that makes us behave quite differently from how we know we should...
Sometimes, we find ourselves reacting to something in a manner we cannot imagine we just did...
We may also find ourselves, at times, responding with words that we can see are reducing the other person, taking away his/her dignity and self-worth...
We may stop right here, and try to salvage the situation. It is not good either to hurt someone, no matter how the other person has behaved towards us, or, indeed, hurt ourselves by our bad behaviour. Sometimes this reaching out works, sometimes it doesn't....and we hope we have not lost a friend.
However, there are times when we find we cannot stop and something just drives us on. This is terribly destructive for everybody involved.
The thing is, we cannot change anyone. People behave in the manner they are programmed to behave in. But, we can improve on our hurtful responses and bad behaviour with awareness and training. We have to learn - force ourselves, actually - not to respond in any way. There is really no need to respond to everything that is done or said. Some things we can let go. Some incidents we can file away, to respond to when we are in a calmer frame of mind. Some words or actions we can ignore. The demand on us is to be understanding of why the other person behaved in the way he/she did. This is not rationalising....it is just an understanding, or making a note of the bad behaviour, and leaving it be. However, this is also a time for us to examine ourselves - our words, our behaviour - and make the necessary corrections. We cannot always be right, and we may not want to admit that we are capable of bad behaviour, but the fact is that we are just as human as the next person.....
So,
First, stop any words or actions that may arise spontaneously to someone's bad behaviour. Just be quiet. You may have to exert all your will power to force yourself to keep quiet or walk away. Believe me when I say that there is a great deal of will power inside us - just that we seldom summon it.
Second, make a note. If you can find it in your heart to be so, then be understanding of the other person.
Third, see if maybe there is something in us that needs fine tuning.....kind of do a reality check on ourselves....and instead of going into denial mode, or pushing away the truth about ourselves, or blaming circumstances beyond our control, we can work on doing something about it. This is not easy, for we all have a tendency to think we couldn't behave badly. Fact is, we can, and we do behave badly/foolishly/unwisely and instead of not facing this fact, it would be better to take it out and look at it, no matter how painful, tell ourselves that well, it happened, but it is not the end, and then work on it.......transform ourselves....we'll be more at peace with ourselves and the world around us.