Identity...

I recently listened to Pico Iyer's analysis of the real home of a person living abroad, on TED talks. (http://www.ted.com/talks/pico_iyer_where_is_home/transcript?language=en)

I stretched it to the identity of a person who lives in a place other than the place he 'belongs to'. This is something many of us face in our country - our parents leave their homes in their 'native' State and set up home in another State. The children grow up here with just an idea of their 'native' State. They go to study in a third State and probably end up working in a fourth State. Come time for marriage and setting up their own home, they may choose a partner from a different State. Finally, when it's time to retire, they may decide to settle down in quite another State! We are fluent in at least three languages, and quite naturally absorb the culture of each place we live in. So, when asked (as most Indians do on the first meeting!) : Where exactly are you from? or, Where exactly is your home?, the question of identity rears its head. Now if we can think of our identity as a mosaic, then there is no confusion in our mind. The colors that we give these pieces, and the patterns that we create as we blend all these cultures, gives us our own unique beautiful identity. Our identity then becomes a work in progress with constant upgrades, corrections and improvements - and no single piece in the pattern is cast aside as being inferior...no single piece can claim superiority either...

Something to ponder over...

Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live.
~ Daniell Koepke

A thoughtless remark...

especially from someone who you believe is close to you, and who has thus far professed to understand you, is almost killing. Without our wanting to, or trying to, often these words keep going round and round in our minds pulling us down and further down into terrible depths. Good memories get juxtaposed with this thoughtless remark, and suddenly other such remarks made in the past - maybe the distant past - also surface, adding to the hurt.

Having been through such a process, I read whatever I could find that would help me understand this pain, and worked on ways of getting around it.

Am sharing what I found - it will not work immediately all the time, but it puts you on that path, and sooner or later you will be able to get it out of your system....sometimes, though, it does work right away.....

First of all, think.....We have allowed those words and feelings and thoughts to creep in and take over the space in our mind. Hence, our feeling of hurt is something that we create.

Second, when these hurt feelings come in with all their attending distress, we start defending ourselves, or castigating ourselves, and end up in a state of total despair, further clouding our mind, and allowing these feelings to sink into our hearts, till we almost feel incapacitated. The person, though, who started off this chain, has in all probability forgotten about it, or does not care what effect those words may have had, or is hitting out because of his/her own personal hurt.

So, then what do we do to break this whole pattern. Tell ourselves that this is just an illusion. Okay, they have come into our mind, but we have the power to let them go - to release them, and not hang on to them, or allow them to stay even for teeny bit of time in our mind. And, very importantly, this will also remove that person from our mind, thus preventing us from reacting. Reacting to a hurt by retaliation or blame just adds to the whole painful experience. Think about it - we will analyze and cry and go back over and over the whole sorry episode, but at the end, we have to fix ourselves. NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR US - not even the dearest friend can fix us - they can be there for us, but the fixing is something we have to do ourselves. AND, what is more important? The hurtful words and the insensitivity or the peace of our mind? Who is more important? The person who caused this, or us?

First things first - DO NOT ACT. DO NOT SAY A SINGLE WORD. DO NOT RESPOND IN ANY WAY.

Then, walk away - walk away from the pain AND from the person who caused it.

Finally, use all of your time to care for yourself, and restore peace and tranquility in your mind.

Is there someone...

a friend perhaps - someone who you thought was close enough to you to be counted as someone important to you and your life - who you have realized does not care for you the way you care for them? Are you hanging on to this person - maybe because of some insecurity inside you? or maybe because of a strong feeling of loyalty? or maybe because it's become a habit to have this person in your life and you are willing and ready to make all kinds of excuses to keep him/her there? Do you find yourself rationalizing all the things said or done unkindly to you by this person? Again - is this because of a strong inbuilt sense of loyalty, or because it's a habit, or because the need is in you, even though this friend has been hurtful, or insensitive, or insisted that his/her views were best for you and your gut feeling said otherwise?

Time to stop and examine this. This is not easy - in fact it is painful, very, very painful, especially because it would involve your analyzing yourself as well....your facing up to certain not-so-wonderful facts about yourself but which add up to make you YOU...in which case it is time to let go of this friend....and equally difficult - face up to yourself, love yourself, in short, fix yourself, and get back your own self-worth by yourself.

Today, take a new life trail...

The next time you get offended or feel hurt...

STOP. Why get all worked up? This is a person who is passing judgment and criticism. He is throwing out harsh words and unkindness.

But-----

It is not the end of the world. It is certainly not the end of your world. It's not worth even spending a moment on what that person said, or indeed that person himself/herself.

