Que Sera Sera...

Every time I look at the little children, especially the tiny little girl, I get this lump in my throat and feel a tightness in my chest.

The tiny thing doesn't even know what is happening...the boy seems to be quite sweetly and gently feeding her...

Of course they must be too overwhelmed to even think about what is happening, the bonds that are being forged, the commitments they are getting into, and the end of their childhood even before it has begun...

And, what are the thoughts racing through the mother's mind? how is she feeling deep within her heart.

My heart is too full to write any more...there is just too much here.

As Indian women, we are masters at the art of swallowing our thoughts and burying our feelings...

Leadership, where? leader, who??

These Games have once again brought into focus the whole business of leadership.

Reams and reams of material is available on the net by eminent people who have studied this concept of leadership. There are people who teach leadership skills.

To my mind, it is absolutely non-leader-like to come up with statements like - I have been betrayed by those I trusted, or I depended on them to do this, or How can I do everything?, or How can I look into everything?, or You come with good references, so I entrusted you with this, and you have let me down, and numerous other statements.

But can these statements hold? A person is put in a post of leadership precisely because it is believed that he can deliver. The least is to keep in touch with what is happening, not merely through those in immediate charge, but also by your actual presence; ask for daily/weekly reports, and follow-up on them; see for yourself, once in a way, whether things are in reality what they are being portrayed to be; hold impromptu meetings and checks. There are so many ways. Of course there are huge responsibilities and 24 hours are not enough; Of course a leader makes mistakes. But then, a leader is also in a position to correct things, change course if need be, make the necessary adjustments.

I do believe, too, that it is a leader's job to know (among a host of other things):

• whether the references/credentials match up with the person in reality
•  the strengths and weaknesses of the teams he is leading - or the heads of the teams that he has made. That way, he can fill in the weak spots, and make better use of the strong ones. Instead of moaning about being betrayed, wouldn't it be better to have put in someone more suited to the job, or more apt for the job right in the beginning?
• how to insist on accountability 
• how to create a sense of urgency, so that all pull together and all pull hard

I may be wrong, but this I do believe, that only some become leaders, but those who do become leaders, have to ensure that those they are leading are following...

Randomly thinking about the CWG...

The media is full of the happenings - good, bad and ugly about what is happening in Delhi, specifically, the Games venues.

The thoughts I'm putting down are my own disturbed thoughts about these Games. They have been formed thanks to what I've seen and heard. What is troubling me the most are the expenses. Of course we cannot not let these Games happen, having come so far. Neither can we treat our guests badly. To this end we will and are putting in huge, huge effort. However, last minute effort does not come cheap; in fact it comes at great expense. My thoughts are on what is going to happen after this circus is over? How in the world are we ever going to make up this colossal amount of money that has been spent - most of it wasted, and wasted out of negligence, incompetency, indifference and without an ounce of urgency or pride.

Of course there were and are more pressing issues - many sane ministers have talked about the need for infrastructure, education, care of women and children, health care and the thousand other things that we really need. The people responsible for this fiasco are not going to make good this loss?  We, the middle classes from whom tax is already being squeezed out are going to have to pay. So what happens to things needed for daily living, that are already so unaffordable? What happens to the Senior citizens who get hardly any benefits in terms of health care or savings? What happens to badly-needed schools? We are not a society that has social or health security - we live on what we earn - we have commitments that have to be met with an increasingly stretched pay cheque. The waves of anguish are being felt by all those who will have to bear the brunt of this, and that too silently, and with their blood...What Karma are these people creating - all of us are going to be dragged in to pay for it.

Worse, we do not even have the grace to feel  shamed by this folly - a minister in Toronto actually had the gall and the arrogance to flex his muscles at those who are rightfully criticizing the Games - remember you have business relations with India, he says, you have business interests in our country.... Lord! does this not smack of goondagiri? we want our goodies, someone has to pay. If anyone says anything, watch out...we know what to do...

I just wish this nightmare would be over - wish it were just that - but the reality that is going to hit us when this is over is actually going to be the real nightmare...

Randomy thinking...

The 3 most powerful words that can help in any situation of life are:

                                                 It doesn't matter...


Variations of this would be:

Leave it be...
Let it go...
Such things happen...
Never mind then...

anything that instantly takes your mind away from whatever is creating the feeling of unquiet, or is disturbing you, or making you feel crucified, or ruffling your feathers. Nothing that causes any kind of change in the otherwise serene and tranquil landscape of mind is worth it. In speaking these 3 words, you may not get instant peace, but it does put you onto the path, and slowly but surely you find the wrinkles smoothing out, the cloudiness easing off, and the clearness coming back.

Randomly rambling...

After ages the rain...

          soothes the brow

                     clears the brain

                                  unclogs the mind

                                           cheers the spirit
                                                                                  
                                                         refreshes the heart

Mutton chops, fish fry, chaa and bishkoot...

