter dismay, we realized that this was only the first day-there was so much of the journey left---. Soon it was time for a meal, and though we were served our food in aluminium foil containers, there was no bin to throw the containers after we had finished. We saw that others were throwing their containers out of the window. Though we had taken bottled water with us, we saw that there was no place to discard the empty bottles either. Fortunately, our tour operator gave us a cardboard container to throw our empty food containers and bottles. But what of the other passengers? They were throwing their containers and packets out of the window. Mind you we were going through some very, very beautiful countryside. Not to mention the engineering feat that had created this railway route. Tunnels through the Western Ghats, misty mountains all around us, rain-drenched rice fields, forests, lakes - absolutely gorgeous - . The discomfort of unclean surroundings continued through the night. At one point the fans stopped working, and then when that was repaired, the lights wouldn't go off. It was so difficult to even close the eyes, till a kind soul taped some newspaper on top of the light so that the glare at least was cut off. The stations too were so dirty - and unclean. Why? Why? Why? what have we reduced ourselves to as a people? I cannot subscribe to the theory of 'adjust' or 'we are like that only' or 'what to do' - we need not 'adjust' or be 'like that only' or not do anything--there is a lot we can do. And we make all kinds of claims about ourselves as Indians--that we belong to an old civilization, that we are a tolerant people, that cleanliness is godliness, that we have a great heritage and culture etc etc etc. What has happened to us that we have no standards at all, forget about high standards, that we have no personal pride, forget about national pride, that we don't care about how our children are growing up, forget about the rest of the people of our country, that actually we are a sub-culture, forget about old culture, that we have no self-respect, forget respect for the world that God has created, that we are intolerant of our different-from-us-neighbour forget tolerance for all mankind, that we cannot look beyond our nose, forget about the next generation, that we shout from the rooftops about our rich legacy, but to hell with the legacy that we are creating, that we have great ideals, of great men, but do not live by any ideals at all? Just where are we headed? That train journey really brought home many uncomfortable facts about ourselves as a people and our country. Truly, what India are we creating for the generations to come?
This is something which comes home to me again and again - the importance of communication. And yet, this is such a hard thing to do, because there are shades and shades of communication. Communication varies from relationship to relationship, and it is important to know the difference between different relationships. Of course the ground rule is that communication should be direct, clear and complete. Any kind of ambiguity or leaving things unsaid, can cause huge misunderstandings, and even pain. Tone matters too, because the best communication in the world can get spoilt if the tone is not right - and tone depends on feelings. Which means that the feelings have to be right. The thinking has to be right. Which goes back to the indisputable fact that there has to be total conjunction between mind and heart. if there is a difference in their alignment, the communication comes across as false and maybe painful.
However, what I wanted to share was the communication of the pilot of the Spice Jet plane we travelled in from Bombay to Calcutta. Captain Paulson was the commander of the plane. During the flight he communicated with the passengers--telling us about the height at which the plane was flying, etc-----the usual announcements that a pilot makes. Only, Captain Paulson's announcements were clear, and distinct. He made the experience of flying real and he made the passengers feel good for having chosen Spice Jet. The only other pilot I can remember who had the same effect was Captain Bobby of an Air Lanka flight that we had been on many years ago from Muscat to Madras via Colombo. They might have been doing their job, but they did it in a manner that it made a difference....
Of course at times, it would be better not to communicate--to just be silent. If another heart hears the heartbeat of that silence, it makes for a wonderfully warm feeling. If that doesn't happen, if another cannot hear your heartbeat, let the silence cover the hurt and heal from within. As someone once told me long years ago, words can create wounds that take ages to heal and often leave painful scars, unlike broken bones that can be set right away.
This is an emotion that all of us have experienced at some time or the other, and more times that just once. It is that dreadful emotion that fills our being when our well-being and emotional security is threatened. The physical manifestations are painful. Deep painful breaths, pain in the abdomen, blurred vision, aching head, palpitating heart....each person has his own set of symptoms to match this awful, awful feeling. It is a feeling of helplessness in the face of a steam-rollering event that life puts in our way. The only way to deal with this most dreadful and almost killing emotion is, to first of all, if you can, take deep breaths. If you cannot do this naturally, then consciously force yourself to do this. Just sit down, close your eyes, and one breath at a time, force yourself to breathe in deeply and then exhale. The one thing that you have to remember is that you have to force yourself to do what it takes to cope with this emotion. Another thing is to leave the cause of the fear alone, till you can come back to it in a calmer state of mind. Your whole being wants you to react impulsively. Stop right there. Do not react. Just wait. Just wait till you have got your breath back, and you are in a calmer state of mind. You can only respond to fear if you are calm. Calmness allows clear-thinking. This way the margin for errors will be less, or may even not be there at all. Force yourself not to hurry. We often feel that if we hurry through a fearsome situation, it will go away. It won’t....it will play itself out. So again, force yourself not to hurry. Whatever you are planning to do to respond to this fearsome situation, must be done with deliberation. Slowly, with steadiness and circumspection. You will need to examine the incident from all angles. To do this, you cannot be in a hurry. You will need to force your mind to examine every tiny avenue that opens up. Your physical condition will hamper you, because of the various hormones that are being secreted—your body is also making its own adjustments to the situation it finds itself in. Your concentration should be on the mind. Force the mind to steady. Very, very importantly, keep to the daily routine. The daily chores, the daily round of duties, and routine are the best medication and restoratives ever. Force yourself not to deviate from routine, or break the daily round of duties. Carry on doing what has to be done, and what you normally do, whether it is reading the papers, or washing the dishes, or going for a walk. Physical exercise always helps. If you can, the best thing is to go for long walks. It really clears the mind – cleans it up too of all the negativeness that accompanies fear. Force yourself to do this. Force yourself not to let anything negative enter your mind. Your mind already has the situation on hand to cope with.......Slowly, but surely, you will find yourself becoming steady, calm and the thinking becomes clear and focussed. The fearsome situation will pass in its own time—not one second before or one second after. The next thing, then, is to force yourself to sit out one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time, and so on.....it will pass. But, it will pass only when it is time for it to pass. Force yourself to carry on in spite of----you WILL find the strength to do so. A very comforting thought that helps is to tell yourself that what is happening has a reason, even though you cannot see it just at that time. If you cannot find comfort in telling yourself this, force yourself to repeat that what is happening is happening for a reason. Later, you will see that that very reason will make you a better person, a wiser person, and a more understanding person.