If you have felt the stirrings of anger, or have felt offended, or upset, or angry, or as if someone has trod over your heart with hob-nailed boots, or has pushed you away unkindly and hurtfully - THINK. Is this the only option you have? NOOOOOOO you have the option of walking away. Importantly, you have the option of not letting this feeling stay in your beautiful mind-garden for even a breath of time. And even better, you have the option of blocking out this person from your brain and heart and soul. YOU have the option of saying NO. YOU have the option of not living up to anyone's expectations (which actually should be a given). YOU have the option of just letting all these thoughts travel THROUGH your mind - in and out - nothing stays to start growing roots...

So, after this, what? Give yourself a treat. Remind yourself about all the good things that people who really care have said to you about yourself. Do something you want to do. Acknowledge to yourself (and this is the hardest) that you are YOU and you are someone special, you are your own person (no one - not even the closest person owns you) and that you have the spark of Divinity inside of you. Put your arms around yourself and give yourself a tight hug.

YOU get to design your own mood, your feeling of self-worth and your sense of self-esteem. You understand that you do not have to build your life around everyone else. You learn that you have a mind and that you can think for yourself...you can do a great deal for and by yourself no matter who says what....you are not as helpless as you may seem to think you are - just need to tap in and see.....what you have in you is boundless!

This will free you up - and this freedom will help you not to damn anyone and better still, it will not make you a bitter person....you'll still be able to laugh and dance....you will FEEL free!!!

Life...

I think this about sums it...

Don't...

try to find an explanation for everything. Try not to participate in a conversation in which you may have a lot of information or data, because it is just not possible either to have all the information about a topic or have transcendent wisdom about it...and by extension of people...better to be silent and listen, difficult as this may be...for participating in such conversations will only make us feel small......keep us small...

Quoting from Epictetus's philosophy: Judge ideas and opportunities on the basis of whether they are life-giving. Give your assent to that which promotes humaneness, justice, beneficial growth, kindness, possibility, and benefit to the human community.

Be kind with yourself....you don't have to know everything about everything - either information/data or wisdom. Be gentle with yourself....you don't need a reason for that....

Always remember...

you are entitled to your feelings/emotions/thoughts/actions....These go into making you YOU. They have been crafted out of your experiences, they have been born in your heart, they have been worked out and refined in your head, they are being seen by your eyes and felt by your senses, they are part of your soul....So no matter how anyone argues that it's otherwise, or how hard people try to bring you down, or invalidate you, or how insinuatingly someone makes you feel small and insignificant, tell yourself, this is YOU.....Just BE YOU...and don't lose yourself. YOU ARE SPECIAL FOR YOU...

What do wise men mean when they say...

'live for the day', 'live in the moment', or 'live one day at a time'?

Turning this around in my mind, and looking for answers, I came across this one-line, ancient Jewish prayer which immediately struck a chord deep inside me.

I thank You, living and eternal King, Who has returned my soul into me with compassion – great is Your faithfulness! 

This prayer, which thanks God for waking me up, clearly shows that I am given my soul in the morning through God's loving kindness and compassion. It is something I have to be grateful for. My waking up every morning is a miracle....

Now imagine we are also given a clean sheet of paper every morning. On it all that we do or say or feel or think gets drawn into designs. All that we are that day, gets filled in. The watermark on the paper gets the color and shades of our feelings. I feel that if somehow we force ourselves to be conscious of this (till it becomes ingrained) we'll be careful of what goes on that paper that we return to God every night when we go to sleep...

Chances are it will redesign our lives lifting us from the mundane to the holy, from the oblivious to the aware, from the taken-for-granted to the deeply conscious.

Hope this helps...

Learnt a lovely lesson...

from Will Smith:

"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay."

The words that jumped out at me were - Don't chase people. Be yourself.... - How often our loneliness drives us to look for company.....any company....company we are willing to change ourselves for, be what we are not, say things we don't believe in or even think about, do things that we would not normally have done - things that are not 'me'...

To be ourselves is the most difficult thing, for then we may have to walk alone for long distances on the road of life. We may have to unlearn and re-learn a lot of things to sustain us and keep us on an even keel...we may have to undo a lot of received knowledge on how we are to be....we will certainly have to take a deep look, without flinching, into how far we have removed ourselves from ourselves.....but once we get the hang of it, I do believe life becomes easier and pleasanter to live......

Sharing...

The cottage we lived in

The resort as seen from across the lake

some pics of this place we went to for a holiday - Kondai Lip, in Kerala...

The Kayal or lake (a part of the backwaters)

A catamaran

Fixing the fishing net

It's kayals all over - all interconnected

Sunrise