No non-Bengali can ever even begin to understand the sacrosanct place that food occupies, unless he/she comes to Bengal. Food and eating are not daily, routine, unthinking activities. In Bengal, food and eating are taken very seriously, and reverentially. Therein lies its quirkiness and its fascination…

Whoever thought that the very humble arrow-root bishkoot occupied pride of place on the kitchen shelf? Well here in Bengal, which is now my home, it does. Tea is not something to be gulped down – it is meant to be relished with the bishkoot. When one has chaa one pushes aside one’s work, and concentrates on the experience of dunking the bishkoot in it and savoring it. Then, after the first sip, one launches out on an adda. What can be more important than the political climate of Bengal? After mind and body have been nourished, one gets back to the mundane-ness of work…

Think meals. No, and I mean no meal is just a haphazard combination of foods. A great deal of thought goes into what has to be eaten and how. One has certain foods with each other, and there are clearly defined courses. One does not ever, ever have a standing lunch. As a good Bengali bhadralok once said, ‘it is only horses that eat standing up’!!

Think restaurants. There are eating-houses and eating-houses and eating-houses. It is not so much of how much you have in your pocket, as what kind of experience you are looking for. So, you have your dhabas – even if you can’t travel, you can at least have the dhaba experience. You would have surely eaten at a roadside dhaba if you were travelling. 

If you are looking for fine dining in the old-fashioned way, think Mocambo, or Peter Cat, or any of the old Park Street restaurants. You are still treated with the same old-world grace and courtesy. There is no hurry here. You can take your time. If you are waiting outside for a table, no matter, you can always have a mini adda on the good fortune of having your regular eating place. You will not zoom off looking for an alternative. This is exactly where you want to be…Turbaned bearers attend on you so caringly that for that meal at least, you can fancy yourself a maharajah. From the aperitifs to the starters to the main meal, the whole experience is leisurely and complete. 

Closer home, if you have had the privilege of having food from Ayojan, you would know what a great service that organization is doing to all of us whose spirit is willing but flesh is too weak to dish out meals every day. Sweet, caring, never-failing Kaku can always be relied on to get you well-planned meals on time. 

Feeling prosperous and want the luxury treatment? The Oberoi Grand and the Taj are there just for this: to make you feel that that was your rightful place in the world; 5-star is where you absolutely belonged! And so from the bar to the restaurant of your choice, you feel, well, 5-star yourself…

What about the cave of Alibaba, better known as New Market? No visit can be complete without popping into Nizam’s or Badshah’s…

How can I leave out the pizzas, KFCs and McDs? Or for that matter, the new-age eating places that cater to the most exotic tastes on the planet? There are enough of those in all the malls…be it a strike or a bandh or a holiday, or a weekend, to get a table in a restaurant or the food court, is like getting to the top of K2. It starts with the excitement of eating out, then the anticipation, then the plunging disappointment, and the growling tummies, and finally, YAY!! There’s a place, and you grab it before someone else does!! Settle down, make yourself comfortable, and tuck in…aaahhhhh if there was heaven, it is here (to paraphrase Babur). And, you relish the whole experience – go through the menu, discus the food with the waiter, wait, eyes shining, and then really do justice to the food and the effort that has gone into making that food.

There is no cuisine in the world that can come anywhere near kosha mangsho, ilish maach (in all its culinary avatars), aloor dum, kabiraji cutlet, country captain, shukto, mochcha, or whathaveyou…each so different, and each so distinct and each so un-matchable…

A word about Bengali sweets without which no meal is ever complete. Taste mishit doi, shorbhaja, rajbhog, or kheerkadambo, and you taste divinity…

Breakfast on hing kachori and jalebi and your day was is as surely set as you would like it to be…

As for the eternal phuchkas, and jhaal muri? Or the unbeatable chaat? Why does one have to become a martyr to taste heaven. Just pop across to the maidan or wherever your fave phuchka wallah or chaat stall is and treat yourself to the works. There is always Aqua Ptychotis or pudinhara to fall back on. Ever wondered why such a magical potion like Aqua Ptychotis was created in Bengal? 

Nowhere, but nowhere do you find the experience of eating so enjoyable, or so charming. And remember, 

‘One never hurries a meal in Bengal’!

Randomly thinking...

Routine - a scary word, because it conjures an image of doing the same things every single day. Sameness is something that can sap every bit of enthusiasm and joyfulness.

I've always been someone who absolutely viscerally revolted against routine, and yet i grew up in the most rigid routine possible, and was till a few months back in a profession that can only run on routine.

Strangely, it struck me a few days back, that this routine that I so reacted to, but carefully followed and observed, was actually the thing that formed the backbone of my days, and gave me time to do all the things I enjoyed and liked to do...that routine created order, and from that order came peace, so necessary to the happiness of a home.

