Bothering me...

is this issue of which side to see hate crimes from.

On one side are the perpetrators of these crimes. I've heard people saying that maybe we need to find out why they committed the crimes they did. Is it a question of the have-nots against the haves? Is it a case of not being able to discriminate good from evil? Is it because of ignorance of the different kinds of people in the world? Is it because of psychological disorders?

On the other side are those who have lost loved ones in these hate crimes. For them there are no answers. There are no earthly reasons for why their loved ones became victims of someone's hatred. They cannot find any justice in these acts of violence. They cannot understand what is being proved here.

The loss of a loved one is an irreparable loss. Nothing can justify that. I'm talking about the victims of hate crimes. Their families lose their sense of direction. There does not seem to be any reason for why their loved ones became someone's victim. They cast about in their minds for something to hold on to. And no one has any answers for them. It's just something that happened. A loved one came in the way....a loved one was mistaken for someone else and took the bullet.

There is really no justification for any kind of crime. We battle this in so many ways, every day - small crimes, big crimes....crimes of all shapes, sizes and colors....but a crime is a crime. What we need to learn is how to deal with these.....

What about the perpetrators? Increasingly I'm coming to see that they are really not my concern - the State will need to take care of them - do whatever it is the judge hands down in a court of law.

We help the living to cope with their pain and loss...we stand up for them and with them...

Hygge...

pronounced hoo-guh is a Danish word and it refers to a feeling or mood that happens when we take pleasure in making the ordinary, everyday moments more meaningful, beautiful or special, according to Alex Beauchamp of Hygge House. She goes on to say that it is not some kind of a lifestyle that has to adopted...it just requires us to be present and recognize the moment we are in as being sweet, or charming, or special, or nice, or reassuring, or happy, or contented, or secure....or..... 'So whether it’s making coffee by creating a ritual of making it every morning, to a cosy evening in with friends where you’re just enjoying each others company, to the simple act of lighting a candle with every meal, Hygge is being aware of a good moment whether it’s simple or special.'

By making every action a simple hygge moment, each moment stops feeling like a drudge moment. Instead it becomes a happy, cosy moment.

6 essentials for hygge:

1. Living Lights. Light candles. This is the fastest way to get hygge.

2. Something Sinful. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a treat now and again. Caution: It should not be anything fancy or extravagant. That is not hygge. Hygge is making everyday things special - so popcorn, or a bowl of stew, or coffee and cake would be hygge. In other words, something sinful is is an integral part of the hygge ritual.

3. Chore-sharing. Everyone takes part in the chores of a hyggelig evening. For example, everyone helps in getting the food ready. Everyone shares in the conversation. Everyone is equal. Everyone is relaxed.

4. Planned Reminiscence. Hygge helps us to be grateful for everyday things that happen every day. We learn to savor simple pleasures. Every moment is important. Remembering these moments that we made special for ourselves and for our friends and family is also important.

5. A Special Nook. This is an absolute. This nook is YOUR PERSONAL SPACE where you can snuggle up with a blanket, a book and a cup of hot chocolate. It's a very comfortable place and just entering this space gives a feeling of well-being. This is the place to head to - for homemakers or officegoers - at the end of a long day.

6. Together Time. While you need your own solitude time, it is also fun when you can be with like-minded people. Time with good friends creates a warm, comfy, relaxed atmosphere. A place of sharing happiness.


We don't have to be Danish to have hygge. When we believe that we are not just bits of drudge doing drudge work every drudge day, then we can add hygge to our Zen and Tao practices to create a beautiful, simple, uncomplicated life...

Life Lessons from an 80-year-old man

You may know some of these...

You may not agree with some of these...

You may want to reinforce some of these...

Whatever your reason, it's good to have a check list handy...

1. Have a firm handshake.

2. Look people in the eye.

3. Sing in the shower

4. Own a great stereo system.

5. In a fight, hit first and hit hard.

6. Keep secrets.

7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

8. Always accept an outstretched hand.

9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

10. Whistle.

11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.

12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.

13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.

15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

16. When playing games with children, let them win.

17. Give people a second chanve, but not a third.

18. Be romantic.

19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.

22. Be a good loser.

23. Be a good winner.

24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

27. Keep it simple.

28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read: No Regrets.

31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.

32. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

33. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

34. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

35. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

36. Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

37. Once in a while, take the scenic route.

38. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

39. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.

40. Keep a node pad and pencil on your bedside table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m. 

41. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

42. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

43. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

44. Become someone's hero.

45. Marry only for love.

46. Count your blessings.

47. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

48. Wave at the children in a school bus.

49. Remember that 80 percent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.

50. Don't expect life to be fair.

Beware...

of those who, without your realizing it, nibble at your sense of self-worth till one fine day you realize that you no longer have an ounce of self-confidence left.

Speaking purely from experience......and it's taken me 30 years to realize this.

There are those who outright say and do things to make you question your self-worth. These you can deal with. Just tell them to get lost....or if you feel there is something in what they are saying, you can work on it and work it out.....

But...

