Back from my stay with my daughter.
So much has happened in the days I’ve been off the computer - some painful, some happy, some fun, some sad. Learnt a lot too. And one big lesson I’ve learnt is about the change that happens when we grow older. Often our grown children, with children of their own, get impatient with us, leaving us with a helpless, confused feeling. We feel inadequate and realize that somewhere, somehow, we are falling terribly short of what our children want of us, causing painful misunderstandings, and sometimes breakdowns in communication. Some of us oldies curl up inside of ourselves, feeling the pain of aging, and the various traumas this brings along with it, while the younger ones feel an equal pain of not understanding and expectations going awry.
Talking with a friend of mine (my daughter’s generation), who was telling me about how she frequently gets upset with her mother…She said her mother, a doctor, (my generation) was very active, managing her home and bringing up 3 children, fulfilling the myriad duties required of her. She was always in charge, always on top of things. But now, it is sometimes difficult even to get her to understand things - especially changes that are happening all around. She, whose responses were lightning fast, now takes a long time to get a grasp of the matter in hand, and a longer time ro respond, often resulting in unhappy silences, confusion in understanding, and deep distress all around. She was forgetful, and mixed time zones and memories. As we talked, things became clear to both of us…..to her, that this is normal, that this is all part of the aging process, and that her irritation, impatience, and upset was because she was not used to this from her mother…. It was difficult to see her mother like this. And what became clear to me was that my daughter’s not understanding or impatience was also precisely this - I am not the person I used to be…not because of anything ‘wrong’ that I had done, or callousness of feeling, or indifference…it is because she cannot, is not able to get or accept that I am the same Mum but with worn-out edges…