Even more strange is the way my feelings towards 'routine' have changed. Now it is neither daunting, nor frightening, nor strangling. Within its confining limits, there is much that I can do...in fact, it now seems like a safety net!!

Marriages are not made in heaven for the Indian girl....

I specifically mention 'girl' here because it is the girl/woman who gives the most and suffers the most in an Indian marriage.

Of course I am not talking about those who have had the guts and strength to opt for a marriage of choice. We also have to remember that our lives, though governed to a large extent by Bollywood, is not a Bollywood film. There are hard facts that have to be accepted and lived.

The Indian girl feels the unfair pressures all the more since it is she who is very hardworking and from a young age learns to combine the demands of home, society and her own education. Sadly, very often it is the last that she has to sacrifice for the other two. She learns bitterly that she has to sacrifice especially her own personality and individuality at every step. She also learns very early on in life that she, as a person, is not important,and has to step back and make innumerable sacrifices for her brothers, younger than her as well as for those older than her.

A very dear friend of mine is currently in the decision-making-before-a wedding time. The most awful time for an Indian girl.

It's worse if the girl has had a modern education, has sane, rational thoughts in her head, and is an independent working girl. It's alarming if she has met a guy with whom she wants to spend the rest of her life. And  positively criminal if he does not belong to the same creed, caste, and sub-caste as the girl.

We may be modern India - but that I think is just the superficial layer of the Indian life. The reality, is quite, quite different. And painful.

Even today, unbelievable as it may seem,  the fact is that if a girl does not marry a boy belonging to the same community, her life is not worth a sou...

I was talking about this with my husband (ours is a completely unconventional story, so we are well out of this arena), and he told me what he had heard at work. This is the story...

A girl belonging to a conventionally successful North Indian family had gone abroad to study.  She met someone there with whom  she wanted to get married. He was a conventionally successful lad, but very unfortunately did not belong to the same caste. Naturally the family was in a turmoil. However, so as not to disappoint their daughter, her father went to visit the boy's people. They were nice people, but......that all-important 'but'...

So, the parents appealed to the grandfather. The couple was adamant, but from the point of view of the girl's family, it was a disaster.

The girl came home for a holiday. No one said anything to her. A few days later, after his morning puja, the grandfather sent for the girl to the puja room. And this is what he told her: 'Here in this puja room, the names of all the ancestors of every member of the family (in-laws included) is written, going back 7 generations. And so, when you get married, yours and his ancestors' names, going back 7 generations, will be inscribed. While I may not have a problem with that, will some other member of the family feel bad that his/her ancestors names are in the same room as this boy's? ' Further, to her cry of 'But I love him', the grandfather replied,' What has loving to do with marriage? You can go on loving him. But a marriage is a joining of 2 families - immediate and extended. Every one is involved in every one's life. For all celebrations, functions, and rituals, the whole family gets together. So, will his family feel ostracized? Will he and by extension you be able to handle that? Marriage is a duty that you have to perform. It is a social responsibility. It has nothing to do with feelings, either yours or his.'

And everything changed. The girl wisely chose to go with her grandfather's reasoning...simply because that is actually the way it works here in India.

Marriage is a social duty and an obligation. It has nothing to do with feelings. The Indian girl who realizes this, and accepts this without acrimony or cynicism can still make a success out of her life. Yes, I mean life - because none of us wants to feel that our life has been for nothing...that we have done something good and useful with our lives. And so, within this framework, she can create your life, or get it destroyed...I am not talking about living vicariously through our children. That is a difficult burden for little shoulders to bear, and it is not fair on them or kind to them. I am talking about the Indian girl going deep into her own self and finding hidden there ideas, strengths and values that she can develop; which she MUST develop and so grow.

Of course, one can argue, in any case after marriage, the feelings change. In a love marriage, often couples wonder what happened to all the romanticism that was there before the wedding. After marriage, it is a whole new game - the man who brought champagne and roses, now yells for his breakfast, or his socks. And the woman wonders at what happened to her independence and life. Or, the man who till now lived alone, or with his family, now suddenly has a stranger sharing his home and hearth. And the woman wonders where she has landed. In both cases, the reality has to be contended with. The new reality has to be understood, and new feelings have to created.

A marriage is the birth time of completely new feelings.

Feelings of love and companionship have to be built up and nurtured.In a love marriage, the man and woman see other aspects of each other - the everyday-unromantic-other side. In an arranged marriage, the man and woman see each other for the first time. In both cases, a new life has to be built. If the man and woman in a love marriage are mature enough to accept the complete change, the marriage works. Likewise, in an arranged marriage, if the man and woman are mature enough to handle the new situation at least as friends, the marriage has a chance of succeeding.

In an Indian set-up, it is more often than not the girl who has to make all the adaptions, compromises and changes.  It usually falls to the woman's lot to create a stable happy home. If the man helps, she is lucky, very lucky. If not, people will merely rub their hands and say...it is her fate...