There are those who through indirect ways - ways that you cannot recognize because you get blindsided by the pain they cause - make you feel as if you are less than nothing. There are those who through their 'soft' words and actions, even through what they don't say out loud, make you feel as if everything you do is lacking in something or the other, as if you could have done more; who make you believe - gradually but surely - that you are just a waste of space; who seep into your consciousness with saccharine-sweet words that hide a dagger with which they demolish what you think about your work, what you do, what you think, what you say, how you live...everything about you gradually, without your even being aware of it, comes under this dagger; who, sometimes without words, but just a lifting of their eyebrows, or some other gesture show you that you are less than them or less than less. These are the people to be aware of. The realization that your heart and soul are being eroded may come in a short time, or may take a longer time....but when it does come through, then that is the time to act. This is the time to step back, take a good long look at what you have become, and say enough. You may not want to rock the boat or disturb the circumstances of your life....but if you want to live with dignity and if you want to live in peace with yourself then you have to fight to get your sense of self-worth back. It's no use saying it's okay if you feel hurt or someone has deliberately put you down. What you have to say is, it's okay that this has been said or done - that is not in my hands - but what I do with it is in my hands and I choose to chuck them out as being less that worthless. I know I am not ____, ____, or the other. I am talented, I am strong, I am kind, and if I have made a mistake or slipped up, it is not the end of the world......I can fix it or if I can't, then I have the strength to take the consequences. You will always find something in yourself to commend and praise....just for yourself. 

A technique I'm using and learning that this really helps me - refer to my blog on Tao - is to smile and breathe. When I know that someone - especially someone close - is saying something which doesn't sound hurtful, but I know is definitely a put down to make me feel small and incompetent and useless, I smile to myself and force myself to take a deep breath - and when I breathe out, I send out the poison before it has time to poison my system. I'm a long, long way from healing, but I've started. The most difficult thing was to face the fact that my self-confidence was gone....eroded silently and without my knowing it. I was reacting and jumping to every word that was said to hurt, by going overboard trying to fix whatever it was... I was taking on myself every criticism being thrown out in a general way... I was bending over backward trying to set things,that I hadn't even done, right....

Once your sense of self-worth is gone, believe me, nothing will seem right...nothing will seem to work...So if you are feeling small, or down, or like a fool, just because you have not 'come up to someone's standards' chuck it. You don't have to come up to anyone's standards but your own. And believe me, someone who puts up 'standards' to put you down, isn't worth standing on your head for. Just stand on your head for your own self...

We are not...

obligated to change the world, but we are definitely obligated to change ourselves and the tiny area in which we live and move around.

We are obligated to be just (fair and impartial) - just with ourselves, just with those we come into contact with, just in all our dealings.

We are obligated not to be proud - proud as in vain, arrogant, full of only ourselves, self-opinionated, high-handed.

We are obligated to fulfil our lives here on earth - whatever that life may entail. We may have had our dreams, but if those dreams don't match with the reality in which we find ourselves....we still have to live in a way that we are true to the reality we are in now, at this point in time (instead of pining for lost dreams and visions). We cannot abandon ourselves and our life.

We are obligated to be tolerant, kind, forgiving and compassionate with all beings - and if we cannot be so, then we have to walk away and cause as little damage as possible to the person or situation.

We are obligated to treat all beings with respect - for in every being there is the reflection of God.

Naturally there is bound to be a great deal of inner hurt and pain. But we cannot allow ourselves to deviate from the path of our obligations.

Some days...

my meditation takes a surprising turn...

Today, these are what my meditation time threw up:

1. Be kind and respectful to each other and respect each other's differences. (From Advanced Style)


2. The Elders say: Lead a simple life. This doesn't necessarily mean poor, it means simple. There are some things that make life complicated such as needing control, needing power or being resentful or angry. These things make complications happen. (Native American Wisdom)


3. If you really want a quiet mind, start making everything in your life a practice.

• Practice not judging yourself.
• Practice being okay with whatever happens - with negative thoughts and bad things that happen, with a noisy mind, with interruptions and distractions....with whatever happens - bad/sad/ugly/good/brilliant/happy.... 
• Practice relaxing.

You may not be able to do this at first, but it will happen. And when it happens, you will feel a click in your brain. On the outside, you will still be you. But on the inside, you will be overflowing with tranquility. Because, when you are okay with whatever happens, you don’t hang on to them. In other words, you have learned the most important lesson of all - to let things go. (From The Tiny Buddha)


4. And.....this poem.

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone.

The love of the chestnut,
the jazz cap and one hand on the wheel.

No lust, no slam of the door –
the love of the miniature orange tree,
the clean white shirt, the hot evening shower,
the highway that cuts across Florida.

No waiting, no huffiness, or rancor –
just a twinge every now and then..........(From Aimless Love by Billy Collins, NINE HORSES)

Are you...

like me, finding yourself in an impossible position you have created yourself? Because this is where I am at today.

Having imposed on myself all kinds of tasks and things that 'have' to be done, I find myself today at a crossroads. Without thinking, I'd allowed this huge jam to happen in every area of my life so much so that I was feeling totally trapped. This morning, when I was at my morning walk, I felt I was at a very low point....Back home, over coffee, I realized I was going nowhere but downwards. So am now about to sit and cut back and cut back and change and redo and renew and importantly junk a whole lot of activities that went into my day.

I need peace and stillness without a voice from somewhere telling me I should be at this or that...making me feel guilty and bad about myself... Instead of living for myself and doing the things that would really make me feel good, I've been dissipating myself all over the place and feeling totally washed out and dreadful....most of all about myself... Not any more....

Have to do a combination of wearing lipstick, and doing everything slowly. Have to spend more time with my plants. Have to remember that at the stage of life I'm at, it's cocktail time! I've got so jammed that the Light is just not getting a chance to come through...