If you are a believer, it is comforting to know that you will never be tested beyond your strength...you will have to find that strength in the depths of your being, and you WILL find it.
The best thing about being over 50 is that you don't have to impress anyone anymore. You can actually spend time trying to find out who you are deep down, and try to be the person you want to be, or are....all that experience and wisdom you gained getting here is to be used to re-invent and re-affirm yourself....and not to shove down the throats of the young, nor to change the world......NOW IS THE TIME TO HAVE THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Now is the time to sit back and enjoy the years that are left to you--to do and be all that you wanted. Now is the time to give of yourself to yourself, your family and to those who have stood by you all through the ups and downs of life, especially the downs.
It is true that everything that happens to a person - good and bad- happens at the time that it was supposed to happen. Not one breath early, nor one breath late. It is also true that what happens, happens for a purpose...it is wise to find out what that purpose is...it is also wise to face it with gratitude and fortitude. The Dalai Lama was right - accept whatever happens with gratitude, because it is to teach us something that will enhance our own life, and make it better. Bad and evil have always existed, so that we will be conscious of the good. There is a reason for our existence on this earth and till that is fulfilled, we will have to go through the forge...
Been thinking about this a lot of late.... The most important thing is that I am actually loving the feeling of being over 50....and thank goodness the days of confused youth are over! now, somehow I feel that there is no tension in me. No more unwanted competition; and, nasty criticism and unfair censure don't bother as much..don't feel the need to get uptight about anything anymore. What I'm loving is the feeling of a kind of freedom that I feel in my head and heart. A lot of things are becoming clearer - for instance - certain words of wisdom like - 'This too shall pass' was something I didn't have the patience for. In fact, patience as a virtue was clearly not something that I had in great quantities. Now, though, I don't feel the need to be impatient--somehow it has sunk in that whatever happens, happens because it has to happen, this was the time for it to happen, and there is precious little I can do about it. It is also a great lesson I learnt that one needs to take only 1 step at a time-----not even one day. Just one step--one foot in front of the other. Just one bit at a time of the task in hand. Best thing is that it works! Learn to be kind to yourself was something that I had read about but it was difficult to do as I’d grown up with a very strong sense of duty, and should and shouldn’ts, great moral uprightness and the whole caboodle of sin....I guess that is what happens when you one is a preacher’s kid...somehow these don’t seem dreadfully important. It’s not that one is going to go on a rampage anymore, but there is no desire to be judgemental either about myself or about anybody else---to find reasons for things not working out, and to be negative, doesn’t seem worth the mental effort....it seems much easier to face a problem head on and find solutions which would work best....there is so much more that is opening out in my head and heart...so many things that I am learning all of a sudden. I guess this freedom is also because one is at that stage in life when there are not too many financial commitments. The child, too, has flown out of the nest....now relationships are redefining themselves---and it is for the better and more fulfilling, and there are new commitments....For one, I never knew that my daughter would be such a good friend and that there would be a deep understanding without any words..Old relationships are bringing in new kinds of commitments. Things that seemed so frightfully important don’t seem so now. There is nothing to get frantic about either...it is also very amazing how the meaning of enjoyment has also changed. Now all that one needs to enjoy oneself are very simple, very much less non-material, and of quite a different nature altogether...it is enough to just be. It is enough to just sit and look at the world go by. And while one is sorely tempted to tell the younger lot not to run around and fuss so, one can actually just let it pass. There is not that urge to right all the wrongs of the world, but to enjoy the world as it is...there is not the urge to rush through a book but to savour it and relish it. You realize that solitude can actually be enjoyed and that you don’t need to have empty hours, and fill those hours with noise or company....you can be by yourself and enjoy it, and not be frightened of the alone-ness....the craving is completely gone—for anything. In fact one feels a sense of gratitude for what comes one’s way...there is an excitement too in this new phase. That, I guess, is where the beauty is....I am very impressed by and influenced by Rita Levi Montalcini. She is a Nobel Prize-winning scientist, who on her 100th birthday on April 18th, 2009, said that her mind is sharper now than it was when she was 20! Two sentences stood out for me—
“Above all, don’t fear difficult moments,” she said. “The best comes from them”
&
Her white hair elegantly coiffed and wearing a smart navy blue suit, she raised a glass of sparkling wine to toast her long life.
I think this sums it all---keep your mind gainfully employed and active, make sure your heart is in the right place, don’t roost on the past—get on and get a life, and make every day of living an elegant experience.