How difficult it is...

to come to terms with the death of loved friends. I lost two of them in quick succession....before I could come to terms with Madhu's passing, Thomachen went away... Two quirky, brutally honest, totally no-nonsense people - temperament-wise, they were my complete opposite. And yet the love was so strong. They saw me through some of my darkest days and brooked no excuse in my getting back to myself - I had to get back myself totally and completely. No compromises. They believed in me and believed that I could be the best version of myself. There were times when I would break down...from these two there would be a bit of 'Okay cry' but in a short while it would be  - enough, get up and fight back....get yourself back.....They held up mirrors of how I was in my childhood and in College..... and insisted I get back some semblance of that person. Involuntarily I check my mail for one of those long, rambling letters from Thomachen, or my What'sapp msgs for a short, scratchy msg from Madhu.....  I knew and always felt their caring.... The pain is sometimes unbearable....as if someone is trying to cut off all the threads that bind me to this earth. But I have my beloved daughter and granddaughter - they told me more than once and in just so many ways that instead of being strong for these two beloved beings, I was becoming a liability to them and to myself..... Brutal. Honest. and totally loving.....