I specifically mention 'girl' here because it is the girl/woman who gives the most and suffers the most in an Indian marriage.
Of course I am not talking about those who have had the guts and strength to opt for a marriage of choice. We also have to remember that our lives, though governed to a large extent by Bollywood, is not a Bollywood film. There are hard facts that have to be accepted and lived.
The Indian girl feels the unfair pressures all the more since it is she who is very hardworking and from a young age learns to combine the demands of home, society and her own education. Sadly, very often it is the last that she has to sacrifice for the other two. She learns bitterly that she has to sacrifice especially her own personality and individuality at every step. She also learns very early on in life that she, as a person, is not important,and has to step back and make innumerable sacrifices for her brothers, younger than her as well as for those older than her.
A very dear friend of mine is currently in the decision-making-before-a wedding time. The most awful time for an Indian girl.
It's worse if the girl has had a modern education, has sane, rational thoughts in her head, and is an independent working girl. It's alarming if she has met a guy with whom she wants to spend the rest of her life. And positively criminal if he does not belong to the same creed, caste, and sub-caste as the girl.
We may be modern India - but that I think is just the superficial layer of the Indian life. The reality, is quite, quite different. And painful.
Even today, unbelievable as it may seem, the fact is that if a girl does not marry a boy belonging to the same community, her life is not worth a sou...
I was talking about this with my husband (ours is a completely unconventional story, so we are well out of this arena), and he told me what he had heard at work. This is the story...
A girl belonging to a conventionally successful North Indian family had gone abroad to study. She met someone there with whom she wanted to get married. He was a conventionally successful lad, but very unfortunately did not belong to the same caste. Naturally the family was in a turmoil. However, so as not to disappoint their daughter, her father went to visit the boy's people. They were nice people, but......that all-important 'but'...
So, the parents appealed to the grandfather. The couple was adamant, but from the point of view of the girl's family, it was a disaster.
The girl came home for a holiday. No one said anything to her. A few days later, after his morning puja, the grandfather sent for the girl to the puja room. And this is what he told her: 'Here in this puja room, the names of all the ancestors of every member of the family (in-laws included) is written, going back 7 generations. And so, when you get married, yours and his ancestors' names, going back 7 generations, will be inscribed. While I may not have a problem with that, will some other member of the family feel bad that his/her ancestors names are in the same room as this boy's? ' Further, to her cry of 'But I love him', the grandfather replied,' What has loving to do with marriage? You can go on loving him. But a marriage is a joining of 2 families - immediate and extended. Every one is involved in every one's life. For all celebrations, functions, and rituals, the whole family gets together. So, will his family feel ostracized? Will he and by extension you be able to handle that? Marriage is a duty that you have to perform. It is a social responsibility. It has nothing to do with feelings, either yours or his.'
And everything changed. The girl wisely chose to go with her grandfather's reasoning...simply because that is actually the way it works here in India.
Marriage is a social duty and an obligation. It has nothing to do with feelings. The Indian girl who realizes this, and accepts this without acrimony or cynicism can still make a success out of her life. Yes, I mean life - because none of us wants to feel that our life has been for nothing...that we have done something good and useful with our lives. And so, within this framework, she can create your life, or get it destroyed...I am not talking about living vicariously through our children. That is a difficult burden for little shoulders to bear, and it is not fair on them or kind to them. I am talking about the Indian girl going deep into her own self and finding hidden there ideas, strengths and values that she can develop; which she MUST develop and so grow.
Of course, one can argue, in any case after marriage, the feelings change. In a love marriage, often couples wonder what happened to all the romanticism that was there before the wedding. After marriage, it is a whole new game - the man who brought champagne and roses, now yells for his breakfast, or his socks. And the woman wonders at what happened to her independence and life. Or, the man who till now lived alone, or with his family, now suddenly has a stranger sharing his home and hearth. And the woman wonders where she has landed. In both cases, the reality has to be contended with. The new reality has to be understood, and new feelings have to created.
A marriage is the birth time of completely new feelings.
Feelings of love and companionship have to be built up and nurtured.In a love marriage, the man and woman see other aspects of each other - the everyday-unromantic-other side. In an arranged marriage, the man and woman see each other for the first time. In both cases, a new life has to be built. If the man and woman in a love marriage are mature enough to accept the complete change, the marriage works. Likewise, in an arranged marriage, if the man and woman are mature enough to handle the new situation at least as friends, the marriage has a chance of succeeding.
In an Indian set-up, it is more often than not the girl who has to make all the adaptions, compromises and changes. It usually falls to the woman's lot to create a stable happy home. If the man helps, she is lucky, very lucky. If not, people will merely rub their hands and say...it is her fate...